Do I have enough faith?

Question:

Hello Mr. Hamilton,

I am writing to you because I have been researching OCD a lot, and I see that you address a lot of OCD-related issues. I know I have OCD, although I have never been formally diagnosed. I deal with unwanted thoughts, thoughts I feel like I want, urges, sensations, and feelings, as well as depersonalization as a result of constantly being in my head. The doubts are about what I believe about anything, especially God. I just obsess about everything. I struggle with all the possible themes of OCD you can think of. It's hard because I can't differentiate if it's just a thought or what I feel and believe.

For instance, when I read the Bible, my brain goes, is this true? Do I believe it, do I believe, etc? And it makes it hard to determine if that is me or the OCD. Because I know OCD makes you doubt everything. I try my hardest just to believe and let go of my doubts, but it is a struggle I deal with. I don't know if it's because I feel a certain way, and then I assume I don't believe at all. But the next day I might do some researching and something might help for the moment, but then it will go away. It makes it hard to determine my beliefs when I have so many doubts.

Although I haven't grown up in the Church of Christ, I have a friend who has talked to me about it. I know there are steps you have to take for salvation. One of those is repentance. For me, the problem comes in because I have a lot of doubts feeling like I don't know if I believe, trying so hard every day, researching all day long to try and find something that sparks that feeling, but it makes me wonder if I have real faith. Then, after a while of having all kinds of obsessive thoughts, I start feeling numb about the thoughts, like I don't care, and it makes me wonder how I am supposed to repent. I know the bible talks about having Godly sorrow in II Corinthians 7:10, and I feel like I don't know how to have that with sometimes feeling numb. I think it's from the OCD and thinking all the time. I sometimes struggle with seeing my sin. I don't know if it's because I spend all day thinking about the same things and expecting a different result.

This makes me feel bad when I say I don't know if I see my sin because I know we all sin. And since I know I sin, I don't want to be calling God a liar because I don't feel like I see my sin. I don't know if I am making this way harder than it needs to be. I went through a long time believing that my heart was so hard and that I would never be able to repent, but it seems it has a lot to do with OCD because I was going through a numb season.

It scares me because I know that people can get to the point where they don't see their sin, and it becomes unforgivable because they won't repent. Am I being too hard on myself? Am I not being hard enough on myself? I hope I am not too far gone to see what I did wrong. I have been told before that I am way too hard on myself. I also struggle with confessing my faith in Jesus because all the thoughts make me wonder what I believe and feel.

Then there is baptism, and that scares me. I haven't been baptized because I have always wondered if I believed I had enough faith and if I was doing it for the right reasons. I know I need to be baptized, but I worry that I don't have faith. Then that makes me concerned that I will never get baptized, and then I will commit the unforgivable sin because I never committed to Jesus. I don't know what to do. My parents tell me they know that I believe, but the thought of getting baptized makes me feel like a fraud like I was just "getting wet." Then I get thoughts like do I want this at all and I think that is an OCD thought.

I'm sorry this is so long. I wanted to express everything that has been in my heart for a long time. Please help me! I see other people have the faith I want, and I keep thinking, how come they make it look so easy? Why don't I have enough faith? Do you think I have any faith at all? Am I a lost cause? I am always uncertain, wondering if I believe at all, whether I believe enough, whether I believe what the Bible says, whether I trust in the resurrection, etc. And then I start getting thoughts like, am I an atheist? Then I start believing that what if I am, but then I think, no, you wouldn't worry about any of this. You wouldn't even be writing this email if you weren't concerned.

Another topic I want to bring up is the red heifer and the third temple. I have seen this discussed a lot here lately, and I couldn't find anything discussing these subjects. I see that people are saying that the red heifer is needed because Jews hate Jesus, so they need a sacrifice, and that the temple has to happen because of bible prophecy. What are your thoughts?

Finally, a topic I want to bring up is Romans 14:23. As I have mentioned, I deal with many doubts. So how can I know whether something is wrong or a sin if I doubt a lot? Do the things I like, like skincare and beauty, fall under what this verse says? Because I wonder to myself if it is wrong. Then I wonder if it's not a legalistic mindset and if I am being hard on myself. I hope there is nothing wrong with this stuff because I have considered making a career out of doing something beauty-related. Can you help me understand what this verse refers to so I don't keep thinking all my doubts fall under this verse?

Again, I am sorry for how long this email is. I just had so much to say. Please be gentle with me. It took me a lot of time to write this, and I'm scared of your response.

Thanks for your time.

Answer:

A core problem is that you are basing your conviction on feelings. Faith is not a feeling. See:

Regarding the temple and red heifers, people ignore what the Bible states and chase after their fantasies (see the material above about feelings). The temple was destroyed, just as God had predicted. There is no prophecy of its restoration because Judaism came to a close. See:

By the way, the temple destroyed at the fall of Jerusalem was the third temple. See:

Regarding Romans 14:23, see:

Question:

Thank you for your response. It's still hard to know that it is my feelings when thoughts seem so real. Because, like I told you, I wonder if I believe in the Bible. I read that article you gave me, and that person said they believed in the Bible. That scares me. It makes me wonder if I am agnostic or atheist. Based on what I have said, do you think I am an atheist? I hope you tell me I'm not. All of this gives me severe anxiety because I want it so bad. But then I wonder what I believe. I know I shouldn't ruminate on these thoughts, and through my research on OCD, I know you are supposed to disregard them. But it makes it hard, especially with this subject and my faith. It doesn't make sense because I get discouraged when I see people have the faith I want and try to have. But then I get all kinds of conflicting thoughts. I'm just so uncertain.

Plus, I still struggle with repentance and baptism. Is repentance a feeling? Are you supposed to feel bad? What if you don't? What if you feel like you don't see your sin? I feel numb a lot because of having OCD and constantly thinking about something. Does that mean that I don't feel anything about my sins? For instance, I John 1:8 says that if you say you have not sinned, the truth isn't in you. Well, I don't know if it's because of constantly being in my head that I feel I have become numb to my sin or that I just don't see it.

I know I have much of this in my previous email; I just didn't see you address my points about repentance or baptism. So, I put it down here again. And what about baptism? Should I just get baptized despite my feelings of doubt? For me, the problem comes in because I have a lot of doubts, feeling like I don't know if I believe, trying so hard every day, researching all day long to try and find something that sparks that feeling, but it makes me wonder if I have genuine faith. Then, after a while of having all kinds of obsessive thoughts, I start feeling numb about the thoughts, like I don't care, and it makes me wonder how I am supposed to repent. I know the Bible talks about having Godly sorrow in II Corinthians 7:10, and I feel like I don't know how to have that, and I sometimes feel numb. I think it's from the OCD and thinking all the time.

I sometimes struggle with seeing my sin. I don't know if it's because I spend all day thinking about the same things and expecting a different result. This makes me feel bad when I say I don't know if I see my sin because I know we all sin. And since I know I sin, I don't want to be calling God a liar because I don't feel like I see my sin. I don't know if I am making this way harder than it needs to be. I went through a long time believing that my heart was so hard and that I would never be able to repent, but it seems it has a lot to do with OCD because I was going through a numb season. It scares me because I know that people can get to the point where they don't see their sin, and it becomes unforgivable because they won't repent.

Am I being too hard on myself? Am I not being hard enough on myself? I hope I am not too far gone to see what I did wrong. I have been told before that I am way too hard on myself. I also struggle with confessing my faith in Jesus because all the thoughts make me wonder what I believe and feel.

Then there is baptism, and that scares me. I haven't been baptized because I have always wondered if I believed I had enough faith and if I was doing it for the right reasons. I know in my heart that I need to be baptized, but I worry I don't have faith. Then that makes me concerned that I will never get baptized, and then I will commit the unforgivable sin because I never committed to Jesus. I don't know what to do. My parents tell me they know that I believe, but the thought of getting baptized makes me feel like a fraud like I was just "getting wet." Then I get thoughts like do I want this at all and I think that is an OCD thought.

I'm sorry this is so long. I wanted to express everything that has been in my heart for a long time. Please help me! I see other people have the faith I want, and I keep thinking, how come they make it look so easy? Why don't I have enough faith? Do you think I have any faith at all? Am I a lost cause? I have uncertainty all the time, wondering if I believe at all, whether I believe enough, whether I believe what the bible says, whether I trust in the resurrection, etc. And then I start getting thoughts like, am I an atheist? Then I start believing that what if I am, but then I think, no, you wouldn't worry about any of this. You wouldn't even be writing this email if you weren't concerned.

Thanks for your time.

Answer:

Atheist means you do not believe in any God. That is not you. Agnostic means you don't think there is any evidence of a God. Again, that doesn't describe you.

It remains that you trust your wavering feelings more than what God says in the Bible. Faith simply means you trust what God said. It is not a feeling; it is how you live your life.

Repentance can be motivated by sorrow, but repentance is not a feeling. It is the decision to change your life. See:

Regarding I John 1:8, this is about someone who thinks they have not committed sin. I don't think this applies to you.

In regards to baptism, you do have to be baptized. That baptism is based on trusting Jesus and the Father (that you have faith). It is also based on your repentance, which means you admit that you've sinned and are now committed to not sinning. Whether a person is baptized or not is not measured in the amount of faith you have but whether you are willing to submit to the command of Jesus. See:

Question:

Thank you so much for your email. It means a lot to me that you say I am neither agnostic nor atheist. I try hard to believe that. What you said means a lot to me. It still worries me that I am and that I explained my thoughts wrong. I don't want to be.

A question I have is about repentance. You said repentance is a decision to change your life. It can be motivated by sorrow, but it is not a feeling. So does that mean you are doing it wrong if you don't feel anything? What if you don't know what you should repent of?

I don't want to commit the unforgivable sin. What exactly is the unforgivable sin? Because I have had bad thoughts about God and wondered if I have believed it. Does it mean if you struggle with doubt? Or is it when you don't repent? Do you always know what you should repent of? What if there was something you didn't realize you should repent of? Is struggling to believe unforgivable? Would my form of repentance be being baptized because I haven't done that because of worrying? I was just going through the motions, so to speak.

Thank you for being so encouraging with your responses.

Thanks for your time.

Answer:

One of the things that makes it difficult to answer you is that your worries cause you to ignore what I point out. It isn't that your questions were not answered. It is that you don't accept the answers given.

"For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter" (II Corinthians 7:10-11).

Either you know you have sinned, or you don't believe you've done anything wrong. What I've noticed in your notes is that you expect to feel bad, but you are not convicted of doing anything particularly wrong. You know, in theory, that everyone sins, but you don't recognize that sin in you. Until you reach the point that you can name the things that you've done wrong, you have not learned enough and are not ready to be baptized.

I answered the question about the unforgivable sin in the article Are You Unforgivable? Your repeated questions tell me that you either did not read it or it didn't register with you because it isn't what you want to hear. Your questions about doubt were answered in Does faith mean you never doubt?

Question:

I'm so sorry for all my replies. I don't mean to bother you. You are the only preacher that I have seen who is a member of the church of Christ and also addresses all of these issues, especially concerning OCD. I don't mean to be a bother. I appreciate your guidance. I guess the whole repentance topic is confusing to me. I have read all the articles you have sent, but I am still having a hard time. I don't want you to think that I keep asking questions because it's not what I want to hear. It is because I wonder "What if I'm not convicted? How do I know I ever will be?" In one of my emails, I worried that maybe I was just like the verse in I John 1:8, and then you told me that you didn't think that was me. Then, in your most recent email, you told me that,

"Either you know you have sinned, or you don't believe you've done anything wrong. What I've noticed in your notes is that you expect to feel bad, but you are not convicted of doing anything particularly wrong. You know, in theory, that everyone sins, but you don't recognize that sin in you. Until you reach the point that you can name the things that you've done wrong, you have not learned enough and are not ready to be baptized."

So I guess my question is how do you become convicted of your sins? If it is the case that I might not be convicted. How do I fix that? I don't want to become to far gone to see my sins.

I don't understand because in my first email to you, I said that I was worried because I thought I might be numb to sin, and I referenced II Corinthians 7:10-11.

This is an excerpt from my first email:

"For me, the problem comes in because I have a lot of doubts, feeling like I don't know if I believe, trying so hard every day, researching all day long to try and find something that sparks that feeling, but it makes me wonder if I have real faith. Then, after a while of having all kinds of obsessive thoughts, I start feeling numb about the thoughts, like I don't care, and it makes me wonder how I am supposed to repent. I know the Bible talks about having godly sorrow in II Corinthians 7:10, and I feel like I don't know how to have that with sometimes feeling numb. I think it's from the OCD and thinking all the time. I sometimes struggle with seeing my sin. I don't know if it's because I spend all day thinking about the same things and expecting a different result. This makes me feel bad when I say that I don't know if I see my sin because I know we all sin. And since I know I sin I don't won't to be calling God a liar because I don't feel like I see my sin."

So what am I supposed to do? Do I just keep waiting and hope that I see things differently?

I try incredibly hard, but it doesn't seem like I am doing things right. I don't know what to do. I'm completely discouraged because I don't know where to go. The idea of not being convicted of my sin scares me. Please give me advice on what I am supposed to do. I feel sick to my stomach, I thought I was getting closer to being baptized. Again, sorry to be replying so many times.

Thanks for your time,

Answer:

I don't mind extended conversations when progress is made, but you have remained on the same points. Even though your questions have been answered, you return to them. Like many people with OCD, you use vagueness to cycle. You talk about not understanding repentance but never mention the sins you struggle with. This left me with the impression that you are trying to force yourself into sorrow, and at the same time, you have nothing you feel sorrowful about. That is why I mentioned that you are not convicted that you have sinned. If you were, then there would be specific sins that you would be talking about as having difficulty overcoming. Or specific sins that you know you did, which you want God to forgive you for committing. Repentance is about leaving sin. Thus, you first have to know what sins you have committed so that you can stop committing them.

Repeatedly asking the same questions will not give you different answers. Instead of wallowing in generalities, express yourself in specific terms.

Question:

Hello Mr. Hamilton,

I have had some time to think your email over, and what has occurred to me is that I worry about everything. You say you want me to express myself in specific terms. Well, this is me trying to do that. I may have misspoke previously. I know from continuously searching for my sin and trying to feel a certain way, I became even more anxious; I have racing thoughts, panic attacks, etc. I should explain a little more. I spend all day worrying and expecting something to change from thinking and worrying all day.

To explain further, I don't have any hobbies or a job. I don't do anything but spend my life worrying. Then, if I would live life, I felt guilty for doing so, thinking I was supposed to have things figured out (ex., figure out all my sins and have the anxiety gone, etc.) I don't know if I am reluctant to change things, thinking that that is repenting, and if it is, I don't have godly sorrow. I have a very messed up view of things. I guess for a long time, I have internally told myself you can't do anything until you get this OCD thought under control, not realizing I was fueling the fire. I don't know if I think about this all day long my perspective will change. Over the last few days, I have been very conscientiously trying to stop worrying because it was negatively affecting my life. However, I didn't realize that things would come much more naturally if I stopped focusing so much. I have been putting so much pressure on myself to react a certain way, and if I didn't, I would get all upset and freak out. I say all this in case anyone else reading this is in a similar circumstance having so much anxiety. Take a step back, stop worrying, and things will come to you.

You say that I don't talk about specific sins. Well, yes, I have said this in various other emails that I struggle for conviction. So, for you to want me to be specific is quite hard, even though I do list some things later on, even though I may not feel the weight of conviction. I have been trying to tell you that I struggle with conviction. What are you supposed to if you don't feel convicted? Which causes severe anxiety that I later talk about. I have tried to be nothing but open with you about everything I have talked to you about.

It's a hard place to be when you constantly have anxiety, thinking, do I have a seared conscience? Do I have a hard heart? Do I have Godly sorrow?  And then listing off all these verses like

"So is the way of an adulterous woman: she eats and wipes her mouth, and says, 'I have done nothing wrong'" (Proverbs 30:20).

"These people are hypocrites and liars, and their consciences are dead" (I Timothy 4:2).

"Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance? But after thy hardness and impenitent heart treasurest up unto thyself wrath against the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God" (Romans 2:4-5).

We want things to happen immediately; when they don't, we wonder what is wrong with us. I spend more time in my head than in the real world. Since I have had anxiety for such a long time, I have to be patient with myself, knowing that I can't push myself or I am just going to spiral all over again.

For instance, I said I didn't see my sin. I feel I didn't because I have focused on it so much. Anxiety has become my personality for such a long time, so much so that I worry about everything. Sometimes I worry about worrying. The other day, I realized I said something untrue and felt so bad about it. I had asked God to forgive me. Had I not been so consumed with the thought of do I sin, do I feel bad etc. and been in the moment I may have not seen it.

I don't know if all of this is a result of depersonalization, Meta OCD (obsessing about obsessing), and numbness of constantly worrying.

My goal is to keep at it, and sooner or later, I will see all the sins. I hope what I am saying makes sense.

One of the things that causes intense anxiety is when I start thinking about baptism. I need to do that. Then I think, but what if you don't know your sin? Then I think, what if I never figure it out? Then I start having racing thoughts, and then I might get a panic attack. That's why sometimes I don't even think about it; I don't want the cycle to start. Knowing I shouldn't put it off also causes anxiety, but how do you go through with it if you don't feel convicted? Plus, I still struggle with doubting Jesus. I know it's not supposed to be this way. I am working hard, but I often find myself avoiding these thoughts.

I know I sin, but sometimes I still get in the mindset that I can't see it because of all the anxiety and symptoms related to the anxiety. Or if I don't think my sin is that bad, I don't think it is a big deal.

For instance, I just previously told you I lied, I have gossiped and cheated in school before, I struggle with obeying my parents, I say things under my breath, I have lusted, I stole some stuff when I was a kid, and sometimes I think horoscopes aren't that bad, etc. Recently, because I haven't done anything that most people do, it makes me feel like I don't want to do those things (drinking, partying, clubs). It gives this sense that everything will be dull once you become a Christian. I have sinned in other ways I am sure, but these are ones that I could think of. Is liking skincare a sin? I was interested in treating my acne scars, but I don't know if that is a sin. So I do know that I do sin, but I am working on the feelings that I feel I'm supposed to feel according to II Corinthians 7:10, which may take some time. I struggle with thinking if I work on changing these things, that is not true repentance because I don't have adequate feelings. Maybe it would just be worldly sorrow instead of godly sorrow.

Sometimes, I feel so consumed by whether something is a sin that it starts to negatively impact my life. I start to analyze every little thing.

For instance, I said I like skincare. I watch all kinds of skincare content, research, and love to buy skincare products. I hope that it isn't an idol or vain. I had the thought before that, even if it was, I still wanted to do it. It makes me feel like you can't enjoy things once you become a Christian. I have wanted to get my teeth fixed and pierced my ears, but I don't know if these things are wrong. Maybe that's also why I can't see sin; it all becomes confusing.

I don't know if, during all of my anxiety, I have become apathetic toward God. I don't know.

One thing I do struggle with is my OCD thoughts, feelings, urges, and sensations. I struggle with or have struggled with all the possible themes. It isn't very comfortable, but I have a question for you. A few of the themes I have dealt with are Harm OCD, HOCD, Incest OCD, POCD, etc. These thoughts make it feel so real, and they make it seem authentic. Sometimes, it can provoke the thought that you like the thoughts, which is common with OCD. Are these thoughts a sin? What if I get groinal responses that go along with it? I can get these thoughts just by watching TV or in everyday life. Do I just ignore them? This is scary because it's such a taboo subject to talk about. It becomes so confusing because it's often associated with disgust and guilt, but you can also be numb to the thoughts, feel like you like the thoughts, etc. So, it is hard to determine what to make of it. Sometimes, I get intense, harmful thoughts that make me feel as though I want to be mean. I don't know if that is OCD or not because the urges and desires OCD can bring. I have been scared that the thoughts make me wonder if I am homosexual, and that scares me. I don't want to be that. I don't think I am, but it is all so confusing. I know people that test their thoughts to see if they feel that way through masturbation. I don't know if I have fallen into that trap. It is hard to distinguish OCD, urge, sensation, and feeling from what is true. Do you believe that anything can be overcome? I am dealing with guilt that I am a bad person. I have seen videos of this often discussed about the subsets of OCD. Are these sins of the thoughts since sometimes OCD can make you feel like you want to do something wrong? Since I know sinful desire is a sin, it can also be confused with OCD with all the feelings associated. This topic is challenging to talk about. There is such a stigma and taboo around the whole thing. I wish it could be talked about more openly so people don't have to be ashamed and feel like nobody is in their corner to help them. Please be gentle with me. I would appreciate your encouragement! I have greatly opened up to you, and I would appreciate your sensitivity.

This was taken from an email I was going to send, but I just attached it above. It has been a month or so since I wrote that, so I say I felt bad when I wrote it, but now I am unsure. I felt bad a couple of weeks ago, but now I am not sure if I do. Is it even a sin?

I have also been dealing with the thought that I don't need Jesus. I don't know if this is just a thought or what because I do need him, as do we all.

I reread your article about repentance, and it seems confusing because of all the things it's not. How would you even know you are doing it right?

You said you wanted me to be more specific about what I don't understand about repentance. So, do you have to figure out all your sins immediately, or is this a lifelong process of seeing sin and repenting? It has been stressful trying to search my brain for everything I have ever done wrong.

I also have the concern that there is something in my life that I don't see, but God does see, and that is a sin. I don't want something to be unforgivable because I didn't ask for forgiveness. It worries me that on Judgment Day, I will be judged for my sin, and I am not seeing it at all or numb to it right now.

I am really tired of feeling like I have lived a long time worrying about everything and not living life. It makes me wonder if I want to be a Christian. I think I do, but I am tired of not living.

I have really taken the time to ponder what you had to say, and I hope everything I am saying makes sense. I have tried my best not to keep speaking vaguely and repeating myself. I hope by giving background, you can understand what I am saying. Please be compassionate towards me!

Thanks for your time,

Answer:

In answer to talking about a specific sin, you mentioned "conviction."  Conviction is a firmly held belief.  It is not a feeling. It is the things that you are convinced are true. I gather that you expect being convicted to feel a certain (undefined) way. And since you don't feel something you can call "conviction," you conclude that you have no convictions.

I am convinced that the sky is blue and the grass is green. How I feel at the moment doesn't make my convictions stronger or weaker. My conviction is my acceptance of the evidence. Whether you are convicted is to ask whether you accept that your sins are wrong. You tell me that you have lied, gossiped, stole, and did other things as a child. You understand that those things are wrong and that you are guilty of doing those things. Thus, you have been convicted by the Holy Spirit's teaching that you have sinned. The conviction should also lead you to want to change your behavior. Since you told me that you used to do these things, then you have changed, which is what "repentance" means.

Your desire to feel something as sinful has led you to start labeling mundane things, like taking care of your skin, as a possible sin. Thus, you have left looking at the Holy Spirit's teachings (the Bible) and replaced them with worries. That isn't a conviction. There is no evidence.

Strongly desiring to sin is wrong, but you aren't involved in that. You aren't looking for excuses to sin. Instead, you worry that you might have a desire for something wrong. That is merely being tempted to lust. Being tempted is not a sin. Even Jesus was tempted. He was without sin because he did act on the temptation.

I would like you to notice that there isn't some act that you have concluded you are doing wrong. That is why I asked you to name something specific, knowing that you would likely not be able to name one. You badly want to condemn yourself so you can try to feel sorrow because you have mistakenly decided that feeling sorrow is necessary before becoming a Christian.

I can't make you leave your anxiety. I can only point out that you are the source of your difficulties, and only you can decide to leave it behind.