What do I do about my past affair?
Question:
I have been married for almost 30 years. I got married in my early twenties to my high school sweetheart for all the wrong reasons. I have really never been happy in this marriage. I have grown children. I had an affair with a man for ten years. We both were Catholics and this year I have been added to the church of Christ. Right after my baptism, I had seen this man again once, and I talk to him on the phone every day. He wants me to get divorced and marry him. What do I do? My husband also was added to the church of Christ we go to worship and Bible study, but my marriage is bad! How do I walk away from this affair when this man loves me so much and wants to be with me and my husband is mean emotionally to me and gambles every penny he makes? What do I do?
Answer:
"Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Hebrews 13:4).
You have no choice if you want to reach heaven. Adultery is a sin. If you run off with this man you'll be living in adultery. So change your phone number, delete this man's number and stop talking to him. He is urging you to sin and the only response is to remove such a man from your life.
Gambling is a sin and your husband needs help overcoming it. Encourage him to get the help he needs.
If your marriage is doing poorly, then work on it. You can't completely fix it because it takes two, but you can do your part so that you have no regrets. This life is temporary, the life to come is permanent, so keep your eye on the real goal.
Question:
Thank you for your answer. What do I tell this other man when he tells me he waited for me for ten years and then he starts crying and yelling at me? Also, my husband never found out about the ten-year affair, so do I tell him and ask for forgiveness? How do I stop the affair and turn away from my sin and be forgiven and go to heaven? I worry every day if I am forgiven.
Answer:
You can't get forgiveness for a sin you refuse to give up. The problem here is that you aren't truly convinced that you've done wrong. You continue to find excuses to delay and continue the sin. Until you repent, which means change your attitude toward your sin and change your behavior, you cannot ask God for forgiveness. "Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear. For your hands are defiled with blood, and your fingers with iniquity; your lips have spoken lies, Your tongue has muttered perversity. No one calls for justice, nor does any plead for truth. They trust in empty words and speak lies; they conceive evil and bring forth iniquity" (Isaiah 59:1-4).
I have no sympathy for a man who knowingly attempts to steal another man's wife. "So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; Whoever touches her shall not be innocent. People do not despise a thief If he steals to satisfy himself when he is starving. Yet when he is found, he must restore sevenfold; He may have to give up all the substance of his house. Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul. Wounds and dishonor he will get, And his reproach will not be wiped away" (Proverbs 6:29-33). This bum has no rights because he chose to pursue a woman he cannot have.
If you refuse to give up your sin, then your husband needs to know because he needs to decide whether he wants to continue living with an unfaithful wife. If you cut the bum out of your life, then telling your husband won't improve things because the sin has already been dealt with.
Question:
Thank you so very much for helping me see things right. Also, I don't feel my husband loves me like Jesus loves the church. How would I know if he does?
Answer:
When he is willing to put his life on the line for you. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her" (Ephesians 5:25).
But you are heading in the wrong direction. What you do in your marriage is up to you, even if your husband doesn't live up to his duties. That is a part of what a covenant is. He is to love you, but even if he is struggling with it, you still must love and respect him.
