Should I wait for this man to marry me?
Question:
Hello,
I read at your site the many questions and the answers you gave were based on the Bible which was beautiful to see. I wanted to tell you something.
Over fifteen years ago, I made a choice not to have sex with a man until I get married. I met a man who used to be my neighbor and have known him for many years. He has told me he sees me in his future, that he loves me, and wants to commit and marry me, but nothing has transpired in that area. He and I are attracted to one another, and I really love him. I let things happen, going on nearly two years ago, like kissing and touching, but we did not have intercourse. I've prayed for him and believed he could realize that sex is not first in a relationship. He has gone off with other women and slept with them, but then told me he loves me and we always end up talking. He desires to be with me and have intercourse, as I do with him, and we have visited each other's church in the past, but still after five years, we are not really any further along. It is very hard because two years ago almost, as I said, I let him kiss and touch me and I feel like I messed up. I got connected with him in my heart and soul and we are not married.
It hurts me that he won't commit to me and just marry me, but I know he sleeps with other women in the meantime. I thought he loved me, I felt it and still do in my heart for him. Why can't I let go? I have not been with anyone and not kissed or anything since and there is no other man in my life. I can't stop praying for and thinking of him. I know the Lord said not to associate with anyone who calls themselves a brother and commits fornication, so I have been staying away. Why can't he realize how special our times were and that I'm special enough for him to commit? I feel so lonely and sad. I wish things could be different and he would change.
I need your advice. God bless you. Please write back.
Answer:
Let me see, you have a guy who regularly sleeps around with women while pretending to be a Christian (I Corinthians 6:9-10; Hebrews 13:4). He tells you what he wants to have sex with you, makes advances toward that goal, but you held him off. He also claims to love you and to want to marry you but in the intervening two years continues to sleep with other women and never proposes.
My dear, you are just another woman to conquer to this man. He will say anything you want to hear if it means he gets into your bed.
God teaches that you look first at what a person does over what a person says. "You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them" (Matthew 7:16-20). The man clearly indicates by his words and actions that he is a philanderer. He doesn't care about violating God's laws. He is not the type of man who would make a good husband.
Logically you know this, but you want this man anyway. "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered" (Proverbs 28:26). You have to make up your mind. Either you trust God or you go your own way and ruin your life.
"The integrity of the upright will guide them, but the perversity of the unfaithful will destroy them" (Proverbs 11:3).
Response:
I appreciate your writing back and scripture references. Totally in agreement with you.
No, I most certainly do not want him as he is. I pray for him, that God works in his heart and life and he desires to change and follow the Lord in a closer way; but if not, I do not desire to waste any more time thinking of it. I know all things are possible with God and I have been praying for God to soften his heart and open his eyes and ears, and that he will realize his ways are nonsense and following God's ways are best.
I also know that right now, I need to move on with my life because he has not proposed as you said, and, I guess, although I believe God has made me ready to be a wife, unfortunately, this man did not even value me at all. I believe that God has made me valuable and, really, I need to truly pray that I believe that so much that I can just let it go. I guess it is hard because I have waited so very long and so, I haven't really gone out with anyone or anything and he is my only "point of reference" as far as a guy in my life, so I keep thinking of him if I get lonely and so forth. I did love him from my heart, although his actions did not show love to me, so it is taking time to get over it.
You are right in what you have said and I am not, by God's grace, going to force my own will or anything, but just say, God, Thy will be done because if I tried to force something or manipulate it, it would have been more of the same, and I do not deserve that or want that.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, and God bless you for your time and for caring enough.
