Do I need to tell my fiancée that I’ve been having sex with other women during our engagement?
Question:
I have been into several relationships in the past, but none is as great as the one I am currently in. The problem is that I have not been able to maintain sexual purity for the past several years after I became sexually active. Currently, I am nearly 30 years old. I plan on getting married in a few months to this woman I love so much, but the problem is that I haven't stopped seeing the other ladies I have been with. The reason is that I told myself that I can only be faithful to one woman from my wedding day -- based on past experience and now my appetite for sex. This, I suspect, has been the major reason why I am in this current situation. The lady I hope to marry is largely unaware of this, and I fear telling her, unsure of what her actions and decision would be. I really do love her and many times wish I have met her a lot earlier -- before I sowed my wild oats. The urge to have sex is so strong with my partner, but she always turns me down. This hurts me a lot, but I do not want to force it on her. She is a better Christian than I have been so far. So I would call my ready partner to come over and we have sex, and after that, I am fine for another week or so.
My questions now are as followings:
- How can I stop this evil that I am involved in?
- How can I start a new beginning for myself?
- What do I need to do to stop it totally?
- How do I proceed with the wedding plan with this great woman I love, or do I cancel it as we have less than a year to the tentative date?
I really do need help.
Answer:
Yes, you do need help. I don't think you appreciate the position you are in. "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You think of yourself as a Christian, but you are not behaving like one at all.
You are approaching this from a selfish viewpoint. You justify the sex because you desire it. You tell yourself that it isn't that bad because you believe you will stop after you get married. But if you can't honor God's laws now, what makes you think that you will honor God and your wife after marriage?
Worse, you are partly blaming your fiancée for your sin. You essentially stated that if she had just allowed you to commit fornication with her, there would have been no need to commit fornication with other women. However, it is still fornication! She is right to turn you down, but the fact that you have been asking for sex without marriage should have been a warning to her that you are not the man you pretend to be.
It doesn't matter how badly you want sex, committing fornication has no excuse. "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it" (I Corinthians 10:13). You managed to live without sex from puberty until a few years ago. There is no reason you could not have gone back to what you did before to relieve your sexual desires. But as Paul stated, "But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (I Corinthians 7:9). You could have just moved up the wedding date.
Since you have been continually unfaithful during your engagement, I would insist that you talk to your fiancée and offer her the option to cancel the wedding -- it should be her choice. But at the same time, you need to immediately stop your sin. No one will make you keep your pants on. It has to be your choice and what happens is your responsibility. "The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father's iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son's iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself" (Ezekiel 18:20). Christianity is not something you play at. It is a serious lifetime commitment to God. "Jesus said to him,"'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment" " (Matthew 22:37-38).
