How do I help a friend away from homosexuality?
Question:
I need to help someone! A friend of mine is saying that he's gay. He says he likes another friend of mine (who doesn't like him, but sometimes they get too intimate, like extended hugs and caresses). I got curious and kept asking him until I got to the origins of his problems, I found out some things: He's not gay; he was just in need of love. Why? Because he's not close to his parents. He says his mother is a religious fanatic and his father is absent, even though his relationship with his father is good. -Why does he say his mother is a religious fanatic? Because after she started going to church years ago when they do something wrong she starts saying it's the work of the devil. He and his brothers hate this, and now they're not close enough to her. He keeps saying he's gay because he likes men more than women, but he does that because he doesn't like his mother! I'm sure of it! His father works a lot I believe, and he talks a lot to him, but they're not very close. When his parents try to hug him he always moves away; he doesn't want their hugs. I know he's not gay. He has a problem with his relationship with his parents! So all the love he wants to have and his will to have a good and intimate relationship with his parents were just redirected at this other friend of mine! He's not gay, he just wants love from his parents!
This other friend of mine has problems with his parents also, and he has a lot of trouble with gay men wanting him. The two were very close friends. The problem is this boy's emotional problems made him believe he's in love with the other boy, He's not; he just misses all the love his parents could give him. My other friend took advantage of him. Accepting gifts and favors from him. I told him he overestimates this other boy and isn't thinking about himself, but that's because he has a bad relationship with his parents.
So please, help me help him! I want to help him! He's a friend and he's another soul I can win for Christ! But if I want to win this time I'll have to convince him to talk to his parents, and he's afraid! He doesn't want to tell them he almost kissed the other guy or that they caressed each other. He's afraid of what they might think of him.
Answer:
Your analysis is probably correct. Both Bruno and Lucas are looking for affection, but they have gone in the wrong direction to find it. In some ways, a same-sex relationship appears easier on the surface because a guy knows how guys think and behave. Girls are a mystery and a complication. It is very typical for teens who have relationship problems with their parents to seek out affection as a substitute. That is why fornication is common and for a small percentage, homosexuality.
One frequent feature noted in homosexual men is a perception that their fathers don't accept them. Whether the perception is actually true or not doesn't matter.
Another very frequent factor is sexual abuse when young. When puberty hits, the young person acts out sexually in a manner similar to his abuse because that is what he "understands." Frequently the victim in sexual abuse blames himself and hates who he is. In such cases, the person drives the wedge between his father and himself -- thinking there is no way his father would accept him if he knew. In other words, the causes behind homosexuality can be complex and multifaceted.
Almost every homosexual I've talked to consider himself to be suffering on some level. I'm frequently told "I won't have picked this life," which tells me they are unhappy. In a sense, homosexual behavior becomes a coping mechanism to find acceptance. Sadly, like most sins, the very thing that is sought is only partially there. Homosexuals have unstable relationships and very high rates of partners because what they really want appears to be given in homosexuality, but it doesn't exist there, so they are left dissatisfied.
In helping out your friend, there are some things you must keep in mind:
"Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted" (Galatians 6:1). Since you are male and want to help your friend there is a danger of his transferring his desire for affection to you, since you care. The potential of getting pulled into his problems and viewpoints is there. Never consider yourself immune from temptation -- even from directions you.
You need to treat this as any other sin. Since it is a sexual sin, it isn't that much different from fornication. And you will find it just as hard to convince a guy to stop having sex, no matter what the gender of his partners are.
The real key is whether Lucas wants to follow God's will or not. His mother becomes a hindrance here because she represents religion, but it is religion gone wrong. I don't know if Lucas has a personal interest in following God, but without it, no change will stick. He needs to understand that he is accountable to a higher authority.
If he wants to talk with me, I'm available. One thing I know helps is that the more male friends he has who are secure in their maleness and know they want to marry a woman one day, the better off he will be because those male friends will help him accept himself. He doesn't need to confide in his parents his sins or near sins, but he does need someone who he can talk to about his problems. "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (James 5:16). That person needs to be a good male role model for him.
