What do I tell someone who desires to date a weak Christian?
Question:
Hi Mr. Jeff,
I emailed you several years ago. I wonder if you still answer emails. A lot has happened in my walk as a Christian, and I am very thankful that I've seen Christ's faithfulness more and more. May He be glorified in everything and in all things.
I want to ask a question about courtship. This isn't about my life, but about someone close to me. Someone is pursuing her, and we first advised her to pray and give the brother space because we can really see he is not yet ready; when he has issues, he suddenly pulls out of church. Simply put, he is a new believer.
She listened, then after a while, she went silent and didn't share with us. Then I heard from some church members that they were already officially in a relationship. I have advised my friend before to wait, because God's timing for everything is perfect, but I guess when we are in love, we don't listen anymore.
Now, this friend of mine is more than a sister to me. We went to mission field together for over a year, so I really care about her. She's planning to meet and tell me something (which I suspect is the official relationship she has with the brother).
Now I don't know what to advise her. I learned not to step ahead of God and seek accountability since the Lord has disciplined me so hard in the past. But anyway, I guess one won't really listen unless it is revealed through discipline; thus, the Word is revealed not by the head only but through the heart.
I guess I want to ask: what would you advise my friend? When someone wants to pursue someone within the church, how involved should church leaders be? What does it mean to be in courtship with purity and holiness?
I appreciate your response and help in advance. May the Lord be glorified in your life more and more.
Answer:
I'll continue answering questions as time allows. I plan to continue doing so as the Lord permits.
As you've noticed, advising someone about who to marry is difficult because emotions are high. People often ignore reasonable advice because they think their situation is different. All you can do is give good advice based on God's teaching and pray that some of it sinks in.
In this case, I would suggest asking her what type of man she wants to marry. After she shares a few points, ask how the man she is interested in fits with her interests. The goal is to encourage her to think about the potential future. If she says she can change him into a better person, ask whether she sees signs of him improving. If he isn't changing now, when it is in his interest to impress her, why would she think he will change later, when they are already married?
Avoid telling her who she should marry because, ultimately, it is her life and her decision.
Church leaders should help their members think through issues. They should point out things they might have overlooked in their consideration. They should step in to prevent sin. Thus, if it is learned that she is having sex with the man, then there must be a discussion with both of them about why sex outside of marriage is wrong.
