I wouldn’t mind being married, but I’m not sexually attracted to women
Question:
I am a man in his thirties who is gay. I thought I was gay since I was 11 or 12. It started out as not being a "typical" boy. My interests were much more "girly things" from Barbies to the arts. In seventh grade, I remember conversations in Sunday school (were divided into boys and girls) and there were conversations about our interests, one in imparticular was if we thought about marriage. Well, at that age I did, but the other boys didn't and before I got to answer my Sunday school teacher say "Good because you aren't supposed to, you are boys." Now I know this and other situations play into the "nurture" fact of sexuality as opposed to "nature." Also, I did have a sexual encounter with a boy who forced me to do things, but not until after I had homosexual feelings. I had crushes on T.V. stars in elementary school and thought I was supposed to be a girl, after all, I have always fit the characteristics and stereotypes of girls.
Fast forward to my college years. I never felt attracted sexually to girls and still don't to this day, in fact when I have talked to "girlfriends" who have told me about their sexual experiences it actually grosses me out. The thought of a vagina is not appealing to me at all. During my college years and early twenties, I sought Christian help and counseling for my sexuality for eight years. During this time my family could tell something was wrong. They could see I was very unhappy and struggling with something. My mom, in particular, was very concerned.
In my late twenties, I fully accepted my feeling toward men and although I lost a lot of "friends" coming out, I have been much happier. Several times shortly after my mom even stated that she had been seeing a huge difference in my attitude. I still remember her saying, "you're so happy all the time." She said this without knowing what I had been struggling with since I was 18.
Lately, I keep finding myself struggling again. I find women pretty, men as well, but I have no sexual desire for women. Overall I am not a sexual person, even though I have had sex with men. I enjoy holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and having an emotional connection with someone over sex. I am in a spot in my life where I want to start the process of meeting my soulmate, man or woman, but I know everything would be easier if I were attracted to women.
I fear meeting a woman and eventually getting married and not being able to enjoy sex with her (besides kissing, I have never done anything with a woman). Once, around the age of 23, during those years of trying to "fix" myself, I did grow very close to a friend and honestly thought I would marry her. The attraction I had to her was emotional and mental. I even found her faith attractive, but I was never sexually attracted to her; in fact, I was sexually attracted to her brother. I don't think of women sexually, not just because I am not attracted to their anatomy, but because I think it is disrespectful to think of them in that way. I can meet a guy and have no trouble fantasizing about him or, at times, having some sort of sexual activity with him.
I am confused, some days more so than others. I fit the gay stereotype when it comes to my interests, not that my interests make me gay, and I live in an area where I don't fit into the typical male stereotypes. Sometimes I think it would be easier to live someplace like New York City where men can be more "feminine" and not be labeled as gay. I wonder if it would be easier to meet a woman who is fine with my gay stereotype interests, i.e. Judy Garland, musicals, wedding planning, women's clothing, etc. Still, there is the huge fear of not enjoying sex with a wife and finding her sexually attractive.
Answer:
I don't know that there is much I can do to help you. You believe that homosexuality is acceptable. Unless you are committed to living your life God's way so that you can reach heaven, anything I might point out would be automatically rejected.
Question:
Wow, that's a disappointment. You do realize that I came to you because I have a conflict with my sexuality. Also, I am a born-again Christian. Sin is what keeps us all from entering Heaven but inviting Christ into our hearts and accepting him as our savior is how we get in. We all sin after we are born again so to tell me I am going to he'll because of homosexuality instead of sin, in general, is wrong. Also, to totally dismiss me because you think I would reject what you have to say is incredibly ignorant of you, especially since I am the one who reached out to you. As a "minister" you are to reach out to those who seek guidance. Yes, I may find things that you would have said hard to swallow or even agree with, however you are not the only person I have reached out to in trying to deal with this. You are however the first person to cast me aside as if I were not worth your time.
Answer:
I don't go by what people claim about themselves. I go by what God said, "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You told me that you are a practicing homosexual with plans to continue this. What God said about the matter is clear. Now you tell me that you've talked to other preachers, but you are still "happier" sinning. It seems clear to me that your mind is made up and anything I say, including the fact that I can't help someone who is committed to sinning, is automatically rejected. Read your notes again. You have said nothing about wanting to change. You only hint that you want approval for what you have chosen to do.
Question:
There seem to be some misunderstandings. If an alcoholic came to you saying they wanted to quit drinking but still admit that they do think about drinking and have tried stopping but still have a drink for whatever reason but still want to figure out a way to stop completely, would you give them the same message you have given me? I mentioned being married to a man or woman because it is the companionship that I long for, not the sex.
As far as the Bible goes, the Bible was written by man and so is not perfect. The Bible contains the word of God, but it also contains man's desire for the way he wants the world to be. The fact that the Bible has different versions, some of which have different books than others. The King James Bible was changed greatly from its predecessor because King James wanted it to reflect his views on Christianity. Man has used the Bible to approve slavery and to keep different races from marrying each other. The New Testament also speaks about it being wrong for women to paint their faces, braid their hair, and adorn gold yet it is not viewed as a sin among Christians as a whole.
Again, I wrote to you because I want to marry a woman someday, but I am not physically attracted to them.
As far as the statement I made about being happier that statement is true but not because I have had homosexual activity but because I wasn't constantly hiding my secret of being attracted to men. I stopped concentrating so hard on "not being gay" and started focusing on the good parts of my life i.e. my family, friends, job, etc. I stopped focusing on sex, finding a soul mate, and whatnot. More recently my friends and family have started getting married and having families of their own and it makes me want that too.
I know what the Bible says about homosexuality but that doesn't mean my attraction to men will just disappear, otherwise, it would have when I was a preteen. I am trying to figure out how to move away from it and, maybe even more so, how to become attracted to the female anatomy.
Answer:
I agree that bad habits don't just disappear. That is why there has to be a conviction that the old habit is harmful and a strong desire to replace it with a good habit. But everything you have said is that you don't have that desire and I'm limited because you don't believe the Bible except in a casual way.
You cite the common stance among homosexuals for dismissing the Scriptures. By claiming that the Bible contains the word of God, but also contains the opinions of men, you place yourself in authority over the Scriptures. Anything you dislike will quickly be consigned to an opinion of man. By the way, misuse of the Bible is not proof that the Bible is not fully God's Word.
I don't share the same view. "And so we have the prophetic word confirmed, which you do well to heed as a light that shines in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts; knowing this first, that no prophecy of Scripture is of any private interpretation, for prophecy never came by the will of man, but holy men of God spoke as they were moved by the Holy Spirit" (II Peter 1:19-21). Since there is no common belief about what is authoritative, it makes it impossible to persuade you of the truth.
It is the half-hearted nature of your beliefs that makes it difficult. As Jesus told the Laodiceans, "I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot" (Revelations 3:15). Semi-belief gives no solid ground from which to launch a discussion.
