I only suspect that my ex-husband committed adultery

Question:

Hi,

I married this guy 5 years ago. We both came from Christian homes, but neither of us had a real relationship with God. At first, I didn't want to marry him. We just started dating, and we already had intimacy, but he told me that it was illegal in this country and asked me to help him lie to the Home Office that we were getting married. I didn't like what he said, and a month later, immigration caught him, and he was going to be deported. His mother got very involved, and I don't know why they both assumed I would marry him to get him out of immigration, but he never officially proposed to me or gave me a ring. I was a very malleable girl because I was living in depression and I was going through a very vulnerable stage. They knew how to look for opportunities with me, and that's what I think. I don't know if I'm making bad judgments.

When we were dating, he cheated on me with another girl. We finally got married, and then I started receiving a lot of emotional and psychological abuse. It seemed he wanted to punish me for no reason. We lived together for a year, then he left me on the street, moved back in with his mother, and never helped me financially.

He lived as a single guy for the rest of our four years of marriage. I never knew what he did all those four years.

He only used to see me once a week. He went to parties and got drunk all that time with a new friend he met. I never knew if he was unfaithful, but I strongly suspected it. I found dating apps where he invited other women to go out with him, and he sent pictures of him to them.

He made fun of me with his friend, telling me I was ugly and fat, and if I felt so bad because of the way he treated me, why didn't I leave him?

My heart filled with hate and pain, and I decided to try to go out with a friend. I committed adultery, but I did it to make him feel a little of all the pain he had been causing me. He found out about my adultery, and we divorced. He had a friend who lived in the same place as his mother where he lived, and they had fallen in love. For about two years, I did not know about her, so he took advantage of my adultery to get a divorce and introduced this other woman to his church. They married civilly and in the church, since he and I were only married civilly.

My question is, I suspect that he was unfaithful to me, especially in the first years since he told me that he would forgive me for infidelity. I suspected he had already been unfaithful to me, but he never confessed it to me; he said, "You are free to go to any church and tell the priest I was unfaithful, and that's it."

Now I see that with my adultery, I destroyed my life, and I blame myself for having destroyed my marriage. He will have a family, and I condemned myself to be alone since I had no children.