What can I do about my mother-in-law’s interference?
Question:
I am feeling unhappy with my wife's mother yet again. Why can't she allow my wife and me to live our lives as a married couple? Yesterday, the three of us went to a family get-together. My wife had a seizure and her mother took control of the recovery of my wife. I am her husband. I promised within the wedding vows spoken that I would make my wife my first priority when it comes to all things, including her health. I had my wife's medication for when she needed it. Instead, her mother asked me for them. I then got up to help, and her mother said, "Oh, we don't need you there as well." I felt very angry, intimidated, and threatened about all this. I take my wedding vows seriously. By rights, it should be me who gets the first right for my wife's affairs in all things. If I need help, then I will ask for it. It should not be expected of me to take a back seat where my wife is concerned. I won't ever do that again. Next time, I will stand up to her mother on the spot.
I know that it is natural that her mother would care for her, but I feel she is stepping on my turf and making herself the head of our home. So, how do I approach talking to my wife's mother to ask her to back off from controlling Deidre's life? I have no clue where to start. I guess this is why I am having this problem.
I feel jealous because her mother is always telling my wife what to do with our house. This plainly isn't right. I should speak up and say to her. If her mother has a problem, she should address both my wife and me, but also let her know that my wife and I will be making all the decisions together. We will choose what advice to implement in our lives and what not to. My wife and I are in control of our lives. I certainly did not marry her mother. My mother-in-law has a habit of visiting our house and pointing out what we are doing wrong and how to fix it. She basically tells us what to do in our own home. We don't go to her house and tell her what to do, do we? What right does she have to do that to us? I know she is probably trying to help, but I feel that she is the main cause of our arguments and the main reason why my wife and I are having frequent fallouts. It is just not fair to either of us. Marriage is certainly not easy at times. However, love is what brings us through the other side.
I thank you for your help and time. May the Lord bless you for the awesome work you do for Him
Answer:
You are blaming your mother-in-law for what you have allowed. You are quite correct that your mother-in-law has more experience handling your wife's medical problems. To feel jealous of that is not productive. I won't feel jealous of a doctor treating my wife because I understand that he has more experience and can get the needed job done more efficiently than I could. Letting someone else help is not a threat to your authority as a husband.
Nor can you stop someone from offering advice. People do so all the time. What you can do is choose whether you follow it or not. Many people make the mistake of assuming that because they were given advice, they must consider it and put it into practice. You should be getting advice from people you know have been successful in the area you are interested in. Sometimes you will want your mother-in-law's advice. After all, she has a lot of experience in various areas that you are just now learning.
Now your wife is more experienced in handling her mother than you are. Let her know what is annoying you. Ask her if there is a way the two of you can tone your mother-in-law down a bit. There will come a time when it will be too much for her, even, and she will ask her "knight in shining armor" to rescue the situation -- then you can step in to put limits. If you see a situation getting to your wife, talk to her about the cause. Ask if you can step in or run interference for her. She'll appreciate your consideration.
