How do I get my fiance to stop breaking up with me?
Question:
My fiancé recently lost his mom. We are a blended family. We got into an argument at church and left.
Our children got into an argument at church and when we came back inside from having a smoke, his daughter asked to talk to him privately. When he came back to the table he was clearly upset, so I asked what now. I had no clue what had happened up to this point. He said my son was rude and yelled at her. He had to talk to the adult that was there when it happened.
I went and looked for my son and talked to him to get his side because my fiance didn't give him a chance to talk about what happened. I then went back in and said to him (with an attitude and a raised voice because of what he told me), "We need to all talk about this." He said not here in church, it isn't the place. But he spoke with his daughter and the lady present about what happened without my son present. He was part of the problem.
We continued to argue, and he never came to bed that night. The next day we didn't spend any time together, but the argument got worse over text messages. I mentioned him hugging his second ex-wife at the funeral and my having to hear everyone talking about old memories of the kids and his ex-wife was hard for me to hear. They were not memories of his mom and them, just the kids and his ex-wife's memories. I feel very insecure and threatened by his second ex-wife. I've tried talking to him but he gets upset and accuses me of not trusting him. I do trust him. I don't trust her. She cheated on him with his brother. At the funeral, I did tell her to go to him. When he told me he has to hug her, I said, "Go, I understand." Although I understand completely and said to her to go to him, it is still uncomfortable for me.
Now he won't forgive me, broke off our engagement and relationship totally. I've tried repeatedly talking to him, telling him I'm sorry, it was insensitive of me, I said it out of anger and hurt. But he still says we're done. We don't work when we talk, it's better to break it off, we've tried and tried and we don't work. He told me and I told him we are soul mates. It is a forever love, we'll grow old together and now it's not. Every time we argue, he breaks up with me. I'm trying so hard to be a good step-mom and support him through the loss of his mom and my soon-to-be mother-in-law, but he just keeps pushing me away. I've prayed and prayed. I'm lost without him. I want us to work and be forever grow old together.
What should I do? Please help.
Thanks.
Answer:
I suspect you won't like what I must say. You are involved in so much self-deception, the truth is going to hurt.
You aren't a blended family. You are two people living together in fornication, pretending that you are married in all but name. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). You want God to help, but God doesn't answer sinners. He won't help you get back together so that you can continue your sins. "Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, That it cannot save; Nor His ear heavy, That it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; And your sins have hidden His face from you, So that He will not hear" (Isaiah 59:1-2).
You pretend that you have a forever love, but all you have is a man who lives in your house and shares your bed. You have no commitment to each other, only intentions. Like most relationships based on fornication, the typical mode of solving problems involves running away from them. That is why he is always breaking up with you. Yet, even when separated, you continue to pretend that the two of you are going to get married and everything is going to be happy.
You want him around; yet, you indicate that you are often critical of him and don't like how he solves problems. I suspect that these incidences you mentioned are just a small sample. Consider what Solomon wrote: "Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman" (Proverbs 29:19). A contentious person is someone who is never satisfied, who always manages to find fault, and who is rarely happy. It is hard to live with a person like that; yet, you believe you can have frequent fights and then make it up by saying you're sorry. You tell yourself and others that your anger excuses the lack of control over what you say.
You have to stop telling people to do things and then get angry when they do those things. In reality, you are lying to people about what you think and feel.
I don't know if either of you has a right to marry another person. Yes, his last wife left him for another man, but I don't know if he was committing adultery too. I don't know why he left his first wife. I don't know if you've been married before or not. What I do know is that if you want to find happiness and be pleasing to God, you have to stop pretending that sins don't really matter. You have to live life by God's laws and not by what you think will make you happy at the moment.
