How do we handle our son’s birth father’s recent contact?
Question:
Good afternoon Brother Hamilton,
First of all, I want to thank you for your wonderful service in maintaining such a great resource for us to learn from. Your website has truly helped and aided me in my Christian walk.
I am a sister in Christ. Let me give you some background.
My husband and I both grew up in the body in our youth but fell away. We got married a while ago and become baptized believers several years ago. We have children together. Our oldest son is a child I had as a teenager with someone else.
My husband and I have raised him together. My husband is on his birth certificate. His biological father has seen him only a few times his entire life and never showed any interest in knowing him. The last time he saw our son, our son told us he spit in his face. Our son has graduated from high school.
Yesterday evening, our doorbell rang, I didn’t recognize the person and asked who he was. He preceded to ask for our son by name. I thought it could have been a friend from school, but then he mentioned his biological father was looking for him. His biological father didn’t even have the nerve to come up to the door himself. They left a number on a package that was at my door. It was addressed to my son from his biological father.
My husband and I are in a dilemma. We don’t know what to do. It’s causing some friction between us, and I feel as if he’s blaming this on me. We both feel like the biological father has crossed the line by coming to our house unexpectedly. He has a long criminal record, which concerns me. I don’t know what his true intentions may be. We don’t even know how he found our address.
Brother Hamilton, what do you advise us to do? Please help us with some sound biblical advice as I know you do. I pray to hear from you soon.
Answer:
Your son is old enough that he should be a part of any decision made. At his age, if he wanted to contact his father, there would not be anything legally against it.
In regards to locating you, that would not be difficult since the biological father knows your names and likely knows the region you live within. Property records are typically public. Given the timing, he might have seen the boy's name in a list of recent graduates.
If your son doesn't want to talk to his biological father, then he can simply not call him and toss out the phone number. If the biological father tries again to contact him, let him know that your son declines to speak with him. Politely but firmly state that you do not wish to speak to him again and that any continued effort on his part will be seen as harassment. If he continues, you can go down to the police station and request a restraining order.
What is missing from all of this is why the biological father wants to speak with the boy. My guess is that he decided to make an attempt to apologize, especially since the last time he spoke with the boy it did not go well. Since he is a ruffian, it could be that he convinced himself that the only reason the boy was against him was that you were raising him. He waited until he was old enough to make his own choices to try to connect with him.
Whatever the reason, what you and your husband need to remember is that you two are his true parents. You are the ones who raised him. This man is likely a bad influence, but I would trust that your son would know that such people are to be avoided (I Corinthians 15:33).
