I was sexually abused as a child and now the idea of sex with a man scares me. What do I do?
Question:
Hi,
I first want to say that I think it is awesome that you guys are answering questions like this. Anyway, I kind of have two questions and they require a little bit of back story. When I was about 8, I was involved in this group that we called truth or dare. In this group with me were a 7-year-old girl, a 7-year-old boy, and a 13-year-old boy. And we would do sexual things to each other.
So the first question is, would that be considered sexual abuse?
Now as a 17-year-old, I am questioning my sexuality. I am a member of a church of Christ, and so I know full well what God’s stance on homosexuality is, but I have honestly found myself attracted to other girls. At the same time, I am attracted to guys but when I think of having sex with a guy, I freak out. I don’t think I even want to get married because that would mean that I would have to have sex. So my second question is, what should I do about that? I don’t want to go against God. I just don’t know what to do.
Please help me.
Answer:
What happened with your group was sexual abuse. The seven and eight-year-olds were too young to realize the ramifications of what was going on. The thirteen-year-old, however, was probably the source of "the game" and from experience, I would guess that he was sexually abused when he was younger. Typically a person abused when young acts out what happened to them when they start to mature sexually. Sadly, I've had to deal with situations like this several times. This doesn't excuse what the thirteen-year-old did, but it does give a clue as to what was happening.
One of the reasons we protect children is that habits are easily ingrained when you are young. Those habitual responses can be broken and replaced, but it takes effort. Your first exposure to sexual feelings was through perverted forms of sex where love was not present, so having confusing thoughts about sex is to be expected.
What I suggest is not getting the cart before the horse. You are concerned about the physical expression of love without consideration of love itself. See Love Is ... and notice that nowhere do you find in this description of love any physical activity or emotional feelings. Love generates feelings and actions, but love is neither the feelings nor the actions. A frequent recommendation in the Song of Solomon is to let love develop at its own pace. "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:7). Trying to make love happen typically causes a person to lose love. Just as if you wanted to pet a deer, rushing up to the deer will guarantee that it will run off. Instead, to pet a deer, you have to wait for the deer to approach and move gently, slowly toward it. Love is the same way.
Quit trying to label yourself. You are a female, so naturally, you are attracted to men. That you had exposure to homosexual sex in the past doesn't define who you are. Right now, there isn't a guy in your life whom you want to marry. Fine. It may change one day. When that time comes to marry and you are motivated to express your love to him through sex after you are married, then you can sit down with someone to discuss how to best enjoy that aspect of married life. Meanwhile, there is no rush.
