Do I need to break up with my boyfriend?

Question:

Good day,

I am writing to seek advice concerning my relationship with my boyfriend. We met two years ago and started as friends. We grew closer but made the decision not to take things further because he had the intention to relocate to the country. Unfortunately, we started having sexual relations without a label on our relationship. Then he got back with his girlfriend. This situation caused a major problem between us, and even though we struggled, we decided to remain friends.

While he was with someone else, I had a strong conviction that he’d be denied his visa, and he was. I also believed we were meant to be together, but one day, in the shower, while pondering on our chances of being together again since he was with his ex-girlfriend, I had a thought saying, “He is not your husband.” I had this in my mind for months until he broke things off with his girlfriend with the explanation that something didn’t feel right in the relationship. (I also predicted that it would happen.)

Later on, we rekindled our relationship and started dating officially. However, I still had this taunting thought about the relationship. The voices would be very loud in my head, and when I said little prayers, I would get peace from another voice that would say, “Put me at the center of your relationship.” I spoke to my boyfriend about this, and he agreed to stop having sexual relations with me. We even spoke about our mutual plan to pursue God individually and as a couple. We had a Bible study together, but things got too busy again, and the taunting voices started.

I began to find excuses to call off the relationship, e.g., resentment and high expectations; I even started hating his physical appearance. To cut a long story short, we had a misunderstanding once, and he asked for space, which I obliged even though I have an anxious attachment style. The next day I went to church and I said a short prayer to God begging him to put it in his heart to break up if he wasn’t for me. That same night, he texted, saying he had overreacted, and we both apologized to each other and moved forward.

Recently, we had another misunderstanding, which caused him to break up with me because he was scared he’d hurt my feelings when he left the country. He doesn’t think he’d make me happy if we committed to a long-distance relationship. I tried to convince him, but I finally let go and asked if we could see each other. When we met, we spoke about it, cried together, and decided to get back together to work toward it and put God first.

Right after that, the taunting voice came back again. I am having panic attacks constantly because I think our relationship will not work out, and neither does God approve of it. Spiritually I am more grounded and I have been helping my boyfriend through his faith, but I cannot still get these thoughts out of my head. We both love each other very much, and we have the same mindsets and goals. Everything is easier and happier when we are together. I admit that there was lust in our relationship, and this is something I have taken a 21-day fast from the relationship to address. I read my Bible to understand what God is saying, but I have so many conflicting thoughts. The most comforting one says, “Fix my eyes on me,” I have also had conflicting dreams. I have prayed to God to intervene once the fast ends. I told Him to put it in my boyfriend’s heart to break up with me once I reach out after the fast, and if it is His will, he should send me an epistle telling me how much he loves me.

I’d also like to add that this anxious feeling has clouded my mind and thoughts, and everything is pointing to me leaving him. I want to strongly believe that God doesn’t bring fear and panic attacks, but I keep stumbling on many videos that imply such.

Please advise me.