I don’t know if I should wait for my wife to come back or move on

Question:

Hello,

I came across your web site while searching for answers on adultery.

To try to make it short my wife and got married at a very young age. We felt that it was the correct thing to do because we had moved in with each other. A few months after getting married she felt she had made a mistake and started acting out in a way that left me spending many nights alone. She later told me she has then with another person but when I pressed for details she said she only made it up to make me upset, although she was leaving and never really gave me a straight answer of her whereabouts.

After going back and forth with putting me out of the home a few times, things started to get better. During the times I spent out of the house she continued to go out with her friends to various clubs. While living on my own there were times where I was tempted to be with another woman, but I never went through with it. Later on, she again started acting strange by keeping secrets and hanging out with people she refused to tell me about.

Then finally she decided she wanted out of the marriage. She would stay out all hours of the night even not coming home some nights. I felt in my heart that she was not faithful, but I never had proof, so I didn't force the issue. During this time she wanted to split, I was still staying under the same roof but not allowed to really answer the phone nor check messages. One day she came home and accused me of checking her messages and became physical with me. It led to her going to jail. Before the cops came, I left and returned once the police got to the home. After she was taken away, I became curious as to why she was so upset about the message. I search the phone and saw that she had been calling a certain number. This number would call a lot and hang up if I answered the phone only to call back and she would talk to them. She even called the number that night of the arrest. I call the number and spoke to another man, whom she eventually moved into our home after getting out of jail.

I was so hurt and became really depressed and rather than divorcing, I ran into a school mate and slept with her once. I asked the Lord to forgive me.

Months later my wife begged for me to come back. I still loved her, so I went back. Well, a couple of years later she again started going out and filed for a divorce. I signed the papers. After seeking advice from another elder member of the church, I was told that I had the right to date. Well, I did and ended up sleeping with another lady. I then asked for forgiveness and stop dating, period.

My wife found me and told me that she missed me, and, you guessed it, I went back. She said that our divorce never was made final, so we agreed to try it again.

Well here we are over a decade later, and she is asking for a divorce. She told me that she plans to date and seek other men and that I should not wait on her. She has not filed yet. I have become more educated on marriage and know that we're were both wrong in sleeping with other people.

My question is that if she goes and sleeps with another person after we forgave each other, does this allows me to remarry? I have rededicated my life and do not plan on turning back to my former ways. I know and plan to obey God's command about sex outside of a marriage, but I do realize that I will and could get lonely. I know that I do enjoy being married and have not given up on it. We have been separated for almost a year. We have kids now, who I plan to continue to raise in the church. I want to go to heaven, and I am working so hard toward that, but I would be lying if I told you I didn't feel lonely or that I don't want my current marriage to work. But I realize that if she started dating someone and went forward with sleeping with them, I don't think I would want to be with her. I feel trapped because I tried to get counseling, and she refuses to go to church or talk to anyone at church. She has even once told me she does not totally believe the Scriptures. I am praying every day, but I am not as naive as I was before, and, honestly, I believe that she is planning on dating soon.

I've put off asking this question for a while, but I really feel like I am holding on to this. I would accept her back after she has been with someone again because I am not sure that I could remarry if she commits adultery because of my mistakes in my past. I would take her back because I would get lonely.

I plan to contest the divorce if she files because I don't want to divorce for a non-biblical reason, even though we both committed the sin in the past and have asked for forgiveness. I hope and pray that things get better, but I realize that if she decides to not honor our marriage I can't stop her. She knows that I don't want a divorce, and I told her that it is because of my Christian beliefs, but I think that it will come down to whether the courts force me to divorce her.