What do I do about my abusive husband?
Question:
Sir, good morning.
I am in my mid-twenties. I married a guy from the same church I attend. He, also, is in his mid-twenties. He is a very short-tempered man.
I have completed my master's and he is completed high school. He trained to teach the Bible. He is a song leader and a part-time preacher. I was from Muslim and I came to know Christ several years ago.
I recently got married to this guy. However, he is always abusing me about my past publically. He abuses my father very badly. I don't have a mother, she died a number of years ago. My father didn't remarry.
My younger brother, who also got baptized, told me about Christ and told me to write a letter to you.
My in-laws don't like me or my family. My father-in-law had two marriages. He left his first wife after just two months of marriage. He too is a very short-tempered man. My husband is the son of his second wife. My husband is always beating me and himself. He breaks all the household items. He is always telling me that if I leave this house then he will commit suicide. Many times he tried to commit suicide. He is trying to emotionally blackmail me to stop me from telling anyone.
Our congregation doesn't support him but they did take both of us to a psychiatrist. Everyone is telling me that I am in the wrong. Because of all these things my dad, sisters, and the rest of my family are losing their faith in Christ. They refuse to get baptized. My father tells me not to stay with my husband.
Sir, in this case, what should I do according to the Bible?
Please reply soon. My situation is very bad.
Answer:
Please understand that I only know what you have told me and I'm going to assume that you haven't left out any critical information. The one thing that bothers me is that you said everyone tells you that you are in the wrong. I could understand this if your husband was good at hiding his temper when he is in public. I could see the members of the church being fooled by him. But a psychiatrist would be independent and should be able to see the problems when he talked to you both together and separately. While it puzzles me, I will set it aside.
Nothing in the Bible states that a husband has the right to abuse his wife. Nor is there a command that a wife must stay with a husband who is beating her. Divorce is to be avoided. "But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11). Notice that there is an exception clause. This exception is not about a husband committing adultery because Jesus implies in Matthew 19:9 that, in such a case, the wife could remarry after divorcing her husband. The command in I Corinthians 7:10-11 doesn't allow for a second marriage, so it must cover other situations. I believe your situation would be one of them. You can end your marriage but you need to understand that you are choosing to remain single until either the situation can be repaired or your husband has died (Romans 7:2-3).
Your husband is using the threat of committing suicide to keep you under his control. Please understand that if you choose to leave, then what your husband does is his own choice. You are not responsible for him making a sinful choice no matter what he may claim. I would warn you that if your husband thinks death is an escape (it is not) he might foolishly think that he can kill you as well as himself. For that reason, I would suggest that you go somewhere else until he can calm down. You should consider living in another community and attending a different congregation.
Question:
Sir,
Thank you so much sir for replying to me with biblical words.
Sir, what you said is true, but I am unable to move on from here. If I will go to my father's house, my husband will come there and shout. He is angry with me about small things. If I changed my facial expression, he would also get angry -- even in public, getting angry and shouting while riding his bike. He wants me to be with him very well.
I don't even know what is wrong with me. I am always told to keep a smile on my face. He still beats me, sir. He beats himself too and breaks things in the house. Sir, he would tear my books if I read them.
We are the only two people living in the house. I don't even talk to anyone. I don't even maintain any social contacts. I mostly stay at home and do household chores. Sir, how can I tell him that I want to prepare for a government job because we do not have any savings and we live in a rented house? Can I do my studies with him? Will he let me do the job? With all this happening, would it be okay to stay at home with him? I don't dare to move on, sir. He has scared me a lot.
Please reply, sir!
Answer:
I am puzzled about what you are looking for. You asked for my advice and I gave it, but you then proceed to dismiss it as if it wasn't possible.
You ask about how to change your husband, or at least, to get him to allow you to do things outside your home. People only change because they want to. From his point of view, he has what he wants and he believes that he will keep you by keeping you in constant fear.
The situation will only change when you decide to change and not accept his abuse. It will be difficult at first because he has been using violence to get you to comply so he will think that further violence will get you to stay. You will have to find somewhere to stay until he calms down. You may have to divorce him to get him to realize that his behavior is wrong. While I can point out the way to solve the problem, I can't make you take those steps. You have to make the choice and you have to put in the effort.
