How do I gain control over my sexual desire?
Question:
I need help. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. I love him very much, and soon he is going to ask my parents for my hand.
I've always had a crush on this guy. He's actually the stepson of my uncle. Since I met him when I was young, I've always liked him. We never ever really talked at all until a week ago. When we talked that one time, we both confessed that we had a crush on each other for a long time. Ever since we have been talking and at one point we both had thoughts of us having sex. I've masturbated a few times because I get turned on when I talk to him.
I love my boyfriend dearly, and he's the one with whom I want to marry and spend the rest of my life. I don't know what to do, the guy is basically my step-cousin. I am a Christian, go to church every Sunday, have my role in the church, and all. I know this is a sin, but I can't control it. I really want to put a stop to it, especially the masturbating and sexual desires. Please help. I'm going through a spiritual battle right now, and I'm tired of it all. I want to be faithful to my God. I want to give myself to Him with an open and cleansed heart!
Answer:
Right now you are going through the throes of infatuation. While you've known your step-cousin for a long while, you haven't really talked to him to get to know him as a person. The sudden realization that both of you are interested in each other has set off fireworks, but much is based on what you imagine things will be like. Reality hasn't set in yet.
In contrast, you do know your boyfriend. He is a familiar quantity. The truth that he loves you doesn't set off fireworks because it is old news.
A part of the temptation here is the knowledge that it is wrong. "Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant" (Proverbs 9:17). While there would be nothing wrong with a girl marrying her step-cousin, you see it as wrong, so it lends excitement. In addition, you know this relationship can lead to the break up with your boyfriend, which is additional risk and excitement. You are running on highly charged feelings, but there is nothing practical or realistic about this relationship.
You are wrong when you say you can't control it. You have a lot of control, but you are letting your feelings get in your way. There were zero reasons for you to be talking about having sex with your cousin. "But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God" (Ephesians 5:3-5). It is because you allowed the conversation to continue, due to its exciting nature, that you went further into lust for sex with your cousin.
Frankly, if your boyfriend got word of this, I would hope he has serious thoughts about whether to go ahead with the marriage. You are displaying the type of character that leads to unfaithfulness after marriage. Unless you want to dump your boyfriend for someone you barely know, you need to be blunt with your cousin. Just say it is wrong and not to call back again. Even if you rather dump your boyfriend for this unknown quantity, it doesn't give you the right to jump into bed with him. You need to invest time in getting to know him, getting engaged, and then getting married before even considering sex. At the moment you are in a position to think sensibly about your cousin, so I would still tell you to back off.
Question:
Thank you very much. Would the thoughts be considered sinful?
Answer:
A passing thought would be nothing more than temptation. But when you dwell on thinking about something that you know is wrong, especially when you reach the point that you accept the possibility of doing it, then you've moved into the realm of lust, which is sinful.
"For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lewdness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a man" (Mark 7:21-23).
Response:
Thank you very much. I appreciate your words. God bless you. I'll definitely do things right. I'm not going to let it control me because I have the control. Thanks a lot!
