I feel so lazy and irresponsible
Question:
Hello,
I feel so bad, so guilty, so scared to lose my salvation because I've been ill and feel like I lost my first love. I was so active in the church, at home, and in my hobbies. I can do the bare minimum at home, and I've cut my work hours to a few per week to keep my health insurance. For God's work, I only have one student online once a week. I'm a Bible class teacher for little ones; I don't feel like I'm putting in much effort there. I teach a women's class online every other week; not much effort there, either. I don't like TV, and I've been watching TV lately, but I can't find the will to preach to others to get more students. When I have good moments, I work a little and also do household chores.
What can I do? Any advice?
By the way, my illness is not that bad. I've had sleep apnea all my life due to jaw malformation, but I guess now in my 50s it's caught up with me. It's untreated due to my jaw issues. My oxygen drops to 83% all night (just found out), and I stop breathing every 1.5 minutes. I've found a solution, and I'm working towards getting better, but for now, I feel so scared. I'm embarrassed to constantly ask God for forgiveness. Why ask if I'm not changing my ways?
I feel so bad because I feel lazy and irresponsible to God. I can do other work, but I can't do more for Him. In all honesty, what I do for Him doesn't feel like much; it doesn't cost me much effort.
Sincerely in Christ.
Answer:
People have a strong tendency to measure themselves against other people, including their past selves. Some can't let go of their past mistakes, to which Paul said, "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14). That same advice applies to past accomplishments. All the things you've done in the past are wonderful, and I'm glad to hear that you are not sitting back.
You are doing what your health allows. You would like to do more, and you are approaching the problem correctly by addressing the core issue (your sleep apnea). However, while you are healing, don't discredit what you are doing. To your students, the children you teach, and the women in your class, you are important. After all these years of teaching, it seems easy, but it is no less important.
If you are looking for some additional challenge, consider writing lessons and articles. You find teaching easy, so teach others to teach (II Timothy 2:2).
Instead of fighting to do all the things you used to handle, find what you can do. God is not looking for you to work your way into heaven. All the things we do cannot make up for our past sins. Yet, God's rich mercy offers us salvation, and in appreciation, we do what we can to serve Him.
This isn't an issue of laziness or sin. It is a matter of failing health and approaching old age. It requires adapting to your limitations and making the most of what you have. Don't waste time wishing for what you don't have.
