Why can’t I change my husband?


I have been a single mom since the day my son was born. Even when I was married, I still felt like I was a single mom.

Since then my life changed completed and took a different turn around. My main focus was on the church, my job, my school, and my son. I was a single mom for years, “waiting for the right man to come.” In my desperation, I met a man in the gym. I told him the only place I can go with you is to church. He said no problem, On the first date, I left him hanging because I thought he was playing around with me. On the second date, he went with me to church and everything was fine. As time passed, we were into each other. The relationship went deeper, He told me about his past and I told him about my past, but there was something he hid from me and didn’t tell me until a year later. He was an ex-addict. He was taking pills to keep it under control. Knowing the consequences of having sex before marriage. I took the risk and we married three months later.

I felt in love with this man. I didn’t grow up with my parents and seeing this man treating me so good is what made me fall in love. I never had that kind of treatment before. I thought I could change this man.

Then problems started: his baby momma drama, his attitude, disrespect, screaming, yelling, manipulation, etc. He was annoyed by the way I treat my son with love and kindness instead of the tough love people think is OK to use to raise a child. I’m more of a passive, calm, laid back woman. I can’t stand disrespect, yelling or mistreatment. That’s not how I was raised. I saw my grandparents married for 52 years and that’s exactly what I was looking for. Unfortunately, I took the wrong way. I didn’t even pray for confirmation, I went straight into marriage thinking that can change this man, and bring him to Christ. I’m not going to put all the blame on him, I played my part, too, when he was being rude to my son, Maybe I didn’t set the example as a Christian woman I should have been.

We only lasted a year together. We separated to live in separate homes. We never stopped seeing each other. I don’t know about him, but I was faithful to the end. My son, having to listen to all this yelling and how this man treated his mom, he now can’t stand this man. About a year ago I said enough is enough and filed for divorce. He didn’t show up at court. He thought I was playing around. When the divorce went through, he cried and cried. He said, "I never thought you were going to do this." I got tired of not been treated like the Bible says as a fragile glass, with love and kindness. I was so good to this man. He is now regretting the day he lost me.

The problem is that we both have feelings for each other. My friends and family tell me he will never change. He still has my heart. If I try to go back to him, I know I’m going to lose my son, friends, and family. I haven’t seen anything that will give me a reason to go back with him. I still see a few things that he needs to change. They say times heals all wounds, but it hasn’t happened to me yet. We are still in contact with each other. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not.

My wish would be for him to be a completely change man, that serves God. But he refuses to do that. I lost all hope. I seem people worse than him transformed by God. Why do people tell me he will never change? Where are the faith and love we supposed to have for humans and bring them to Christ? All I wanted was to have a family, work things the right way, but his ego goes beyond that.

What would you recommend, please?


The key problem is one you mentioned several times. You married a man who you knew was not a good husband, but you thought you could change him into the man of your dreams. Like any person, he has good points and bad points. It appears you never look at the whole man.

Since you did not divorce this man because he was committing sexual sins, you don't have a right to marry someone else (Matthew 19:9). At the same time, marrying him again when the problems have not been resolved will not improve the situation.

You are best off focusing on your duties as a mother and seeing to it that your son grows up to be a good man.


I filed for divorced. We have been divorced for over a year. He wants me back, but I still see the same man I once left. My friends and family think he will never change, but, in my mind, I think there is nothing impossible for God. I would love to see this relationship restored, but deep inside I’m scared that it will repeat again.


Whether he changes is not up to God. God doesn't force anyone to do what is right. God wants all the world to be saved (II Peter 3:9), but each person must decide whether he will follow God or not. Therefore, it is up to your ex-husband to decide to change. God only teaches him what he ought to do.

Since he has not changed, then, yes, the past will repeat if you marry him again.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email