I can’t seem to shake pornography
Question:
Hi,
I obeyed the gospel when I was 12 years old as a member of the church of Christ. My mom died a few months after I was baptized. It wasn't long after that that I began allowing myself to be influenced by the wrong crowd, allowing the world to creep back into my life. I do not mention these circumstances with any intention of displacing the blame, which falls squarely on me. I continued to attend worship service with my dad through school, but I knew that I had begun to drift away from a life in Christ, hanging around the wrong crowd. I never stopped praying and always felt the need for God in my life, even during those times, but I was certainly not keeping his commandments. I married a beautiful, wonderful woman. My struggle with porn started after my introduction to the Internet years ago. I am now in my sixties, and I continue to struggle with porn and lust.
Recently, I returned to the church and placed my membership at a local church of Christ, a wonderful and supportive group of brothers and sisters in Christ. But I cannot seem to shake this sin.
I've gone to a flip phone at times, but that creates a problem with banking and bill-paying apps. I've also put screen locks on my phone, but you cannot really protect yourself from yourself. I've spoken with my minister, and he's been very supportive and helpful, providing biblical instruction and guidance as well. However, I'm ashamed to admit just how bad it is.
I will confess my sin to God and ask Him to give me strength and to deliver me from this temptation that so entangles me. I also pray for godly sorrow that leads to true repentance. But then I give in yet again.
It is a vicious cycle, and I know forgiveness comes with repentance. The thought of my conscience being seared scares me very much, as I am aware of the consequences. I feel like such a wretched man. I know that ultimately, it is Christ that we should strive to be like, but I see other members, brothers and sisters in Christ, whom I look up to and would love to emulate.
Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer.
Answer:
I wish I had a simple way to make the desire to look at pornography go away, but it doesn't exist. Clearly, you are able to live without pornography. You've been hooked on it for only a fraction of your adult life. Therefore, the problem isn't a physical one but a spiritual one.
One aspect of the problem is that you've given yourself a "pass." You tell yourself, "It isn't like I'm running around committing adultery!" We tend to rate our sins and tell ourselves that as long as I'm not involved in horrible sins, then I'm not such a bad person. It is curious that a person who has no problem saying "No!" to adultery can't tell himself "No!" when watching others commit sexual sins. This is the problem Jesus addressed with the Jews of his day. "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28).
Another aspect of the problem is that you've developed a habit. When certain "triggers" are present, your impulse is to look at pornography. Every person has their own set of triggers. However, it is essential to identify your triggers. In every case, the reason you turn to pornography isn't solved by looking at pornography. You may experience temporary relief, but it always returns. As a result, a cycle takes place, and no progress is made. What you have to do is find real solutions for the problems that trigger your porn use -- ones that don't involve sin.
"Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified" (I Corinthians 9:27-29).
Athletes are willing to set aside their immediate desires when they are focused on a greater desire. Is the world and your flesh more important to you than serving God and reaching heaven? Self-control isn't something you're given; it is something you have to develop and exert. It comes by acknowledging that you have desires, but it is paired with knowing that those desires aren't your goal. See "Onward and Upward."
Often, there are slip-ups. What do you do? Do you give yourself another pass? "Well, I messed up again, so it doesn't matter if I keep going for a bit. Then I'll straighten this out." Or do you get right back to the battle? "For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, but the wicked stumble in time of calamity" (Proverbs 24:16).
Limiting your access to pornography is a good start. It gives you a breather to build up your spiritual strength. However, if there is no growth, then when the barriers are dropped, you revert to the same sins. I see this all the time with people who are converted while in prison. They perform well in a controlled environment, but shortly after they are released, they revert to their familiar habits. Get a pornography blocker installed on your phones and computers. Have someone be your accountability partner who will get alerts when you start straying. When they contact you, be honest. No one can help you when you are hiding the truth.
Answer:
Clearly, you desire to change, so you are not like Esau, who didn't think he had a problem. Instead of worrying about whether you are able to change, change! Understand that it will be rough at the start. There might be a few slips, but be determined to stay the course.
Response:
I will. Thank you!
