I am writing from a very small city. I was first called by God on His mission, but I refused it due to my family's financial situation. Now I am again starting His service, but I am not able to serve it fully. Satan always puts me in places where I always fail. I am starting a social service club to serve the poor here, but constant denials are what I get. Yet deep in my heart Christ Jesus, my Savior, reigns and I still believe in his saving grace.
What should I do now? I am up to a point of committing suicide. Why was I ever born? Do I really have a purpose for living?
"But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion" (Ecclesiastes 9:4).
It seems to me that your desire to serve the Lord is good, but you give little consideration to what the Lord tells you to do. Just because something sounds good to you, it doesn't mean the Lord wants it. "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'" (Matthew 7:21-23). Obedience to God is far more important than creating ways to serve Him that you think He will accept.
There is nowhere God says He wants a social service club to serve the poor. As individuals, we are required to help the poor when we are able. "Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith" (Galatians 6:10). Yet, at the same time, that is not why we are here on earth. A Christian's first duty is to teach the gospel message. "For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe" (I Corinthians 1:21).
Instead of focusing on what you want to do, learn first what God requires you to do. Teaching the gospel requires no money, but the rewards are greater than anything on this earth.