How can I convince my husband that marriage is not about sex?
Question:
Hello, and God bless!
My question is a hard question, but I desperately need an answer. I'm a Christian and so is my husband. I have the most wonderful husband ever. He does so much for me and has sacrificed so much for me. He even sold or gave away everything he owned and moved far away from his friends and family just to marry me and be with me. He pretty much does everything for me. He does the laundry for me because it's inconvenient. He does the cooking for me because I don't know how to cook. He does all of the dishes because I don't like to do them. He cleans the house because I don't mind it being messy. He's so wonderful and godly.
However, we now have a big problem. We've been married for over five years. My hubby is mad at me because I have not slept with him for most of that time. We had sex our first week of marriage, but never since then. It's nothing against him, but I just don't want to have sex with him. I keep trying to explain to him that marriage is about love, dedication, sacrifice, and being there for one another. It's not all about sex. I told him that if he really loves Jesus, he would be more understanding of me.
Besides, it doesn't matter if I want to have sex or not, because he acts like he is no longer attracted to me. He claims that I've let myself go. He is angry that I don't shave my legs or armpits. He's upset that I don't wear perfume or put moisturizer on my skin. When he tells me to do things to try and be pretty or sexy, I know he's wrong. I told him that those things are a waste of time and a waste of money. I'm trying to be a godly woman and he just can't see it. It's godlier to abstain from vain and fruitless things. Wasting so much time on beauty products or shaving my legs is crazy when I can spend it doing things that really matter.
So now, after these years of him being frustrated with me for not sleeping with him, he told me that our pastor has advised him to divorce me and that our marriage isn't legitimate. I don't believe that! Our pastor and church are very conservative. The pastor is strongly against divorce, so I can't see that he would tell my husband that. My husband said that the pastor thinks I need to have sex with him. Typical men! If I were a "worldly" woman, I'd be fine wasting my time shaving my legs or wasting my money on perfume. I'm doing the better thing. I'm choosing a more spiritual path.
I'm wondering if you have any advice for my husband? How can I make him see that he cares so much about trivial things? How can I show him that we don't have to have sex to have a good marriage? I do have to commend him, lately, he told me that he's struggling with lust more than he ever has and he got married so that he wouldn't sin against God. But now, he said he's tempted by other women and afraid that he might sleep with them. I told him this is just evidence of how strong he is. For him to resist other women for years now and for him to never look at porn either is a miracle. He disagrees. He says he wants to do things and that he's getting weaker. I know he's strong. I know he'll be faithful to me. I don't doubt him in any way. My only concern is that he mentioned divorce and that he thinks I'm supposed to sleep with him. I really wish he would be more godly in this area of his life.
Thank you! I look forward to your reply. God bless!
Answer:
"Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" (I Corinthians 7:2-5).
You won't like this note because you are in the wrong and have been violating one of God's commands. Though there is far more to marriage than sex, marriage is the one place where sex is to take place and you are denying your husband what he needs. In addition, you are placing temptation constantly before him, which also is not loving (I Corinthians 13:6).
This isn't about what you want, that is a selfish view of marriage. You are both there to help each other. All through your note, I see a woman who isn't interested in being a wife and a man who is trying to be both a husband and take on his wife's duties.
This isn't about his love for Jesus, it is about your lack of love for both Christ and him. Even the basic idea of putting the needs of others ahead of your own is being violated: "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4).
If you think your husband got incorrect information from the preacher, why don't you ask the preacher directly?
Yes, your marriage is legitimate. No, you are failing in your duties as a wife and a Christian. These aren't reasons for divorce, but I can understand your husband's frustration.
Repeatedly you claim you are doing the "better" thing? Yet, I can't help noticing that you never mention anything that you are actually doing. What is better than obeying Christ and loving your husband. As it is, you are bringing reproach on the idea of Christianity. "That they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed" (Titus 2:4-5).
If your marriage fails, it is solely due to you.
