My wife told me she had sex before we were married, and I can’t let it go
Question:
We have been married for nearly 40 years. About two years ago, in an argument over needing to enjoy each other in bed while we can because someday we want to be able to, somehow things I didn't know came out.
When we started dating, my wife played the organ in a Baptist church. Her father was a Deacon in the church where she was raised. Most all of her family worshiped there. On one of our dates when we started dating steady, we were talking about sex and she told me she made a mistake one time. It just happened and she had asked the Lord for forgiveness for her mistake.
In the discussion two years ago, I found out her mistake happened when she was 16 years old. For some reason, I assumed she was a little older. I asked if that was the only time, and she said yes.
The next night I thought about the first year we were married. She had a bad outbreak of rash or something on her private parts. I never thought anything about it other than it being a rash for some reason, so on the second night of our discussion I just up and asked "Where did you get herpes?" She said, from a guy in her first year of college that she attended. She was home every night. I asked, "Why? After your first experience, you said you were so upset and ashamed." She said, "I really liked this guy and his family a lot. We broke up after that." I'm not sure if it was her rash breaking out within a week or if he broke it off."
So that was the second person. Could be more or maybe not what I want to believe. I cannot ease this out of my mind, I guess because of the way she lived her life when we started dating. Her parents were the most perfect people on the earth in my mind, and I loved them for that and raising an almost perfect Christian daughter in my eyes then.
For some reason, I have tried to discuss her teen years to work through this in my mind to how or what made this happen. She has talked very little and said if you're a true Christian you would forgive and drop it. I can't until we discuss her dating years. I don't want to leave her at all. Our married life has been almost perfect. We've worked very hard and don't want for anything. We're young at heart and actions. We don't act our age at all.
The end result is I am almost driving myself crazy. It's on my mind when I go to bed and when I get up. I take a pill in the morning when I get up to keep me calm and it helps me forget or cope -- not sure. I have broken down several times over the last two years in front of her. I sometimes think in her mind what she did that I never knew about is OK with her and the Lord and I are the ones with the problem. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a saint. We each had our mistakes before and, in my mind, we were even, if that makes any sense. I told her in most people's eyes it's twice as bad when it's a female in her teen years than a male. She said there is no difference between males and females. All I want to do is talk it through and get the truth.
Any reply would be greatly honored. Thank you very much for reading and listening to me ramble on!
Answer:
From what you said, she was promiscuous before you and she married. She told you about one incident but lied about how many people she has had sex with. In a moment of anger, she told you about a second incident that happened over 40 years ago. She told you she had repented of her sin.
The problem is that you are getting worked up over something that really has nothing to do with you or your relationship with your wife. The woman you married and love is still the same person. What she did before you chose to marry her is between her and the Lord. Yes, she should have told you she had herpes in advance because that did affect you, but the rest wasn't against you. She was sinning against herself. You can't offer her forgiveness for her past sexual life because you are not the one she harmed. But for the sins she did commit against you: the lie and the STD are things you must offer forgiveness for; it isn't an option on your part. "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14-15).
Sin is sin. It doesn't matter if a sin is committed by a male or female. It doesn't matter what people think, only what God thinks matters and to Him all sins are alike (I John 3:4; see Revelation 21:8 as an example).
Your knowledge of the details (how many men, how many times, who were they, etc.) will do you no good. Nor will it change anything between you and your wife. What will make a difference is for you to let all of this go.
I can't help noticing that you talked about your own personal sins during your youth. Isn't sad that you are willing to forgive yourself for what you did wrong, but you can't let go of sins that someone else did?
