I’m afraid of being in a relationship


Good day sir,

I appreciate all you do to help people. Most importantly you do this only to please God and not man.

I am in my 30s and I know I should be married by now. A major factor for being unmarried yet is nuclear family financial responsibilities. The more I try to save, the more issues come up. I have made up my mind to start saving up for myself but it will still take some time because of my current salary and cost of living.

I talked to this lady so that I can begin a relationship, but she was not interested in a relationship then, and she was actually surprised I brought it up. We promised each other to move past it. It took a lot of courage for me to do that because I don't ask ladies out. My only previous relationship was through being casual friends and a relationship was not on the table from the beginning.

I knew her while in school and talked from time to time even after graduation. I kept a normal conversation with her after that, even though it was hard initially, and we started talking every day. Now she's interested but I don't feel excited about the relationship as I expected. She is trying now to get close, but I think I am not reciprocating the feeling as she mentioned it casually yesterday

I don't know how to put it clearly here, I just feel this fear and anxiety of getting close to people, and worse it's a female and involves getting into a relationship. This prevents me from developing feelings for her. She is responsible, steadfast in the activities of the church, hardworking, and beautiful.

I think my fear is making me amplify some things I observed about her and trying to use them to avoid the relationship. I feel guilty now because she may think I led her on all along even though I was not ready to go ahead with a relationship. I just wanted to have a great conversation. I don't talk much or have many friends but people close to me usually enjoy my conversation a lot.

My biggest worry is that this fear is in the most part of my life. I am successful academically and blessed to get a job in a tough job market. But I've always been afraid of so many things in my life. I've made an effort to overcome some of them but it seems that fear is about to ruin this for me now. I believe I will make a good boyfriend and husband, but I need to get past this. There is no reason I shouldn't be with this sister, and I just wish I could change the way I feel like flipping a  switch.

I don't know if I'm able to make sense here but please advise in any way you can. Thanks for all your do.


Fear is an emotion and one that is not always accurate. See Fear.

You have a goal of having a family; yet, at the same time, I get the impression that you are wanting to do this because it is expected and not because you have a personal desire to be married. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that is the impression I'm getting.

Your fears center around being responsible. The financial fear is actually a distraction. People learn to live within their means. If you want to be married, you will find a way, even though it means you might do without some things in order to afford the life you've chosen. The relationship fear is more puzzling because you mention that you enjoy the companionship and that is really what dating and eventual marriage are about. "Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Malachi 2:14). But at the same time, you seem to want to avoid it.

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