Am I bound by a childhood promise?
Question:
Hi, Mr. Hamilton.
When Jesus says, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" in Matthew 5:37, he means that Christians ought to be people who keep their word, whether they formally call it a vow or swear an oath. If Jill tells Jack, "Yes, I will marry you," she has made a vow to marry him, and God wants her to keep this vow. The interim between a proposal and a wedding isn't a "Let's think really hard about whether or not we want to do this," but simply a practical delay between promise and fulfillment so that particulars about the wedding event can be arranged. All that to say, I take agreement to a proposal very seriously.
When I was around eight years old, I told a male friend of the same age that I would be his wife. We kept up this "romantic" relationship for probably a few years (with our parents' bemused blessing), until eventually the boy broke off our relationship because he'd moved, and a "long-distance relationship" was hard.
I'm in my thirties now and have never been married because I struggle with this question and others that make it difficult to feel like God approves of me pursuing a relationship. Several years ago (at least six), I thought about this instance between me and this boy and wondered, "Am I still bound by my word to be his wife?" He's married now, with four children, so did he commit adultery against me by marrying? Am I bound to hang around to wait for him in case his wife passes and he becomes single again? We haven't spoken in twenty-five years.
I've asked several friends about this, and most laugh and are incredulous that this is even a question in my mind. And yet here I am.
My friends reply: "Children aren't old enough to consent to a life-changing decision like marriage." And yet some people become baptized Christians when they are ten years old--we believe they are old enough to make this life-changing decision.
My friends ask, "If 'Jane' [a seven-year-old mutual acquaintance] promised to give me a million dollars when she grew up, would God expect her to give me a million dollars, even if she did happen to make a million or more?" And I can see the answer is "no," because she is just a child and doesn't know what a million dollars means, so why do I still feel guilty about breaking a childhood promise? Why can't I just see how cut-and-dry this is like everyone else does? Am I bound to a conscience that has a hard time feeling reassurance? Why can't I just be normal? I'm frustrated and lonely, and my childbearing years are almost gone.
Thank you for listening.
Answer:
Why do you consider breaking your word different from any other sin? All of us sin, and God has given us a way to be forgiven of sin through baptism (Acts 2:38). Christians who sin can gain forgiveness by confessing their sins (I John 1:9).
A Christian is expected to keep his word. To not do so would be lying. Jesus' point in Matthew 5:33-37 is that adding vows or promises does not make your word any more real or important.
You told a boy when you were young that you would marry him. However, that promise was not kept. He married someone else; thus, that promise is broken. It can't be kept. And as your friends pointed out, you don't expect a child to be held to the same standard as an adult. Yes, some choose to follow Christ at a young age, but the adults around the child typically are careful to make sure the child understands what he is committing to.
His promise to you and your promise to him only expressed your intentions. It did not create a marriage. See Are promises the same as marriage covenants?
Therefore, there is no reason you cannot get married. When you became a Christian, the sins you committed in the past, including not keeping your word, were forgiven.
