Question:

Sorry about this being a tough one. As a believer, I am in a really tough spot. I firmly believe the Bible teaches that sex is a biblical marriage. Although this is not what the church or mainstream media teaches. In Scripture, any time virgins had sex it was understood to be marriage. “He went in to her” is commonly used. Jacob and Leah, Isaac and Rebekah, Deuteronomy 21:10-14 and 25:5. It took me a while to deal with this information. This is what I firmly believe the Bible teaches. [Link to another site was removed.]

Now here is the spot that I am in. I was raised in the church and went “off the rails” you could say in college. I had relations with two boys, neither of which I had intercourse with, and although I knew I was sinning, I believed that intercourse was sex, if it wasn’t “actual” sex it’s not really that bad, and sex wasn’t the covenant sign of marriage, and that stuff. Now my beliefs have changed and I see the truth that I believe I crossed a line into what is sex, even though there wasn’t intercourse, and all of a sudden it clicked and I put two and two together that sex was marriage and later marriages were adulterous and sought out information on the matter.

The story is that the first boy I left, and the second left me. I got into my faith and was baptized during the second relationship, with the intent for that activity to cease because I knew it was sin, and it hurt me and I couldn’t deal with it happening anymore, and it continued for a bit before the relationship ultimately ended. He told me I push my faith on him.

I believe God forgives ignorance, and these things I did ignorant of the reality of what I was actually doing, and consequences, but not ignorant that it was a sin because although I wasn’t baptized, I was raised in the church.

Now I’m at the age where I want to get married, there is a godly man in my life basically waiting for me to figure this out.

I wonder if God revealed this truth to me after the sexual activities ceased because He knew that I would have had intercourse had He not shown me this at the time He did, or if He showed me this because I can never get married or I will be in sin until I die because of my prior relationships and sins. Please help provide some insight.

Answer:

Your difficulties start with your belief that sex creates a marriage. Even the article that you sent me (not shown) claims that sex only seals the marriage covenant. He did not claim that sex created the covenant. His argument, however, is false. See Does a marriage begin when it is consummated?

You stated that you didn't have sexual intercourse with both boys but were involved in fornication. Since you are being vague about your terms, I have no idea if you are redefining fornication or not. Interestingly, you acknowledge that you sinned with both boys. But if you truly believe that sexual acts create a marriage, then your relationship with the first boy could not have been sinful. Supposedly your first act of sex with him caused you to be married to him. But, of course, that is false. "If a man finds a girl who is a virgin, who is not engaged, and seizes her and lies with her and they are discovered, then the man who lay with her shall give to the girl's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because he has violated her; he cannot divorce her all his days" (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). Why does the woman become the man's wife after they were caught having sex? In your view, they should have already been married. Exodus 22:16-17 states that her father had the right to prevent the marriage. You can't prevent what has already taken place.

The simple answer is that you sinned in your past. I gathered that you have finally decided to be baptized and become a Christian. Your past sins were forgiven. You have a man who is interested in marrying you and you are interested in being his wife. You have never been married, so you can marry him.

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