How far do we help with the wedding of a young man who got a girl pregnant?

Question:

Hello brother, how are you?

I have a question for you, but first, let me give you some context. I am a Spanish-speaking minister who works with an English-speaking church that meets in the same building.

There is a sister in the church who has always come to church. She has a son that used to come to church, but when he got his girlfriend pregnant he stopped coming. He also decided to not finish his last year in high school but instead work.

Not long ago, his mom told me that her son and his girlfriend want to get married. I told her that it was a great idea. But she told me that she needed help with their wedding. She said she wasn't looking to spend much money. I told her that I don't mind helping her. She also asked me if I could get my mother to help her, as well as the church. I told her that I would ask them.

I told my mother, and she didn't mind talking to her about the plans. But when I talked to her later, she told me that I need to be careful with her.

My mother told me that when they were planning, she was looking for expensive things. As soon as they were done, my mother told me to tell her that I would help to buy the cups and the items to cut the cake since they would be the cheapest before she called and asked me to buy something really expensive.

My mother also asked her if her family (a very big family) is going to help her with the wedding. Basically, her answer was she didn't want to bother them. That made me think about something she said on Sunday when we were talking. She said that the wedding was going to be limited only to her family. I asked her "what about the church?" She responded that when she meant her family, she was also including her spiritual family.

Then she asked me if I could ask the English-speaking minister if he could help with some money for the wedding. I told her that I would ask but wasn't sure if he could help.

My mother, after she talked to her about the planning, told me that she was going to ask the brethren who speak English if they can help with money.

I will be honest brother, but I am feeling very questionable about all of this. I am thinking that maybe she is taking advantage of the church's brethren and their kindness. But I also think that she doesn't know that she is doing that. I don't mind helping, and I would love for the young couple to get married instead of living together in fornication.  But I also want to set things straight and don't know when or where to start.

What advice can you give me brother? What is the Bible's limit on kindness? Where is the limit (if there is any) to helping someone? Is there a difference between helping a Christian and a non-Christian? And who takes priority?

Thank you for your time brother, I know is a lot I am asking, but I really need biblical guidance.

May God bless you.

Answer:

The basic problem is that a young man is committing fornication. He shows no repentance for his sin since he continues to live with the woman he got pregnant. The only step he has made in the right direction is that he wants to get married.

A wedding doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. In most places, you can go down to the local courthouse and get a marriage license. If he would like a preacher to perform the ceremony, I see nothing wrong with offering to do the wedding ceremony. If he wishes the brethren to see that he is making a change in his life, then there is nothing wrong with him inviting the brethren to witness his marriage. But notice that these things involve encouraging the young man to change -- no money is involved.

The mother is attempting to change this. By asking the brethren to pay for a more elaborate wedding, it rapidly approaches a celebration of the fact that the young man sinned. I know the mother wants a nice wedding for her son, but that is her desire and not the brethren's responsibility. The fact that she won't talk to her family about her plans for his wedding is a huge red flag.

What I would suggest is bypassing the mother. Talk to the young man and his bride-to-be. Discuss with them why they wish to marry and what will be their plans for the future. Talk to them about returning to the church and leaving their sins behind. Ask them what is hindering them from repenting (changing their life and attitudes) and offer to help remove roadblocks.

I suspect that the couple has no plans for returning to God, but in hopes of the best, if they are working to improve their lives, I am sure you will see the brethren more than happy to help them do what is right without having to be asked.

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