Am I binding too much on myself?
Question:
Hello brother,
I’ve read many of your articles relating to Religious OCD. After reading your articles, I feel convinced I have suffered a bit of this. I’ve been baptized three different times. For some reason, my mind wonders and thinks I didn’t do something right or that my heart wasn’t in it like it should have been.
The first time, I was 14 and responded of my own will. I knew I needed to be baptized for the remission of my sins to make it to heaven, and after doing that, I felt like a new man.
The second time was when I was 22 and in the military. I was more of a lukewarm Christian. Someone was at services but was harboring sin. I read about some things in Galatians 3:27 and I Corinthians 12:12 that I studied before but never clicked for some reason. I told myself I should have known those things to be baptized when I was 14, so I called my local elder and asked Him to baptize me again. For many years, I never doubted my decision, but years later, I was talking to some friends about repentance. And the comment came up that repentance is necessary for forgiveness. I told myself that I don’t know if I ever repented because I made some seriously bad decisions after my second baptism. So, I was asked to be baptized again.
Several years later, my mind is now troubling me again. I look back on my young age and see and experience the maturity in Christ. I’m striving to walk in the light and happy to see my progress. But for some reason, I’m not feeling like what is described in I John 5:13. My mind is always coming to my baptisms. When people ask me when I put on Christ, I’m almost embarrassed because I don’t know which one was right.
I need guidance on why I possibly feel this way. Am I overthinking this? Am I binding too much on myself for salvation? Am I trying to be perfect, creating my own version of salvation? Do I not trust in God’s saving grace? I don’t want to always question things like I always do. I don’t want the complete joy and abundant life to be experienced here on this earth.
I appreciate any helpful words from Scripture.
Answer:
Like many OCD sufferers, you are trying to avoid all risks. You want to be more than confident that you will reach heaven. However, your approach doesn't leave any room for trust and hope.
We often read about Paul's confidence in II Timothy 4:7-8, but this was written at the end of his life. At earlier points, he knew there was a possibility for even him to stray.
"But I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified" (I Corinthians 9:27).
"Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:12-14).
You don't allow for growth (I Peter 2:1-3). Of course, you understand baptism better now than when you first became a Christian. That is the normal progression. It doesn't mean your original commitment was flawed in any way.
Christians do stumble and sin (I John 1:8-2:1). Sin doesn't mean you never were a Christian. It means you lost your way for a while, but now you have returned.
Being a Christian is not about being perfect. We are never going to be our Savior, but each day we work to get a bit closer to his example. "But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ" (Ephesians 4:15). God wants you saved. "This is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth" (I Timothy 2:3-4). By His grace, we are saved despite our imperfections.
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus; whom God displayed publicly as a propitiation in His blood through faith. This was to demonstrate His righteousness, because in the forbearance of God He passed over the sins previously committed; for the demonstration, I say, of His righteousness at the present time, so that He would be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus" (Romans 3:23-26).
