Does this mean that if you have sex before you’re married it’s a sin?


I accidentally discovered your site and found some interesting topics and I came across the topic of pregnancy. My question is is there a right time where you can conceive? Because my girlfriend and I have tried three or four times but she never got pregnant. We want to have a child. I've seen many people who don't want babies and have one by accident. It frustrates me because we actually want one and planned on it but she doesn't get pregnant. Is there something wrong with me or her?

She told me that when she was little she had an operation as a result of an ear infection and was told the medication might make her sterile. Is this possible? I hope not because I actually want kids my whole life since I was a teenager and I love her more than anything. Also, she said because of the surgery her period isn't regular which is true. I've seen her go months without a period.

And one last question I also read this "God created sexual intercourse to cause a woman to conceive a child. This is one reason why He stated that sex should only be done by married couples. When you are married, it is a wonderful and marvelous gift; but when you are unmarried, it is a source of grief." Does this mean if you have sex before you're married it's a sin? My girlfriend is the only girl I ever had sex with and we were together for over four years. We were in love when that happened. We've been broken up for a year now and I still love her deeply. Even though we weren't together for that period of time I was still faithful to her. I have all the faith in the world that I will marry this girl. She was meant for me. Was it wrong for us to have sex even though we weren't married but we were in love? It's really rare in this day in age to find a person that didn't have premarital sex and multiple sex partners before marriage. Even kids (sad to say) have sex before they can learn to drive. Even though I wasn't raised a Christian or Catholic, I still believe and pray to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank you for your time and God bless.


Once in awhile, I receive a question that causes me to wish you and I were sitting down together for a long talk because there are so many things we need to address. I'll try to cover as many as I can without making this reply impossibly long. To save some space, I'm going to give you links to more material to read. I hope you will take the time to look it over. More, I hope you will take your Bible and look up the verses that are cited to see for yourself that this is what God wants of you.

God gave us the Bible because we need guidance. Men don't live all that long. I know 70 or 80 sounds like a long time, but think of it another way and you've already spent a third of your life when you were in your mid-twenties. People forget things from generation to generation. People try to fix things that are not broken and then wonder why it breaks. God's laws are there to tell us what works and want doesn't work. "And the LORD commanded us to observe all these statutes, to fear the LORD our God, for our good always, that He might preserve us alive, as it is this day" (Deuteronomy 6:24). It is when we ignore or change God's laws that things get messed up.

It's like your mom telling you not to touch the hot pot on the stove because you'll get burnt. She isn't making your life miserable by keeping from doing anything you want. She is warning you that some choices have bad consequences. And that is what the Bible does for us.

I want you to read two articles because it will explain in detail that you're going about life backward and because of that you are setting yourself and your girlfriend up for harm. Please read "Marriage's Glue" and "Why Sex Outside of Marriage is Wrong" before going further because I'm going to assume you understand the warnings there and I will next apply them to your situation.

You are anxious to raise children, but you are trying to do this in an unstable relationship. While you are sure that you will eventually marry this girl, you also said you had broken up for a year. It is that type of instability that harms a child growing up. When couples through sex into an unstable relationship, it also harms them in a more subtle way because it causes damage to their ability to make and keep commitments.

If you love her this much and you want her to be the mother of your children, then why don't you marry her? I can almost guarantee that every answer you give will either be a lame excuse (i.e. getting married won't change the issue or make it worse) or it will be a solid reason why you should not be making children when you are not married.

Let's look at each of your justifications:

This is the only girl I ever had sex with. Let me change the sin involved and see if still sounds like a good reason. "This is the only store I ever stole from." Because sin is done only in one way or with only one person, does that make it not a sin? Or isn't it true that things are sins because of the nature of the action and not the situation in which it is done?

We've been together for four years. As before, the length of time something is done wrong doesn't then make it right. Besides, you mention that you were apart for one year, so if this is an attempt at proving there is stability in the relationship, it doesn't succeed.

We were in love when that happened. I assume "that" refers to the first time you had sex. Yet your love and your sex didn't prevent a one year break up. What I would contend is that you and your girlfriend were passionate about each other, but passion is not the same as love. I would like you to read through the article "Love is ..." On a piece of paper, I would like you to jot down for each point whether each point accurately describes your relationship or whether you see room for improvement. If it accurately describes your relationship, then why are you dragging your feet about getting married?

I will marry this girl. I hope you do, but at the moment you are not. And the problem is this statement can only be true if you fully control the world. "Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit"; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that." But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil" (James 4:13-16). Let's just take one aspect of this. If you had gotten her pregnant and tomorrow got hit by a bus, your girlfriend would be left with a baby and no financial support. If you were married and your wife was pregnant and you got hit by a bus, she would at least inherit the little funds that you have to help her with the child. It is a minor point, but it is one of several.

It is rare to find someone who hasn't had pre-marital sex. Actually I personally know of hundreds of teens and young adults who have not had sex and are waiting for marriage. But essentially the argument is that since a large number of people are committing my sin, therefore I can sin too. You're going to run into this when you start raising kids. "Everyone else has a Widget-XR4!" Is supposed to make you open up your wallet. If you are a smart parent your answer is, "I doubt that very much, but even if it were true, what difference does that make?" The problem is the fact that the majority are in sin and heading to hell doesn't make sin acceptable. "Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it" (Matthew 7:13-14). So do we follow the majority into destruction?

You even know it is wrong! You said it was sad that kids are having sex before they can drive. Just because you are older doesn't mean you are now excused to sin. If it is wrong for a teen to have sex before marriage, the consistency demands that it is also wrong for adults for every reason that you give the teen.

Finally, you state you are a believer. I'm glad of that, but belief alone is not enough. "But someone will say, "You have faith, and I have works." Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe--and tremble! But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?" (James 2:18-20). You call Jesus your Lord, that is your ruler. How can that be since you are not obeying him? "Jesus answered and said to him, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. He who does not love Me does not keep My words"" (John 14:23-24).

You need to make your actions match what you claim. Put your body where your mouth is.

I know I haven't answered your question about pregnancy, but this issue is too important and the answer to your question can wait a while.

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