Should sex be expected when you are separated?
Question:
Hi, and God bless you.
Over two years ago my husband cheated and committed adultery with a married woman. After I found out, he was very mean about it and repeatedly humiliated me by saying that he loved her, and he never loved me. That all he wanted was to be with her. We separated for several months, and then he came back saying that she decided to stay with her husband. He asked me to forgive him and said he really loved me and that he was confused about his feelings. For the next two years, life was not the same. He would change from "I am not in love with you, but I do love you" to "I love you in my own way" to "I won't say how much I really love you because I don't deserve you." During this time we had another baby. I don't think that he has ever cheated again, but I couldn't keep living like that and told him to leave. He has been gone for nearly a year, but still wants to have sex with me. I told him that maybe with therapy we could reconcile and move on, but he refuses, saying that he doesn't want to move in with us anymore or divorce, but still wants to have sex with me because I am his wife. Biblically I don't know what is right anymore. Do I have to have sex with him, so that he doesn't go looking for some or can I divorce him, move on with my life and perhaps remarry in the future? I don't want to die alone.
Answer:
You accepted your husband back, though it appears that it was too soon as he hadn't made up his mind. His prior unfaithfulness is not a direct factor in this case. If you decide to divorce your husband, it would not be for adultery, so it would not allow you to marry another man. "Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11).
While I understand your disappointment and frustration with your husband's attitude, it remains that a poor attitude is a reason for working on the marriage, not for separating as you have done. Right now you only have a pretense of a marriage going because both of you aren't putting effort into keeping the marriage going.
The issue of whether to have sex when your husband doesn't live with you is focusing on the wrong thing. Fix the real issues that are keeping you two divided and this one will disappear. If you don't want to be alone, then find ways of encouraging your husband to be a husband. He has a lot of work to do as well, but this log jam needs to be released by someone.
Response:
Thank you very much for responding so quickly and for your advice. I really don't see a happy ending to my marriage, but at least now I know what the Bible says regarding my situation. Thank you again, and God bless you.
