What would you advise about my relationship with an older woman?
Question:
I'll tell you everything I can remember.
My first relationship started when I was 18 years old. I didn't get married and stayed with her for two years until it all ended. It ended because I wanted out and threw away a relationship that was working out well. I blamed myself for a long time because I felt I could have fought for the relationship more, but I left instead.
After a few months, I returned to college and met a woman. She is fourteen years older than me (I'm 20, and she's 35), but I didn't care so much at first because I thought I could be the person sent by God to her. Right from the beginning, we related, both physically and emotionally. As time went by, we moved in together and started to live together.
Today, I don't know if I want to be in this relationship. I don't know if these thoughts are from God because, many times, what we want is not God's will. It would be so much easier if God Himself answered our questions.
Why don't I want to be in this relationship anymore? The first point would be the age difference because we know that the difference is significant. In the future, she will be aging more. I often see that she cannot accompany me in some things because of the age difference and being a more suffering woman. An example is sexual intercourse. She can't satisfy me completely. I feel it's wrong to say that, but it's true. How she understands our relationship is different from mine, which has only recently become noticeable. I can't ignore and let it go when we have some disagreements. I can't think only about myself, but when it's with her, she doesn't have the same affection anymore. She runs away from difficult conversations, and I feel like I won't be able to carry that burden for long. I don't know...
She lived sixteen years in an abusive relationship. She was married. She had a son. He lives with us. He is 17 years old. It doesn't bother me, but I feel that I have no authority in the house. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. So, what holds me in this relationship?
In part, it is the affection she has because we have good moments, too. The delights of a couple's relationship, no matter how wrong they are.
I also feel sorry for her. She suffers a lot. She is the only one working and is deeply in debt. She has already told me that if it weren't for me, she would have to work other jobs to support herself. I don't want to abandon her in a bad phase.
I'm a little bit concerned about what others would think. "He left such a good person."
I'm also afraid I won't be able to find another good person. I'm afraid to let her go through hardship because of me. But I don't want to continue living a lie because I feel that she is connected to her husband. He is alive. I was relieved when she told me that he cheated on her, but she was not sure because he said it while he was drunk, and she was never really sure. I don't want to be in adultery, but what if this is just an escape for me to get out of this relationship? What if I'm using this to ease the guilt of having left? I do not know...
I still feel affection for my ex-girlfriend. I cheated on her. Then I found out that she cheated on me too. (I know, it's all wrong.) But if I were alone and could have her back, I would return to her. But I won't chase after her because she found someone else too. However, I would be willing to forgive everything.
My question is: What do I do? Do I make this commitment? Do I want to get out of this relationship anyway? Or are these the enemy's ideas to get me out of it?
I feel lost. I want to do the right thing, regardless of whether to make this commitment or leave it. Still, I don't want to live with something bad inside me, to live something that maybe wasn't for me. I don't want to abandon or make her sad, but I also don't want to be in something I don't want.
Please give me some advice. What about God? What would He say to me?
Answer:
There is so much we need to discuss.
You are properly concerned about what God would think about your life, but at the same time, you disobey God when sin makes you feel good. As Jesus asks, "Why do you call Me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?" (Luke 6:46).
God's will for everyone is that they live righteously before him. You can't be righteous while having sex with whoever you feel like bedding. "For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God" (I Thessalonians 4:3-5). You mentioned that you wonder if God sent you into this woman's life, but you are lying to yourself. God doesn't sin or sinners. "Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God'; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone" (James 1:13). If anyone is behind this relationship, it is the devil.
You want the relationship because you get sexual privileges, and you like being mothered by this woman. This is also why you have no authority in the home. You can't be both a man and a child simultaneously. She wants the relationship because it is good for her ego. Despite getting older, she tells herself that she isn't that old when she can get a much younger man sexually aroused. She also likes the fact that she is in control after her abusive marriage.
Even though the sex is no longer as thrilling (which always happens over time), she is managing to keep you around. Men want to feel like the knight in shining armor rescuing the damsel in distress. So, she emphasizes how you are "rescuing" her. Of course, her debt is due to her mismanaging her money. You aren't solving that problem. You are only allowing her to ignore the problem longer.
What saddens me is that I don't think you've learned your lessons. You aren't thinking about marrying someone and settling down to have a family. You aren't approaching life asking how you can best serve God (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14). Every decision you make is about your pleasure, and as you should be seeing, pleasures don't last, make the world a better place, or get you to heaven.
Question:
So, are my actions based on emotions and not reason? For me to correct all of this, is it to finish what I started?
Answer:
Where do you show reasoning and consideration of what God wants and what is best for everyone involved in the decisions you have made?
- You move in with a young woman and then leave after two years.
- You soon moved in with an older woman, and in less than a year, you are thinking about moving out.
Sex is clearly your primary motivation in both relationships, and it is what led you to have sex with a third woman during your first relationship. Definitely in the second relationship and probably in the first, you were in bed with the woman before having time to know who she was. All of this points to emotional decision-making based on physical lust. You said yourself that you connected with this older woman physically and emotionally. Logical reasoning doesn't appear in any of your decisions.
The proper thing to do is move out and straighten out your relationship with God. If you find someone you are interested in marrying, date her for a while without having sex. If the two of you decide that you want to make a lifelong commitment, marry, and only after the wedding, have sex.
Response:
Thank you. I pray that I will have the initiative that I need.
