Why did she say she forgave me if she stopped talking to me?
Question:
I met a girl online about a year ago. She lives in a different state where she was attending a Bible college. We talked all the time and became good friends. I became interested in her and tried to pursue her, but she insisted on staying friends because of the distance. A few months later, we both entered relationships locally and did not talk for a while. Later, our relationships seemingly ended around the same time and we started to talk again, but we're both fairly busy with work or school.
I tried to court her again, but she rejected me, encouraging me to find someone in the church. I didn't really want to because no girl seemed interested in me -- at least, not the ones I was attracted to. She changed a little bit after this happened and would often take her time to text me back on her phone. Sometimes, a few days would go by before I'd get a reply. Understandable, she said was busy. I was making small talk with her, and she suggested that I go back on the website that we met on and pursue cute girls in my area whom she had seen online. I had the hunch she wanted to get rid of me, and it didn't feel too good.
I think I did this next thing out of anger. I made a fake profile on that website and said I was from the same town as her. She immediately knew it was me and confronted me about that, and I confessed what I had done. She then told me it wasn't good, she forgives me, but she didn't know anymore. I told her I'd give her some space, and she said it was a good idea since the trust was really shaken. I didn't really hear from her for a while after that. It's been about a month since I've heard from her. Last week, I wrote her a long letter on Facebook telling her I was sorry and really wanted to be friends again, and that I could show her I'm a good guy who just made a mistake. I'm pretty sure she has read it.
I just don't get it. She says she forgives, me but she won't talk to me anymore. She's a smart Christian and has taught me quite a bit about the Bible, God, and Jesus. I wish I learned about forgiveness though. So how is saying she forgives me but not talking to me ever again truly forgiving someone? Is there really any way to get her back? If not, what should I do? I've been going to church a lot. The same church she said I should check out because she knew some people here, volunteering and actually doing a really good job. I feel heartbroken and terrible some days and other days I'm angry at God for bringing her into my life and taking her friendship away from me. I know I shouldn't feel that way.
Answer:
Sadly, to too many people forgiveness is just a word. "My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth" (I John 3:18). You are correct that if she had forgiven you, then she would no longer be holding what you did against you. The smart thing is to go by what she does over what she says and accept the fact that she hasn't forgiven you.
It sounds to me that from the start you were more interested in her than she was in you. She liked you and enjoyed talking to you, but she didn't seriously consider you as a potential husband. I take it from the small comments you relayed that she would rather date someone she can regularly see than have a long-distance relationship. Here her words and actions were consistent, but because they weren't what you wanted, you kept pressing on. For many girls that is a warning sign -- a guy who won't listen to what you say is going to make a good husband. (Yes, I know it is a no-win situation in your case, but it is still what happens.) You then topped it off by lying and that nailed the coffin as far as she was concerned. From her point of view, you just blew trumpets that you weren't serious about being a Christian. (Again, not an accurate view but I'm wanting you to see how she likely saw things.) The problem with lies is that the other person no longer knows what to trust and since it was a long distant relationship, she has too many doubts about an already doubtful relationship.
I know being rejected hurts. I've had plenty of rejections of my own, so I understand. Usually, I find out later that the rejection was a good thing in disguise. It never felt that way at the time because the ego was hurting, but later you realize that relationships are two-way streets and this one was one-way.
It isn't proper to blame God for the choices that you and she made. You were given the opportunity to meet, but both of you didn't use that opportunity as wisely as you should have, and who's fault is that? God didn't take her away. She decided she wanted someone else. You did get some benefits out of it. You are going to church more than you used to. You are becoming active and involved. Those are good things to be appreciated even if the relationship did not work out.
Question:
This seems to be a pattern. The girls I'm interested in, like the ones who go to church and love God, are never interested in me. The bad ones, who sure start off nice, are the ones I end up with. Then I find out that they don't believe in God, hate their parents, or like to lie, cheat and steal, and these are the ones I end up with. Matter of fact, while I was in the military and deployed, my ex-wife left me for another man and did a great deal of damage. That was a while ago and I feel like I haven't 100% recovered. I don't know what God wants, but it sure feels like He wants me to be alone and bitter the rest of my life, especially when the girl who inspired me to be close to God, who teaches me about the Bible, disappears. That's how I see it.
Thank you for writing me back. I feel like I'm beginning to see everything from a different perspective now. I never sat down and talked with any counselors or pastors about this situation, and it feels better to discuss it, even if it feels hollow on the inside. If I ever meet another girl similar to her, I will remember everything I did wrong in the past and hopefully, that keeps me from making the same mistakes. Would you ever advise me to talk to her again, years from now when I've finished my college degree and move out of this area? Do you think that enough time can go by for someone to give someone else a second chance at a friendship?
Answer:
I'm glad to be able to give you an outlet for talking about the problems you are facing. "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (James 5:16). It can be a mistake to think you can solve all of life's problems by yourself, not because you don't have the capability, but because all of us get stuck in ruts of thinking one way and we miss considering other possibilities. "Without counsel, plans go awry, But in the multitude of counselors they are established" (Proverbs 15:22).
You are asking me to predict what one person might do in the future and that is something I can't do. There are too many possibilities involved.
Godly women are out there. I know because I get notes from women who wonder where all the godly men are. One suggestion is that you keep increasing the number of people you interact with. The more good people you know, the more likely you are to run into someone looking for a good man to marry.
