How long do I try to make my marriage work?
Question:
Hello,
My husband and I have been separated off and on for over a year and a half now. We were still sexually involved, although he has been involved with other women during this time until I contracted a sexually transmitted disease from him. Each attempt to reconcile our marriage has been unsuccessful due to his continuing relationships with these women. I ask him what are they giving him that I don't give him, but he would not answer that question. I also told him I've forgiven him, and he needed to end the relationship with those women.
When I first found out about these women, we argue about it all the time. I never gave it a rest. Since our last separation, my attitude about it has calmed down a lot. I'm praying more to God, listening to spiritual CD's and talking about my issue with my family to help me deal with it. I'm now able to talk with my husband about the issue like an adult.
Recently, my mother passed away, I lost my job, and my son went off to college. I asked my husband to come home because I'm at my lowest point and really need him to be there for me. He said he can't come home because he is into things that only God can get him out of and that he needs to divorce me but can't seem to follow thru with it. He admits to leaving God and knowing he will be punished for his actions. I am totally confused by his answer because my husband still wants to have sex with me, spends a night here at the house sometimes, gives me money, works on the car when needed, cuts the grass when needed, and comes to the house for mail and other miscellaneous stuff. Most of his clothes are still here.
Right now I am a married woman living single, and I am tired of dealing with the issue. I am no longer having sex with my husband because of the STD. Told him to not come to the house any longer because I am so tired of him disrespecting me and the marriage. I love my husband and want my marriage to work out, but he doesn't want to come home. So please tell me when is enough; enough. How long do I refer to my wedding vows that said: "in good times and bad times 'til death do you part"?
Thank you for your time and help,
Answer:
"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9).
Your husband is continuing to be involved in adultery. You could have ended at any time, and that option still remains open to you.
A part of your difficulty results from the fact that you aren't standing up for righteousness. Your husband is ignoring your wedding vows, yet there are no consequences. You offered him forgiveness when he has not repented. "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him" (Luke 17:4). In essence, there has been no real rebuke of his behavior. You told him that he shouldn't sin but because there was no action behind the words, the words were empty. It is much like Eli telling his sons, "Why do you do such things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all the people. No, my sons! For it is not a good report that I hear. You make the LORD'S people transgress. If one man sins against another, God will judge him. But if a man sins against the LORD, who will intercede for him?" (I Samuel 2:23-25). But Eli didn't follow up his words with action and as a result, God told Eli, "For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them" (I Samuel 3:13). Sadly, even after God's scolding, Eli basically said, what will be, will be.
You should always be ready to give forgiveness when a person turns from sin, but you should never support a person while he sins, and that is what you have been doing. Throw the bum out and tell him that if he straightens out his life before you happen to find a good man, then you might consider taking him back. Yes, that means you will have to mow your own lawn and find someone to service the car, but it is better than supporting sin.
