I thought lust would go away once I was married
Question:
Hello,
I’ve been married for about a year now. I have a wonderful husband, and everything else is great. The issue I have is that I have struggled with lust, masturbation, and pornography for many years. I have been masturbating since I was really young, because I remember a family member touching me inappropriately, and that’s the only thing I remember about how I learned to do so. After accepting Christ in my early teens, I’ve repented and gone back to the vomit many times. It’s been an ongoing cycle.
I had to learn the hard, hard truth that marriage and its pure sex don’t kill lust. Having sex in marriage will not kill that burning desire. You have to deal with it and run from it. I’m struggling with sexual fantasies of made-up people in my mind, and it always ends up leading to sexual thoughts. I’ve been doing that as well for as long as I can remember. I, too, was groomed at a young age and gave in to sex many times because I wanted to feel loved. Now I’m grown and know that was wrong and sinful.
I did have sex with my now husband before marriage, and we had repented from it. When we were dating, I had struggled with watching pornography a few times, and I told my fiancé because I felt wrong for doing so. He was understanding but also firm in saying not to do it again.
We’re now married, and I feel those fantasy thoughts stronger than ever. Instead of looking at what I used to look at, I look at drawings or anything animated that isn’t real people, but it’s sexual to fill my lust. Even though it’s not the same videos I used to look at, they’re just drawings of sexual poses that feed my mind things. I keep struggling to break this sinful habit, but it’s just a continuous cycle.
I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I can’t open up to anyone else about these things. I’m ashamed and afraid of opening up to my husband. Not because he isn’t compassionate, but because I’m ashamed and embarrassed about my situation. I don’t want to disappoint him.
I don’t know how else to go and restore my relationship with God either.
Thanks.
Answer:
Marriage gives an outlet for the physical desire for sex, but that isn't why you have been looking at pornography. You hinted at the core problem: you have convinced yourself that you are desired and loved if someone has sex with you. It is a common motivation for pornography. Humans often tend to substitute the physical for the spiritual. You looked for security and love, but you thought these were demonstrated in the physical act of sex. Thus, you daydreamed of having sex, but those were just dreams and were unsatisfactory. You had sex with guys, but they didn't stay around. Instead of realizing that lust, pornography, and fornication aren't the answers to what you are looking for, you keep trying them again to see if this time they will resolve the itch for what you are looking for.
Marriage provides a stable relationship and a man who loves you, but by this point, you are no longer content. I don't know if it is because you fear that he may leave you, or if you just don't know what you want. What I can state is that you are looking for something that lust and pornography cannot provide; that is why you keep going back to them. They distract you for a little while, but since they are not real relationships, you are left unsatisfied.
The key to happiness in life is learning to be content with what you have and not dream of needing more before you are satisfied. "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:11-13). Lust and pornography are never going to give you contentment.
No one can make you quit pornography. The drive to view it is from within yourself, so you have to choose to give it up despite your desire to view it.
