Did I marry her?
Question:
Hello, pastor!
I'm in my early twenties. Since last year, I've had a doubt that eats away at me. I dated a girl (whom I believe to be a virgin) two years ago. As the relationship progressed, we started to misbehave. More specifically, I touched her breasts with my hands and mouth, as described in Ezekiel 23:3.
I realized that I was deviating from what was right and sought to end this relationship, but I never analyzed exactly the spiritual consequences.
In short, my doubt, and the reason for much torment in recent months, is that the intimate touches I gave may have consummated some spiritual connection between me and the girl. Therefore, I would be "married" to her, even without having gone through a public ceremony or completed a sexual relationship. The Bible says that men "went in" to the girls, and then they "became their wives." My leaders take this as a basis to say that I am free, that I am not connected because I had not practiced consummated sex. They say that since I did not "enter into her," as the Bible describes, alluding to penetrative sex, there is no spiritual bond of marriage possible between us. Despite this, I believe this is a lame excuse to lighten the weight of what I did. I touched a girl improperly in an intimate area. I made her feel dirty (in her own words).
Months ago, I sent her a message. I asked her for forgiveness, but this forgiveness is something that doesn't convince me that I'm free to go on with someone else.
Consequently, if we suppose that I am married because I touched her intimately but have ended the relationship, I am the equivalent of a divorced man who has not fulfilled his responsibilities. Therefore, if I meet and marry another girl, I will be entering into continual adultery in the presence of God.
Since then, I have gone through a strong depression, which I came out of thanks to treatment, prayer, and many people who love me helping me. But I honestly can't believe I'm free to get married. Everyone I consulted, priests, pastors, rabbis, my parents, and the elders of my church, told me that nothing was consummated or bound. But I'm afraid to believe that and end up in hell.
This subject has become a big blank sheet in my head, but I get very sad whenever I talk to a younger girl because this mistake comes to mind.
Thinking from your perspective and treating it with the greatest possible scriptural rigor, what verdict do you think is correct?
In time, this whole question stems from the meaning of marriage in God's view.
The basis for my doubt is that, as Paul quotes in I Corinthians 6:16, he who is joined to a
prostitute becomes one body with her for it is written, the two shall be one flesh (consummated sex). It generates a bond that refers to the marriage of Genesis (he leaves father and mother, joins the woman, and there will be two in one flesh).
Even though I haven't consummated with penetration, I fear that the touch on the breasts will have caused the same effect of "one flesh" described in the verses quoted.
Answer:
You have built elaborate claims that do not rest on a proper foundation.
Sexual touching is wrong. "Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman" (I Corinthians 7:1). However, from this, Paul argues that people should get married to avoid such sins. Implied in this is that sexually touching someone does not automatically cause you to be married.
Marriage is a covenant before God. "She is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Malachi 2:14). See:
- Doesn't sex create a marriage?
- Does premarital sex make you married or cursed?
- Does a marriage begin when it is consummated?
You misquoted Genesis 2:24, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." Notice that there are three steps:
- People leave their parents.
- People are joined to their spouse -- in other words, they get married.
- People begin the process of being one flesh -- they become a new family unit; of course, sex is one aspect of this.
Sex does not create marriage; the joining does. Jesus quoted this verse to point out that God does the joining, not man: "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matthew 19:6). If sex caused the joining, then man would be creating the marriage, not God.
You sinned with this girl but did not enter into a covenant relationship with her. No vows were made before witnesses, and there is no record of the covenant. See Marriage Covenants.
It is past time to stop playing the victim of your own crime. Others told you that your logic was flawed, but you would not listen to them. You were too focused on feeling sorry for yourself.
Response:
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, pastor. I am grateful for the words and for being direct in pointing out the feeling that I (maybe until now) had not even identified as cowardly.
