Question:

I emailed a few years back regarding my husband's while in another country in which an outside kid was born from the short fling. I didn't find out about it until after he returned and the kid was born. At the time he attended services as we're both members.

I decided to forgive him even though the first few months were horrible. I really didn't allow myself to grasp it all. It was very, very hard. We ended up having another child and midway through the pregnancy things were very rough. He stopped attending services and was eventually disfellowshipped.

I had the baby and a year later he moved out to see if this marriage is what he wanted. We stayed intimate because I was hopeful of a good outcome. Another year later, he filed for divorce and a few months later he was stationed elsewhere. The kids and I didn't go. Even then I was still hopeful and was intimate with him when he visited.

Recently I stopped being intimate with him. The last time he visited, we had mediation to avoid going to court. We had an agreement, but he backed out and said no to everything. It has been a few weeks, and I received an offer from his lawyer, so I know we'll be divorced soon. It really hurts, but I'm so tired. I feel he was willing to get all the sex he could get up until the divorce was final these last few years. His reasons continue to change as to why he wanted a divorce from me, such as getting half his military retirement at the 10-year mark, he just didn't want to be married,  or we'll never get along.

Now he claims he doesn't agree with certain things taught by the church. He even stated that after we divorce we could date again and that's not biblical because he's putting me away for non-biblical reasons. When he first confessed and repented for his adultery, he stopped attending church and was disfellowshipped. Now I'm wondering: Did he really repent with godly sorrow? Is he still viewed as an adulterer in God eyes? I mean, he did a complete 180. Where does this leave me?

Answer:

I don't know the situation and have no way of finding out. However, people who act as your husband is acting almost always have someone else whom they are seeing. That is why they move out. Regardless of his "reasons" for divorcing you, and especially because they are constantly changing, my guess is that they are all lies to cover up the fact that he is seeing someone else. Likely he kept it hidden because he could have sex with both you and her.

I have no idea if he honestly repented in the past. It doesn't matter. What matters is what he is doing now. If you want to know so your mind is clear whether you can marry again after the divorce goes through, hire a private investigator.

Question:

Hi,

I wrote a few years ago. Today I’m realizing you were absolutely correct. The divorce finally finalized last year. Several months prior to that, I had finally stopped having sex with him. I just learned from him that he had a child he had with another woman whom he had been sleeping with for about four years. This was during the time we were living apart bit still being intimate while we were trying to figure out how to make our marriage work. Now I see why it didn't. This hurt me even though we are now divorced.

What’s worst is that our kids are with him for spring break in another state. I learned from my son a few days ago that the other woman and child are loving to him. So he has our kids around this foolishness. I talked to the other woman and she told me about stuff and I told her some things. She knew he was separated and had kids when they first met, but of course, he had her to believe that we were done with each other. We basically were sleeping with this man at the same time. Even after the divorce, he has been trying to still kiss and have sex with me when he comes to see our kids, but of course, I declined. My son knew before me, but he made my son keep it a secret from me. The other woman asked for proof, so I sent her tons of text messages from him expressing his feelings to me. Now he’s mad that I found out and I’m hurt that he would have my kids around a stranger whom I never knew existed.

Regardless, I was doubtful about my getting remarried because I tried to forgive him for the first adultery and he filed for the divorce first. But in this case, he committed it a second time while still married. Does it matter if he filed first, even when he didn’t have the right to divorce, or does it depend on the sin that caused the breakdown of the marriage? I was faithful to our vows during the entire time.

Answer:

Because our current system of law removed the need to prove a justification for a divorce, we end up with a mess where the adulterer is motivated to divorce his spouse in order to marry another person. See: Does it matter who files for the divorce? Your former husband was committing adultery and filed for divorce to marry the woman with whom he was committing adultery. In this case, you are an innocent party and would have a right to marry someone else.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email