Should my girlfriend see a guy who has been flirting with her?
Question:
My girlfriend has been friends with a guy for around the same length of time that I've known her. Recently, he said that he wanted to travel across the country to visit her. What makes us unsure if this is right or not is that for around a year, he flirted with her, even though she asked him to stop.
We know that some people may look at it badly, and one of her friends said, "Have you no shame?" when she told her. That made us question if it was biblically wrong because it would give a bad image. So then that brought about the question, would it be right to do it if nobody knew, so they didn't have a chance to think badly? If she did meet him, she would always be with a friend too, she would avoid being alone with him.
I have complete trust in her, but I don't trust him so much. But I think that's a normal reaction considering he flirted with her for so long after she told him to stop. This leads me to another question, is it wrong for me to have such a distrust of this guy? Is it a lack of forgiveness on my part toward him or is my concern realistic?
Answer:
"Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him" (Luke 17:3).
Forgiveness comes after a person changes his ways. That means he first has to be convinced that it isn't proper to flirt with a girl who already has a boyfriend. So, it isn't that you are being unforgiving, you are being realistic concerning the circumstances.
What is missing is why he would make a long journey just to see your girlfriend. Usually, large expenses mean there is something sought. It would be one thing that he was traveling for business and while he was in town he wants to say "Hi!" but when the apparent sole reason for the journey is to see your girlfriend, it begs the question, "Why?" Where will he be staying? How long is this visit?
If he is coming to see if there is any possibility of winning her heart, she ought to tell him not to bother coming.
To avoid a bad appearance, your girlfriend would need to both limit the amount of time spent together and to make sure someone else was always with her when he was around. Like Paul's precaution with the gift sent to Jerusalem, your girlfriend should take precautions with her reputation. "Avoiding this: that anyone should blame us in this lavish gift which is administered by us -- providing honorable things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men" (II Corinthians 8:20-21).
Question:
Thanks for your response. This has kind of brought up another issue:
We were discussing if he could be trusted and at one point she said that when he was talking to her cousin for the first time over MSN, he said things that shocked him and herself. I asked what that was and she refused to say because it wasn't about her and me.
So this leads me to a few questions about trust. Most of the trust I found in the Bible was specific to God, so I'm stuck for where to look.
First would be about hiding general things in a relationship. To what extent is this right to do, and how should the other person respond? I personally find it quite difficult and feel insulted, and my instinct tells me I shouldn't feel that way, but I'm very open with her, and I guess that hiding things isn't something I can understand well. Specific to the situation above, I was wondering if it would be right for her to not say it based on Proverbs 25:9-10?
For a couple aiming for marriage, what should the view of trust be? Is trust earned? Or as Paul said it is part of love, should a person not be concerned about their own image of being trustworthy, and expect it of someone who truly loves them?
Answer:
Even better are Proverbs 11:13 and 20:19. There are things told to me in confidence that I don't even mention to my wife, not because I don't trust her to keep that confidence, but because I was asked not to reveal something to other people. It appears to me she is keeping her cousin's trust.
Think about it this way, we are commanded to trust God (Psalms 18:30), yet God has not told us everything (Deuteronomy 29:29). That we don't know everything God knows does not mean we can't trust God.
Trust is what you give to another based on past evidence that they are worthy of trust. Based on what you said, this man is not trustworthy. That he said shocking things just reinforces the matter. So why does your girlfriend plan on meeting with him? You don't need to know the details, but you should help her see that this man isn't worthy of her trust or friendship.
