Dear Mr. Hamilton,
I read your response to the young man who asked: "I think I’m gay because my penis gets erect for guys and not gals." Your answer to why the young man doesn't get erect around young women was excellent and clear: "You don’t get the same reaction because you don’t see women as physically domineering." Then to give him hope that he will likely not commit fornication or adultery and that he will have sex with his wife was wonderful to read. So few young men receive hope for their sexual futures and the hope of their own wives.
Another reason why this particular Q&A was of interest to me is that a few years ago, I was working on a white paper with Dr. Joseph Nicolosi about Hypermasculine Homosexuality. He died before we could finish the work. At one point during our conversations, I posed the question: What is the cause of some men who eroticize being dominated by other men? I was particularly concerned about those men who are often athletes but seem to enjoy creating situations where they feel dominated by other men whom they perceive as more masculine than themselves. These are men who seem to present themselves as strong, hard-hitting men, but in reality, they will target and provoke particular men they perceive as more masculine than themselves. Once their targeted man counterattacks, these men often fall into a submissive role and seem to enjoy the 'punches' to the point where I once witnessed a physically much larger man begin to whine.
Whenever I come across a man who appears dominant but seems to seek to be dominated, it's as if I can sense some underlying erotic component. I've noted, over the years, that men who are like this and are married -- their marriages do not function well. I'm wondering if that is because of this problem and not the cause of their problem because his sexual focus is not on his wife God has for him. If so, then he will not enjoy the sexual satisfaction he can only get with his own wife and will continue 'misfocusing' on what get's him most aroused.
Since I, like most men I know, enjoy being the man with my wife and enjoy being the man in all my responsibilities, I can't relate to their problem. I wonder if, at the root, they didn't learn in childhood that God created them as males for a purpose.
I appreciate it if you have any insight you have from what you have noticed from your large dataset of young men's questions that might pertain to this problem. I don't want to waste your time if you don't desire to respond.
You've asked a question for which I'm not certain that I have sufficient information to answer. I have to keep in mind the danger that exists in delving into man-made philosophies (Colossians 2:8). Thus, I strive to keep God's teachings as my focus. "Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen" (I Peter 4:11).
Over the years, I have talked to a large number of males who are involved in homosexuality or find themselves attracted to other males. I agree that most have skewed ideas of what it means to be male. The cause of the skewing can be large (lack of a father, an uninvolved father, abuse as a child, a man-hating mother, etc.). Boys and girls go through a period where they use role models to tune their ideas regarding how they should behave. It is a part of the learning process. Even in Christianity, we are told to imitate good Christians (Philippians 3:17; Titus 2:6-8). Both bad role models and a lack of role models can cause difficulties in proper learning.
Many of these males believe there is something missing in their life, and in trying to fill the void, they end up exacerbating the problem. It doesn't help that society tends to have unreasonable ideas about what makes a person male. You can see an example of this in the Bible. Isaac favored his hairy, hunter son over his smooth-skinned, stay-at-home, shepherd son (Genesis 25:27-28).
When sexual feelings get mixed into problems, as happens during the teenage years, untangling the resulting mess can be difficult.
One of the core problems is a lack of contentment. It leads people to believe that if something changed in their life, then things would improve. Some go so far as to invert roles in a vain attempt to change their life. However, all changes are not the same. And most things in our life cannot be truly changed. What I can change is my attitude toward life. Unfortunately, I find that a large number of people find that concept difficult. See:
Related to a lack of contentment is an unwillingness to be responsible. It is always someone else's fault, such as Eve blaming the serpent for her sin and Adam blaming God for giving him Eve as the reason behind his sin. Without responsibility, a person believes he can act as he pleases; thus, perceived pleasure is their number one priority. See: