How do I stop being so involved in my friend’s sinful life?
Question:
Here's the background story:
A year ago my friend, whom I'm very close to, dated someone who wasn't mature enough for a relationship, but she still went out with him. She gave her all to him (including sex), and three months later they broke up. Ever since then they have been messing around, and she still "gives her milk away for free" and loves him.
At the same time, he does not care about her as she does him. He manipulates her, disrespects her, lies to her, belittles her, calls her names, mentally and verbally abuses her, and more, and she takes it all.
Months later she told him to stop, but we all know she did so a little too late for it to stop because she didn't stop him at the first offense, but waited until the billionth offense. She got pregnant by him because she's reckless, didn't want birth control, wanted to know when she ovulates, which is stupid, and because she is bound by sex, really bad. She has the spirit of lust embedded in her pretty deep. She got an abortion which the guy comforted her about it.
But every time I see her she's always upset or crying because she's always mad at him because he's always doing something wrong. She was never happy with him but yet she still stayed. She never knows where he is, he ignores her calls and all.
A month ago or so she found out that he had sex with someone else several times. Not only that, he calls the other girl "baby" and all of that. My friend found out and was hurt. She said she was not going to have sex with him anymore, but, of course, since she is bound by sex she has sex with him again and gets some type of infection (not an STD). She still has sex with him after that.
She found out she was pregnant again. The guy threatened to kill himself if she didn't get an abortion. So my friend got an abortion and now she's all depressed. This was her third abortion. The first one was from a previous relationship. She's upset cause she didn't learn her lesson. When she went through with the procedure after she would call him because emotionally and physically in pain but he would purposely ignore her and not answer. He shows no emotion or feelings toward the situation. He makes it like the pregnancy is her fault. But after the abortion, she still went back to him and opened her legs once more.
She told me she's suicidal and that she wrote a suicide note last week. I asked her again this past weekend if she was suicidal and she said no.
During her whole relationship with this guy, I've been there for her every time. I've told her from the beginning that she shouldn't be with him, but she never listens to me and thinks I'm being biased for whatever reason. It frustrates me so much. One time I cried to another friend about her and how much I see in her that she doesn't see. She was growing closer to God, but ever since her recent abortion she's all antichrist and there's nothing I can do. I'm stressed, bothered, and annoyed because now I've taken her pain and put it on my plate, even though it has nothing to do with me because I care so much. I've sacrificed so much for her, so much that, unfortunately, I've put her before God.
I always come through for her 100%, but she never does it for me. She wasn't at the most important day of my life thus far, which was my baptism. She left during my birthday this past weekend and she wasn't even at my birthday party last year. She puts herself first, except when it comes to that guy she's been with. She's very selfish and very clingy. It's hard to say no to her a lot because I don't want to make her upset. Especially now that she's going through this mess. She wants me with her all the time and tried to make me feel guilty that I chose for the first time in a while not to be there.
My Christian friends say she's toxic and a manipulator and I should distance myself from her and love her from afar because she's going to drag me down with her since she's so clingy. Hanging out with her too much I will start to pick up her actions and her ways. I know she said she's suicidal so I feel like I need to give my all through this hard time for her, but I've taken her burdens upon myself and now I'm stressed. She's all I think about because I'm afraid for her life and her mental state. She said she was not going to kill herself anymore but in the past, she did cut herself and tried to attempt to kill herself.
I don't want the burden of her problems. How do I take this burden off of me? What should I do? Should I distance myself? Please help. Thank you.
Answer:
"He who corrects a scoffer gets shame for himself, and he who rebukes a wicked man only harms himself" (Proverbs 9:7).
While I know you are concerned about your friend, you are concerned for someone who is not interested in living righteously. You cannot save her from her own stupidity because she is choosing this as the course of her life. If she asks what she should do, tell her that she needs to dump this evil man who is using her for sex and start living for God. Since she doesn't listen, when she comes to you for sympathy, shrug your shoulders and point out that she has harvested what you warned her not to sow.
"His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, and he is caught in the cords of his sin. He shall die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray" (Proverbs 5:22-23).
"The righteousness of the blameless will direct his way aright, but the wicked will fall by his own wickedness. The righteousness of the upright will deliver them, but the unfaithful will be caught by their lust" (Proverbs 11:5-6).
Her sins and their consequences are her problems and not your own. What you have to realize is that the reason she is a damsel in distress is that she manufactures her own problems. You can't recuse a person from herself. You can only advise her to stop sinning.
The fact that you call her a close friend is troubling. When a person demonstrates no love for the Lord, how can there be fellowship? "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they shall be My people." Therefore "Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, And I will receive you." "I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the LORD Almighty." Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God" (II Corinthians 6:14-7:1). The truth is because she has no love for God, you don't have a foundation for friendship. Your Christian friends are correct:
"Do not be deceived: "Evil company corrupts good habits"" (I Corinthians 15:33).
"The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray" (Proverbs 12:26).
From what you told me, she was not getting closer to God. There might have been periods where she stopped being quite as destructive, but not once in your description have you described a person who was turning from sin. For example, the recent abortion wasn't the turning point. She has been living in fornication and never gave it up! (I Corinthians 6:9-10).
The tendency of the wicked is to cause harm to those around them.
"Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not walk in the way of evil. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn away from it and pass on. For they do not sleep unless they have done evil; and their sleep is taken away unless they make someone fall. For they eat the bread of wickedness, and drink the wine of violence. But the path of the just is like the shining sun, that shines ever brighter unto the perfect day. The way of the wicked is like darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble" (Proverbs 4:14-19).
The wicked tend to be selfish, so there is no concern about other people.
"The soul of the wicked desires evil; his neighbor finds no favor in his eyes" (Proverbs 21:10).
This girl uses being a victim as a way to manipulate other people to get what she wants. It is part of the reason she in turn is manipulated by this guy by his claims of committing suicide or whatever else. The wicked have a strong tendency to fall for the same schemes they use on other people.
If she says she is suicidal, then you report it to someone in authority and ask them to handle it. In doing so it stops the claims and she discovers that she cannot use that tactic on you. Nor do you need to fear her mental state. She is choosing this life. It isn't what you wish for her, but you told her what she needs to do. Now you have to let her face the consequences of her choices. The wicked do not need to be made to feel comfortable in their sins.
She has chosen a life of self-destruction. Pray that she might realize her mistakes before it is too late, but stop being there to comfort her in her destructive ways.
