Should I divorce? Can I remarry?
Question:
I am in need of your assistance, please. Your insight and views would be most appreciated with regards to my current situation. I will try and keep things as brief as possible yet provide you with as much detail as I possibly can, too.
When I met my husband, he was separated from his then-wife. She walked out on him, and he had filed for divorce at her request. Neither of them had committed adultery during their marriage. I met my husband while he was separated from his first wife. It took a year for their divorce to be finalized. During the course of that year, we moved in together. To make matters worse, at one stage, she indicated she would be willing to reconcile with him and forgive him for his relationship with me; however, he declined, making it clear that he had no interest in working on their marriage. There is no doubt in my mind, as I'm sure that there isn't in your mind, that I played a significant role in his reluctance to reconcile with his then-wife.
The divorce was finalized and a number of years later we got married. We are still married to this day.
That being said, we have both committed adultery during the past several years. We both met somebody else and entered into a physical relationship with them. Both of these people were unmarried. My husband's affair took place several years ago whereas mine was more recent. I did not have an affair in retaliation; I did it of my own accord - not that this would make any difference, of course. We subsequently found out about each other's affairs and although we have forgiven each other, I'm struggling to come to terms with all of this, to be honest. I can't say why we both committed adultery. We are not bad people and alcohol, drugs, etc. have never been a problem for either of us. This is just a case of us going down the wrong road.
I recently gave my life to the Lord (finally). I repented and confessed all of all my sins to the Lord. My husband has never really been the godly type, and as such, I am struggling to live in the same house as him as we are (obviously) on two completely different levels now. He says he is willing to work at our marriage, but I find it exceptionally difficult as I'm trying to move on and get closer to God whereas he is still in the denial phase of my adultery, and being under an unequal yoke is trying and challenging at the best of times, to say the least.
Since I have found God, I find that I'm constantly looking for answers and I'm constantly trying to do the right thing and I find myself going out of my mind sometimes. Perhaps it's because I'm fixed on never making the same mistakes again and never allowing the dark side to have a say in how I live my life from now on.
I'm also struggling because I don't feel as though I love my husband the way a wife should love her husband anymore. I know that I will always love him because we have been together for so many years now, but I honestly don't love him like a wife should love her husband, and I don't understand why not. I feel terrible about this as I hate admitting that to God, but I have been very honest with God about this. I feel regret and remorse for my actions and looking back, I cannot believe that I committed adultery or imagine how I could have hurt my husband the way I did, but I find myself staying with him out of guilt perhaps, and also because I don't want to do wrong by God any more than I already have, especially now that I am a child of God's. I really don't know what the right thing is. I have asked God and I know that God handles things in His own time - but I had so many more questions flooding my mind today, and I needed some clarification hence my email to you.
I'm seeing things from a completely different perspective now. For example, I would never have admitted to having committed adultery with my husband when we first met, not out of arrogance, but simply because he was separated and I would never have split up their marriage, but now that I am a Christian, I realize that I was an adulteress and I did split up their marriage and I have repented my sins and asked God for forgiveness.
My questions to you are as follows:
Does God actually recognize my marriage in light of the circumstances under which my husband and I got together? We committed adultery and then we got married. How does God view this? I understand that a covenant before God is a covenant but I would appreciate your thoughts and views on this?
Also, I know that God frowns upon divorce, and I am really trying to do the right thing by God, so would it be wrong for us to get divorced? And if we did get divorced, would it be a sin for me to marry a fellow Christian? What would God not permit? What would be even more wrong for me to do?
I thank you in advance for your assistance and look forward to receiving your response.
Answer:
Almost all of your questions become moot points because of your husband's initial marriage. They did not divorce because of sexual sins on either one's part. Therefore, neither have the right to marry again. "So He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery" " (Mark 10:11-12). Their only true option was to reconcile. "And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, let not the wife depart from her husband: but and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife" (I Corinthians 7:10-11).
Thus, your relationship and marriage to this man have always been adulterous. "For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man" (Romans 7:2-3).
The only way to correct this problem is to leave this false marriage. Continuing in adultery doesn't make the sin go away.
I'm sure we could find someone who might argue differently, but most Christians I know argue that since this marriage was not one recognized by God, and assuming you were not married before, it would be mean you could marry someone who had the right to be married and have a real marriage.
Response:
Thank you ever so much. I appreciate your time and assistance. Thank you for pointing out the obvious too. I think sometimes we know these things (it took me being reborn to see the light), but we hide away from the facts in the darkness.
Thanks again.
