Why is the guy I committed fornication with marrying someone else?
Question:
Dear Beloved,
Several years ago, a Christian guy from my church approached me about his interest and desire to become my life partner. Initially, I refused due to certain situations and explained the consequences we both would be facing. I was firm in my refusal, but he repeatedly requested while affirming to face any consequences and still marry me. I deeply thought about it and finally agreed but did highlight to him that he was in his early twenties and I was in my early thirties. I said there would be opposition and he still agreed to face all hurdles regarding this. I finally agreed a year later. From that point, he started pushing for a physical relationship. Although initially I was totally not OK with it and rejected it because such things were not OK before marriage, he kept on alluring me and by the next year, we were having sex, though we protected ourselves from having a kid.
The first five times we had intercourse, I told him that I am felt hurt. Being Christians, this was not acceptable to God and we needed to stop sinning. Eventually, I approached a priest in our church and explained the entire situation. He prayerfully advised us both to stop sinning and placed two options before us:
- Either you both wait until the right time and get married legally and then enter into a physical relationship
- Considering the guy is younger than me, the priest advised us to confess to him and give up this relationship for good. The priest understood that both parents were not going to permit this marriage.
The priest strongly recommended the second option, neither of us was willing to give up this relationship. It had reached a point where we were inseparable. This was conveyed to the priest and he stated if this is the case, then we must wait for the right time, settle ourselves financially to start a family, and once we were ready to get married. He warned us not to sin again until marriage, but we were deeply involved in sex until early this year.
When I least expected all of a sudden the boy called me and stated that his parents have seen another girl for him and they are forcing him to get married to that girl. I told him you need to inform your parents of our relationship and not agree to that marriage. Let your parents know we had been having sex for many years and were almost living as life partners, but the guy stated that his father is old and getting physically weak. If he informed his parents about this relationship, they might end their lives. He is their only son and the only breadwinner. He was not financially sound, but his parents found him a good, educated, wealthy girl who holds a good job. Therefore, for the sake of his old parents, he said he was forced to leave me.
This hurt me a lot as I had initially explained all the consequences in much detail and he was firm about facing them all, at any cost, to have me as his life partner. But in the end, he gave up. I called his father and told him everything in detail. His father blindly refused and stated that since I am older than his son, it is impossible. I told him we were physically committed, and biblically it's fornication. Now his son is going to marry another girl, who is innocent. But the father stated that he didn't care. Prestige and status were more important to them in their society. Finally, my parents and church priests involved fought their level best to convince the guy, but he is firm about marrying the other girl and his marriage date is set. He totally broke up with me.
Now I am in my late thirties and I feel desolate, dejected, isolated, mad, and just want to end up my life. Because of the promises this guy gave me, I have been waiting sincerely for many years. After each time we had sex and I stopped him, he would say he was getting physically committed in order to make our relationship strong so that nobody could separate us in the future. He said if his parents asked him to forsake me, he would state, "I have several attempts with her and I can't give up on her." All these promises kill me now. My age is gone and he is going to decently marry another girl. So what about my life?
When he first approached me, he was open about his life. He had several bad sins that he committed in the past, which included fornication with more than seven girls and adultery with a married girl. Later, I too opened up my life and told him how I have been sexually abused by two men during my college days. One was a younger guy and the other was a married man. Listening to this, being Christians, we made up our minds to confess to each other and live a godly life henceforth as per the Scripture. Since both of us had a bad past, and since we opened our lives to each other, we decided this might be God's plan to unite us together for marriage. Therefore, we agreed to be good godly life partners. Now things have totally changed, everything is out of control, and my life is in a mess.
The last time we spoke, he badly cried on the call and stated that he desired to live a good life but his life is spoiled and it seems like he is forced into this marriage. Nobody can help him.
My biggest tormenting pain that I am going through now is that we have committed fornication several times with each other and with other people before we met. Now, this guy is going to marry another girl. Is it right biblically? I did my level best to marry this guy to prevent any other sins in my life, but his side is impossible. I really do not know if I should continue burning and live without marrying anyone because I am not going to get him anymore. On the other hand, if I marry another person, I am terribly scared that I will need to hide a whole bunch of sins that I committed. Will my life be a tragedy?
I am confused. I really do not know what to do further. I really wish this guy would marry me so our mistakes will be corrected and we continue to live for God, but some situations are impossible. I am being mentally tormented each second.
Kindly advise, please.
Answer:
"Many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of the truth will be maligned; and in their greed they will exploit you with false words; their judgment from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep. ... They are stains and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, as they carouse with you, having eyes full of adultery that never cease from sin, enticing unstable souls, having a heart trained in greed, accursed children; forsaking the right way, they have gone astray, having followed the way of Balaam, the son of Beor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness" (II Peter 2:2-3,13-15).
By your own admission, you knew that sex before marriage was wrong. He told you that he had sex with many women, many times. Once you decided to allow him to court you, he quickly began pressing you for sex, and eventually, you gave in. Even when you were specifically told that the fornication had to stop because you were not married, you continued to sin. In summary, this man has acted consistently corrupt; yet, you seem surprised by his behavior.
He claimed he would marry you after he reached the legal age. By my calculation, he was 23 when he first had sex with you. He was already of legal age to marry without his parent's consent in every country of the world. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriageable_age].
When his parents arranged a marriage to a rich girl who will support him, of course, he shifted to a new person to have sex with. I'm also sure that he told you all sorts of stories about how he is being forced into marrying her, even though he loves you. He is hoping to convince you to be his mistress.
You thought that you could use the fact that you sinned with this man to force him to marry you. But you don't get righteousness from sin. "And why not say (as we are slanderously reported and as some claim that we say), "Let us do evil that good may come"? Their condemnation is just" (Romans 3:8). You even lied to yourself when you said that your sinful relationship was God's plan to unite the two of you in marriage. "Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust" (James 1:13-14).
It also appears that you excused your sin by thinking that your sex wasn't really fornication because you were going to get married. Intentions don't change sin. You intended to get married, but I'm not convinced he ever had that as his objective. Even if you did get married to this man, it would not have changed what you had done. You still had committed fornication repeatedly, even when knowing it was wrong.
What do you do? First, you need to straighten out your life. You have been claiming to be a Christian while living an ungodly life. It is past time that you realize that being a Christian means following Christ regardless of your personal feelings. Second, you can't change your past, but you can change your future. Find a godly man to marry and then you can enjoy a sexual relationship with him. Any man who asks for sexual acts before marriage is not a godly man.
"You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they? So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. So then, you will know them by their fruits. Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter" (Matthew 7:16-21).
Question:
Dear Jeffrey,
Thanks a lot for your prompt response.
I really thank God for precious saints like you in this world who are opening my spiritual eyes of understanding.
I am desperately wanting to come back to the Lord and lead a good Christian life. I am doing my best but the thoughts of this guy are haunting me 24 hours a day, no matter whatever I am trying to do to get rid of him from my mind and heart for good and surrender to God's will completely.
I would like to know if it is biblically right to get married to another man since I have the sin of fornication in my life. Will this marriage be acceptable in God's sight or is it like I am going to do another sin by cheating another person again. Please advise.
Also, I somehow want these haunting thoughts of this guy to leave my heart and mind permanently and focus my life on God's plan. Can you please advise.
I am sincerely claiming the blood of Jesus and offering prayers seven times a day claiming the promises in the Bible with faith, attending prayers, etc. but nothing is helping me. Whatever I do I am in a situation where I want to love Jesus and have him in my life but this guy's deeds, words, actions, talks, voice, etc. are always superseding anything I do. Please help me. I am going mentally mad each day. I am scared of whether these thoughts are going to haunt my mind and heart for the rest of my life. I really want to get rid of this. Please, please advise. I know I am in the last days and I don't want my soul to go to hell. I somehow want to get to heaven, thereby these days I have set right my life and by God's grace. God is helping me live an overcoming life physically, but mentally and in my heart, I am being tormented by his thoughts. I need deliverance. Please advise and pray for me.
Answer:
Again, you are not looking at your situation honestly. You wonder if you can marry someone else after committing fornication with this man; yet, you were planning to marry him after you had had sex with two other men and he talked about marrying you after he had had sex with many other women. You never questioned whether you had a right to marry at that point, so your question now is simply a tactic to continue to hold onto him.
There is no passage that states fornication prevents a later marriage. Sex does not create a marriage. See Doesn't sex create a marriage?
"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other" (Matthew 6:24).
I can't find much sympathy in my heart for someone who clings to an evil person and allows him to distract her from serving God. To claim that God is helping you while you are being two-minded is also wrong. "But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways" (James 1:6-8).
If you truly wish to repent of your sins, then you must acknowledge that you were living a lie with this man. You and he were involved in sin that you thought was more important than God and His laws. "I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God, so that you might not suffer loss in anything through us. For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death. For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong! In everything you demonstrated yourselves to be innocent in the matter" (II Corinthians 7:9-11). Until you get to the point where your sorrow over your sins drives you to completely change your life, you will always struggle.
