How can I perfectly repent?
Question:
Hello Mr. Hamilton,
I feel I need to preface this email. This email was written over the course of many months, during which various issues arose at different times. For instance, the repentance part was written several months ago, but other stuff was written more recently. This is coming from a very fearful season in my life, so I don't always feel this way. Most of the time, I doubt my own beliefs, but a lot of this email discusses fearing many different things.
I previously emailed you about repentance, noting that it seems confusing and difficult to understand. You sent an email with an article about all things it isn't, and then I recently saw something else about repentance. I struggle to feel confident that I'm doing it right, and that scares me. There was an article that said repentance is being pricked of the heart and that you must feel sorrow. Well, I have OCD, but it deals with how I relate to my emotions and feelings. Sometimes I might not feel what I want to feel. Meaning I might not feel sorrow. Then it makes me feel guilty and anxious, and the spiral of thoughts starts.
One thing that I have been trying to work on is gossiping. I had felt really horrible about that. Must you tell every person that you have gossiped about and ask for forgiveness? That seems impossible because I don't know everything I have said and to whom I said it. I'm not sure if I am being too hard on myself. That is one instance where getting repentance just right scares me. Should I approach the person and say, "I gossiped about you"? I don't want to create a divide based on something I don't even remember saying. Not only is that humiliating, but it is also impossible to remember all the people I could have said something about. The fear of doing this just a certain way has me scared and fearful that God is just ready to punish me. Then I wonder if you have to ask every single person for forgiveness, or if God won't forgive you. Then it would be something unforgivable.
How do you overcome gossiping?
The fear of not doing something perfectly scares me. Repentance isn't just about feeling sorrow or covering up sin. And then trying to do all the things repentance is creates this black and white - all or nothing mindset that fuels my OCD. It is frustrating to feel like I'm not doing things quite right. It creates this idea that if I don't feel a certain way (remorseful, sad, etc.), that I'm unforgivable.
Previously, you said I tried to feel bad for something when I hadn't done anything wrong. For instance, I mention not feeling sorrow. I have come to see sin in not listening to my parents when they want me to go to bed earlier, and I don't. Sometimes I masturbate. I have also watched Fifty Shades of Grey. I have concluded that this is wrong. I have asked God to forgive me, and I no longer want to watch that. Is that the correct way to repent? On top of other things that I'm sure I do that I might not feel anything toward. I may not always feel sorrow for these things. I feel I should be upset and crying, but I don't think I feel that way about some of these things. I'm not sure if it is because I am putting so much pressure on myself to behave a certain way. But then I think you can't truly repent because you don't have a contrite heart and aren't crying. Then I start wondering if I even feel sorry for my sin.
That is what I mean by feeling the need to do things just right. I'm not sure if I am being too hard on myself or what. The pressure I feel is insurmountable. The sins I have listed, for which I feel no sorrow, make me wonder how I can truly repent. Which makes me wonder if the added pressure is fueling my OCD mindset. I could stop doing these things, but I guess my question is, am I doing it wrong because I don't always feel bad? Repentance seems so hard because I keep wondering if I am behaving the way an alcoholic would, where they know what they are doing is wrong, they stop, but they may not have the feelings. The idea of repentance is very difficult. Then it gets me thinking, do I even want to repent? That could be an OCD thought, but I'm not sure.
Then, I feel pressure to come up with other sins I might have committed that I can't think of. It is all a lot. Trying to repent just right is a pressure and struggle that feels so strong. I feel like it shouldn't be this complicated, but the fear of not repenting perfectly and causing God to be angry with me fills me with dread.
On top of all that, I'm also afraid of getting everything wrong, which makes me anxious about getting baptized. Plus, I'm trying to figure out the right time, but I'm uncertain and doubtful. I guess I keep expecting to feel at least somewhat at peace, knowing I am making the right decision, rather than terrified that I don't believe at all.
The fear of not getting salvation just right is terrifying. The feeling that you have to do everything perfectly is scary.
There are so many things that denominations teach or the Catholic church teaches that are different from one another; it scares me that I could be wrong. This isn't something that I want to be wrong about. Why does it have to be so complicated? People in different denominations read the same bible, yet get something entirely different. Does that mean God is going to send people to hell because they interpreted the Bible differently? I can see how people come to their conclusions based on how they interpret the text. I can understand why people might be Catholic, given the history, but I also find the Church of Christ to have very compelling points. It is scary. Why wouldn't God explicitly say that the _______ church is correct instead of feeling like different things could be right based on interpretation. Does that mean these people who are Catholics or different denominations won't go to heaven? My OCD can't handle the uncertainty. The pressure to believe and do the right things is overwhelming.
OCD creates this urgency that I have to have things figured out yesterday, and it only makes me frazzled and have no clarity. I have recently developed a fear that Jesus might come back. Partly, it doesn't make sense to me because here I often wonder if I even believe, and here I am worrying about Jesus coming back. Which then makes me think I must believe. But then I feel uncertain because I constantly have doubts, and the thoughts seem so real. Then, when I recently started thinking about Jesus coming back, I started worrying that I had to hurry as fast as I could, so to speak (because none of us know the day or the hour). By hurry I mean repent, get baptized, etc. Which comes from the OCD mindset. Which makes me not respond with clarity, but from a place of fear. Plus, it makes me wonder if I would even be doing it for the right reasons because I can't judge what I even believe anymore (with the big spirals in my mind).
But then part of me wonders if I want a relationship with Jesus, which has to be OCD because why would I be so all over the place if it wasn't? My mind is just so confused and worried. How do I respond to this? Should I be patient with myself, trusting that I will get there without rushing? Because ultimately, I want to know that I'm doing it for the right reasons.
To add to that, the fear that I haven't taken action because the constant, incessant thoughts leave me feeling like I don't know what I believe. And it makes me think I keep disobeying God (which scares me), but my brain doesn't even know if I fully believe. I am really struggling with the idea of trying to please God, but I feel like I'm going to mess up. I struggle so hard with believing, as a result, I haven't done what I need to do with obeying God's commandments for salvation, which worries me that He is mad at me. But I also convince myself that I don't really believe, which makes me feel like a fraud and undermines my authenticity. It is very stressful.
To add to that, I attend a church that isn't a church of Christ, but it is a church I've been going to since I was a child. It is a very small church, and I would feel terrible not to go since my family is the majority of the congregants. Plus, this church feels like home. My OCD convinces me that God is constantly ready to punish me, and I struggle to see the love that He is because I'm constantly worried that everything I do is wrong and is going to send me to hell. I don't want my family to go to hell because we don't attend a church of Christ. All of this and more has been on my mind, and it keeps me spiraling. I see that I am worried about dying!
I don't always get worried by these things, but sometimes OCD fuels my worry, other times I worry so much I'm numb. Other times I am okay because I tell myself to be patient because if you try to rush it only makes you anxious. I did well for a while (no anxiety), I don't know if it's because I avoided everything or what. I feel like a fraud when I read the Bible because I struggle to see if I believe. So I had avoided reading, but I am trying to get back into it. I avoided going to church because of all the anxiety, but I am trying again. I had clarity when I stopped doing these things, but now I want to have a relationship with Jesus. Why is it so hard for me?
One last point I want to add is that when I am fearful, I almost feel like I believe more, even though my mind questions: "Do you believe in resurrection, etc?" I don't know if my OCD makes me hyperfixated when I am fearful, to the point where I feel I believe. Other times, though, I doubt altogether. It's been a few days since I wrote about fearing God and all that kind of stuff. I almost feel closer to God when I am extremely fearful. Is my faith merely a feeling rather than a substantive belief? Or did I worry so much that now I'm numb? I feel like I'm not taking it seriously when I don't worry. What am I supposed to do? The fear makes things pertinent and important, keeping them at the forefront of my mind. I feel like I'm on this emotional roller-coaster. How can I take my faith seriously when fear isn't involved? For me, OCD has made it so that when I am fearful, it shows how much I care. I can go from one week saying I care to the next feeling like I don't. I am beyond confused. Do I even realize how much I need Jesus?
Ultimately, it scares me to say that Jesus is Lord, and he was resurrected, because when I say it:
- I feel like a fraud, putting on an act, and wonder if I truly believe it.
- I want to believe with all my heart, but I feel like I don't. And to be honest, that scares me more than anything.
- It makes me wonder if it is a faith problem or an OCD problem.
Do you think it's that I really don't believe in the resurrection? I thought I had OCD (never been diagnosed), but maybe I am just gaslighting myself. What is wrong with me? I think what if I'm wrong and this isn't true?
I see people who aren't stressed out like this, and I know that's how it's supposed to be, but everything feels so worrisome. I often wish someone could believe in me because I just don't feel I can! I feel like I'm back to avoiding simply because I don't know how to work through this without intense anxiety!
It is all very discouraging! Please bring some rationality to my storm! I would appreciate your sensitivity!
At this point, should I consider seeking out a counselor if you think I do have OCD?
I do apologize for such a long email. There has been a lot on my mind.
Thank you for your time.
Answer:
There are so many things I probably should discuss with you, but my reply is late as it is.
You asked if I thought you had OCD. Your question that you sent in is almost a classic illustration of OCD thought. Since you are struggling so much with it, you may want to talk to your doctor about your struggle. While doctors and psychologists may not be interested in the religious aspects of your cycling, certain practices can generally help. Meanwhile, we can discuss the religious questions.
At its roots, religious OCD (scrupulosity) comes from intolerance for risk [Fletcher Wortmann, “The Danger of Doubt: The Ruthless and Frequently Misunderstood Logic of OCD," 27 June 2013]. The sufferer strives for greater perfection than God (or anyone else) expects because he wants absolute certainty that he will be saved. Thus, the person adds stringent rules because he believes rules might make him more acceptable to God. But man-made rules don’t produce righteousness (Colossians 2:20-23).
In other words, the OCD sufferer strives for perfection because, in his mind, anything less carries too much risk. He doesn’t realize that he sets himself up for failure because no one is perfect. It leads to ruin, as Solomon warned (Ecclesiastes 7:16).
Faith isn't a feeling that you are doing right. "So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17). Faith is that you trust what God said to be true. Thus, faith cannot exist until you have something to believe in.
"Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, "I know Him," and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked" (I John 2:3-6).
If you don't know if something is or is not commanded by God, then it can't be of faith. Notice that you have been making decisions based on your uncertainty, not your confidence that this is what God commands.
Since nowhere in the Bible does God command that men complete tasks with absolute perfection, a good but less than perfectly completed task cannot be a sin because no law of God was broken. Sin is when a person breaks a law of God. "Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness" (I John 3:4).
The Bible says that when you sin, you are to repent of that sin. Repentance from sin means making a complete turnaround in your attitude and behavior toward sin. Paul said he "declared first to those in Damascus and in Jerusalem, and throughout all the region of Judea, and then to the Gentiles, that they should repent, turn to God, and do works befitting repentance" (Acts 26:20).
A part of the change involves addressing problems that may have arisen from sinning. "For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11). Zacchaeus demonstrated this when he turned to Jesus. "Look, Lord, I give half of my goods to the poor; and if I have taken anything from anyone by false accusation, I restore fourfold" (Luke 19:8). Zacchaeus declared that if he wrongfully took money from someone, he would return to that person four times what he stole. The Jewish Law only required that a thief return 20% more, but we can see Zacchaeus' zeal in wanting to change because he was willing to do more than the law required. Of course, there would be many whom Zacchaeus would not remember or would not be able to restore. For these, Zacchaeus declared he would take half of what he had and give it to the poor. Perhaps those he stole from would benefit, but in this manner, he removed the ill-gotten profits from his own household.
Notice, though, that Zacchaeus did not say he was going to track down every person and deliver a personal apology. Many would not be available. Many would not be known. Rather, Zacchaeus is making it clear what he is willing to do, hoping that anyone harboring ill will against him will reach out to him.
If you have gossiped, the first step is to stop and focus on mentioning good things about others rather than bad. If someone approaches you and says, "I heard you told lies about me!" then apologize and mention how you have been working on changing your behavior. God never said that you have to tell everyone you've changed to be forgiven. In fact, Zacchaeus was told he was forgiven before he even implemented his plan. God wants people to change for the better. Everyone is a work in progress for the rest of their lives. I will never be perfect, but I can strive to be better than I was last year. That striving to be better is what God is looking for. "'Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, each according to his conduct,' declares the Lord GOD. 'Repent and turn away from all your transgressions, so that iniquity may not become a stumbling block to you. Cast away from you all your transgressions which you have committed and make yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! For why will you die, O house of Israel? For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone who dies,' declares the Lord GOD. 'Therefore, repent and live'" (Ezekiel 18:30-32). What God is against are people who make no effort to change or who excuse their lack of change.
Let's take the example of watching inappropriate movies that are designed to get you sexually aroused. God said, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). Thus, it isn't a question of whether I feel that sexual movies are wrong. I trust God and know that I am told to avoid things like that. In this case, you did change for the better, and that is what God wants.
Are you going to repent of every sin? No. You are not likely to remember them all. You may not even realize that some things are sinful at this point. However, you can leave the sins you do know about. Even then, Satan isn't going to stop tempting you. Those sins will remain a struggle, but the goal is that as you get stronger, you are better able to resist. If you do slip up after becoming a Christian, you go to God and admit your errors, and He promises to forgive (I John 1:5-2:1).
The reason there are so many denominations is not due to a failure on God's part. People can't leave well enough alone. Rather than asking if every person will be saved following the man-made teachings of some denomination, you are better off asking: Can I go against what I know God commanded and expect to reach heaven? When you know the truth, then you can help others learn it. However, whether they follow it will be up to them. I work out my salvation, and they work out their salvation (Philippians 2:12).
Are you making things too complicated? Yes, because you are adding rules for perfection where none exist.
