Who my boyfriend was is hurting me
Question:
Hello, how are you?
I wanted to share something that has been particularly challenging for me lately.
I have always lived chastely out of love for God and as a gift for my future husband. I’ve been dating a man for several months who, in almost every way, is the person I asked God for. We are committed to chastity, and he has fully respected this from the beginning. When we met, he was a recent convert and didn’t fully understand many biblical teachings. I helped him grow in his faith, and now he lives his faith seriously.
What deeply hurts me is his past: before meeting me, he had casual sexual relations with four different women whom he didn’t even know well. He says he deeply regrets it and feels ashamed. I believe his repentance is sincere, and I know he is no longer that man. But ever since I learned about this, I have lost my peace.
At first, thoughts or images of him with those women only came when I was alone. Now, even when we are together, these thoughts come uninvited. Even during worship, when I should be at peace, these thoughts invade me. One time, while he was gently holding my hand, I suddenly thought, “He touched those women with these same hands… it makes me feel sick.” I felt sad for thinking this way. Sometimes, when he shows affection, I pull away. When he hugs or touches me, I remember he was intimate with other women. It doesn’t happen every time, but it does happen.
I understand I don’t need to forgive him because he didn’t sin directly against me. Still, it’s tough to accept that he did something so intimate before me. He never seemed like someone who had done that.
I saved my virginity for God and my future husband, so as not to hurt him.... but now I’m the one suffering. He had sex with four women, has four naked women in his mind, touched them, and it stays with him. I will never be the only one for him.
If someone asked who his first time was with, it won’t be me. I won’t be second, or even third. I will never be the woman with whom he experienced his first sensation, first touch, or first smell. Also, he will probably bring what he learned from those women into our intimacy. This fills me with deep hopelessness.
I love the man he is today, but who he was hurts me. I have asked God to help me, and I have tried many times to accept it or remind myself, “He is not that man anymore.” And I have cried many times.
I know that repented sins are forgiven and forgotten by God, but the consequences remain. It’s like someone who killed... even if sorry, they cannot bring back the life lost or erase the memory from those affected.
I know he remembers what he did with those women, their bodies, positions, and pleasure. They must have been special enough for him to take risks with strangers. I imagine their beauty… different from me. How can I be okay knowing this? I will never be the only one for his body, mind, and memories.
It saddens me to think this way about him, to feel disgusted at times, especially knowing he truly regrets it.
I still have a lot to say, but this is already long. Please forgive me. I am just a hurting soul hoping someone understands. Thank you.
Answer:
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails" (I Corinthians 13:4-8).
"Do not let your heart envy sinners, but live in the fear of the LORD always. Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off" (Proverbs 23:17).
Your boyfriend sinned in his past in a way that you did not. That doesn't mean you didn't have your own set of sins; it is just in this one area, he walked a different path than you did. But instead of seeing that it was a dark point in his life, you treat it as if it were a high point.
You didn't just save yourself for him. You obeyed God. You demonstrated self-control, a quality that many people in this world lack. You have something that those other people don't have: a clear conscious regarding this type of sin.
"For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions" (Matthew 6:14-15).
You are correct that he did not sin against you. He did not even know you. For that matter, he didn't know God at that time. Read what Jesus said in Matthew 6:14-15 again. He didn't say you have to forgive people who hurt you. It isn't about you. You must forgive people who have sinned. That forgiveness is based on the person's repentance (Luke 17:3), which your boyfriend has demonstrated. It is ironic that you are holding his past sins against him while sinning yourself.
You need to let the past go. Your boyfriend sinned, but thankfully, he left all that behind to serve God. You need to leave it behind as well. You have better things to do with your spare time. You are not in competition with these past women. He didn't care about them. He used them for his own pleasure. They are no longer a part of his life. He loves you, and you are in his life. That is the foundation of a relationship that those other women could not obtain.
Question:
Hello,
Thank you very much for your response and the Bible verses. I know my boyfriend is repentant and trying to live by faith.
But I still have difficulties dealing with his past. It’s not just about forgiveness, but about accepting that what he did cannot be undone. I wouldn’t mind if he weren’t a virgin, as long as those memories of him having relations with other women didn’t exist. But unfortunately, the brain doesn’t work that way. Even though he is repentant, those memories remain in his mind. He will always have in his mind him, them, and then me. No matter how much he repents, those memories exist, and I will never be the only one.
Perhaps I am the first in his heart, but I will never be the “first” in his body and memory, the first sensation, the first touch - something very special to me. And there is a risk he might use what he learned with them in our intimacy.
How can I deal with these thoughts and the idea that he still carries those memories, repentant or not? Please forgive me for the way I will say this: he has three naked women, making sex in his head, and unfortunately, that is still there. Even repentant, the memory doesn’t go away.
When you said he “just used” those women, it was hard to hear. Actually, he wanted to be with them in the most intimate way possible and even risked his own safety for it. I don’t think they were insignificant. I believe what he had with them was stronger than our relationship so far, because sex is very intense and creates a strong bond.
I’m not saying he is less for not being a virgin; I am also a sinner. Our relationship can have a good future, but his past hurts my heart. If I can’t overcome this, maybe it’s better to end things.
Again, thank you very much for your attention and comforting words. May God bless your work.
Answer:
Forgiveness is releasing the past so that it does not affect the future. It is "to grant as a favor, pardon, rescue, deliver, relieve, release, or to free fully." When we say that God forgives us, we are saying that He no longer holds our past actions against us. It isn't that the sins are erased. The past can't be erased. However, they don't have to be thought about. He has cast our sins behind His back (Isaiah 38:17). He no longer sees our sins, as if they were no longer there. When God forgives, He no longer remembers our sins (Hebrews 8:12).
You loosely use the word "forgive," but you don't actually apply it. Would you like God to act the way you treat your boyfriend in the same way toward your sins? If you can’t put it behind you and never bring it up again, then you haven’t forgiven him. If you can’t forgive someone who did nothing against you, why do you expect God to forgive you (Matthew 18:21-35)?
What I see is someone who isn't ready for marriage. As it currently stands, you will be constantly competing against imaginary women whom he doesn't want. I hope you overcome this, but if you insist on holding on to these thoughts, then I strongly suggest that you break up with him and reconsider getting married.
