Did I love him too much?

Answer:

I know you consider yourself a Christian, but it is also clear that someone has neglected to teach you what it means to be a Christian. I'm not attempting to come down hard on you, I am pointing out that there are some serious gaps in your understanding. Because of that, I am thrilled that you have taken to reading and studying the Bible on your own. That is what is it there for -- to help keep you from making serious mistakes.

"Happy is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding; for her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, and her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, and all the things you may desire cannot compare with her. Length of days is in her right hand, in her left hand riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, and happy are all who retain her. The LORD by wisdom founded the earth; by understanding He established the heavens; by His knowledge the depths were broken up, and clouds drop down the dew. My son, let them not depart from your eyes - keep sound wisdom and discretion; so they will be life to your soul and grace to your neck. Then you will walk safely in your way, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. Do not be afraid of sudden terror, nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes; for the LORD will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught" (Proverbs 3:13-26).

The problem in your relationship is not the amount of love that you put into it, but that you went about it the wrong way. You committed sin and are now hurt that it didn't work as you thought it should have. The sin you committed is called fornication. Fornication is when two people, who are not married to each other, have sex. The word is not often used these days because society refuses to accept that sex only belongs inside a marriage. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4). In some translations of the Bible, you will find the term "sexual immorality" or even just plain "immorality" used in place of "fornication."

A deep problem is that you tried to live on both sides of the fence. You tried to be in the church and live like you were in the world at the same time. It just doesn't work. "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?" (Romans 6:1-2). "Therefore, since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our past lifetime in doing the will of the Gentiles--when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries" (I Peter 4:1-3).

I don't know if you have done all that God has asked of you to become one of His children. So many denominations only teach a part of the truth and have misled so many. So, I want you to look for yourself. Read through all the passages listed in "Things that Accompany Salvation" and see if you have done all that the Lord requires of you.

Next, let's turn to why this relationship did not work. God created a certain order for a relationship between a man and a woman to be established. Ideally, you meet a man, become good friends, make a commitment to each other, marry, and then have sex. One reason sex is after marriage is that children are the natural result of sex and a child deserves a father and mother committed to both the child and each other to raise him properly. How do you know if a man will be committed to you? Because he will first bind himself in a formal covenant of marriage before having sex with you. A man willing to have sex outside of marriage is declaring by his actions that he doesn't really care about God and His law -- so how well can you trust such a man to keep his word? A man willing to have sex without a marriage covenant is declaring that his desires are more important to him than what is right or wrong. Could you trust such a man to remain faithful throughout a marriage? Sadly, I've been told far too many times that people start having sex after only a few dates. They hardly knew each other, yet they were willing to risk raising children in this unstable environment. There is much more that I could say, but I invite you to read "Why Sex Outside of Marriage is Wrong" for more details.

I am guessing, but it sounds to me that you were trying to use sex to give this man a reason to stay with you. When you felt the relationship further erode, you hoped that if you had a baby with him then he would feel compelled to stay with you. But as you now see, it doesn't work that way. In part, it is because men and women don't think the same way. Women view sex as an expression of the relationship. But men see sex as a way of fulfilling a need. Not that it is good, but men are capable of having sex with someone with whom they have no feelings. But women, because of their make up, have a hard time grasping such a concept and so discount it as not being possible. Thus, they are persuaded to attempt to create a relationship in a backward fashion and then are surprised that going backward doesn't work. As Dinah's brothers declared concerning Shechem having sex outside of marriage with their sister, "he had done a disgraceful thing in Israel by lying with Jacob's daughter, a thing which ought not to be done" (Genesis 34:7).

Marriage exists to blend the two diverse ways of looking at the world. A commitment must be made first before sex is offered. Thus men who demonstrate their willingness to stand by their word get married. This gives their wives confidence that they are stable enough to raise a family with such a man -- in other words, it establishes and proves that a relationship exists. In a way, you gave away the benefits of a husband and wife relationship without his "purchasing" the right through marriage.

It is not that you gave too much love. That view states that there is a fixed amount of love that anyone can give. The Bible doesn't teach that. "And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment" (Philippians 1:9). There is no upper bound on love. The real problem is that you misunderstand what love is. You've accepted a worldly definition of love and it failed to live up to your expectations. Take a moment to read "Love Is ..." for a biblical definition of what love really is about. If you are like most young people whom I have talked to you will find that there are many parts that you and he did not practice, which showed you did not fully and truly love each other. Instead, you chose to ignore the warnings or overlooked them in the excitement. Now you have an opportunity to learn from your mistake. Learn what true love is and seek that out in your next boyfriend. Demand that the man you marry and have children with (in marriage) has to live up to God's standards first and then you will find your life much happier.