Do I need to break up with my boyfriend?


Good day,

I am writing to seek advice concerning my relationship with my boyfriend. We met two years ago and started as friends. We grew closer but made the decision not to take things further because he had the intention to relocate to the country. Unfortunately, we started having sexual relations without a label on our relationship. Then he got back with his girlfriend. This situation caused a major problem between us, and even though we struggled, we decided to remain friends.

While he was with someone else, I had a strong conviction that he’d be denied his visa, and he was. I also believed we were meant to be together, but one day, in the shower, while pondering on our chances of being together again since he was with his ex-girlfriend, I had a thought saying, “He is not your husband.” I had this in my mind for months until he broke things off with his girlfriend with the explanation that something didn’t feel right in the relationship. (I also predicted that it would happen.)

Later on, we rekindled our relationship and started dating officially. However, I still had this taunting thought about the relationship. The voices would be very loud in my head, and when I said little prayers, I would get peace from another voice that would say, “Put me at the center of your relationship.” I spoke to my boyfriend about this, and he agreed to stop having sexual relations with me. We even spoke about our mutual plan to pursue God individually and as a couple. We had a Bible study together, but things got too busy again, and the taunting voices started.

I began to find excuses to call off the relationship, e.g., resentment and high expectations; I even started hating his physical appearance. To cut a long story short, we had a misunderstanding once, and he asked for space, which I obliged even though I have an anxious attachment style. The next day I went to church and I said a short prayer to God begging him to put it in his heart to break up if he wasn’t for me. That same night, he texted, saying he had overreacted, and we both apologized to each other and moved forward.

Recently, we had another misunderstanding, which caused him to break up with me because he was scared he’d hurt my feelings when he left the country. He doesn’t think he’d make me happy if we committed to a long-distance relationship. I tried to convince him, but I finally let go and asked if we could see each other. When we met, we spoke about it, cried together, and decided to get back together to work toward it and put God first.

Right after that, the taunting voice came back again. I am having panic attacks constantly because I think our relationship will not work out, and neither does God approve of it. Spiritually I am more grounded and I have been helping my boyfriend through his faith, but I cannot still get these thoughts out of my head. We both love each other very much, and we have the same mindsets and goals. Everything is easier and happier when we are together. I admit that there was lust in our relationship, and this is something I have taken a 21-day fast from the relationship to address. I read my Bible to understand what God is saying, but I have so many conflicting thoughts. The most comforting one says, “Fix my eyes on me,” I have also had conflicting dreams. I have prayed to God to intervene once the fast ends. I told Him to put it in my boyfriend’s heart to break up with me once I reach out after the fast, and if it is His will, he should send me an epistle telling me how much he loves me.

I’d also like to add that this anxious feeling has clouded my mind and thoughts, and everything is pointing to me leaving him. I want to strongly believe that God doesn’t bring fear and panic attacks, but I keep stumbling on many videos that imply such.

Please advise me.


I found numerous in your story that make it difficult for me to know how to answer best.

  • You started having sex with a guy who you just casually knew as a friend.
  • He went back to his prior girlfriend, but you remained friends, and you left the impression that the fornication continued between you and him.
  • You have convinced yourself that you are being led or being able to predict future events, yet it cannot be from God because you aren't living a godly life.
  • You try to insert some "religion" into this, but it sounds more like window-dressing.
  • You've behaved badly in the relationship and yet want him to stay.
  • You've been having numerous fights.
  • You see the relationship souring, so you think that staying away from him for three weeks will work out the problems.
  • You won't take responsibility for your sins or your bad behavior. Instead, you want God to cause a breakup.
  • I'm not certain if you are telling God to send you a letter or your boyfriend to send you a letter to convince you to stay with him.
  • You are having panic attacks and fear that God is causing them.

What I see is a woman who can't make up her mind and who allows her emotions and impulses to control her decisions.

Fornication is wrong (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You seem to know this, but you allow yourself to be talked into having sex. I don't see you taking personal responsibility for your sins; instead, you want to make the guy responsible. I didn't see anything in your letter that indicates your boyfriend thinks having sex with a willing girl is wrong.

You are clearly unsure if you want to have this man as a husband. When things seem to go well, you do things to drive him off. When he leaves, you chase after him to win him back. Again, you don't take responsibility for your actions. You give no indication that you will improve. Instead, you pray that God will take responsibility.

You are basically causing all these problems in your life, just as he is causing numerous problems in his own life. You're anxious because you are avoiding making decisions, and that is making your life feel chaotic.

The first choice you have to make is whether you will live by God's commands or not. So far, you've called Jesus "Lord," but you don't follow his rules (Luke 6:46). Without obedience, you have no foundation (Luke 6:46-49). This also means you must stop looking for voices in your head to tell you what to do. Instead, open your Bible and learn what you must do. "All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work" (II Timothy 3:16-17). Once you become a real Christian, then the other choices become easier. You can decide whether this man is an honest Christian who will improve your life or pull you away from the Lord.

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