My wife lied about her virginity. Can I divorce her?

Question:

Hello,

I have gone through many of your articles and answers, but still, I am doubtful on the exception clause of Matthew 5:31-32. I have a few questions to ask you. It would be better to quote Bible verses so I can go by the word of God.

The question is regarding my marriage to a born-again baptized girl. My wife was in a relationship with a guy before I met her. She also had an abortion because of that relationship. I came to know about the fact through some of my colleagues where this guy was working when I shifted to that place for work. My wife hid her past from me. I couldn't talk to her directly about it because I worried about how she would react. I found out about it after three months of marriage. I got separated from her for a year and a half. Later, due to her insistence, I changed my mind and took her back. During our fights. I brought up her past but she denied it saying that while married, she was pure and sanctified by the blood of Christ. She was hurt a lot. I guess she meant she repented. I felt bad because it happened after her baptism. How can a born-again child get into such sins when they know God hates fornication? This was my doubt. It made it difficult to forgive her and also to face my colleagues who look down on me because of my wife. That's when I heard a sermon regarding divorce and came to Matthew 5:31-32. We have consummated four years of marriage. Can I divorce her now based on Matthew 5:31-32? I know if one repents, we have to forgive. I will forgive her but it makes me ashamed to face others. I didn't have a sexual past. I dated but I never went for any sort of sexual activity. I kept myself for marriage.

My younger brother is in a relationship with a girl. They both are born-again. They have a good relationship. They are also having sex. His girlfriend is not ready to marry in the church or community. So, they took marriage vows in front of a few family members and close friends. They also exchanged rings. Now she is not willing to register or sign any documents regarding their marriage. He is really upset. She says she doesn't want any legal formalities or records. She loves the way she is and is committed to the relationship. Is their marriage a marriage in God's eye or are they committing fornication? I read your answers regarding covenant marriages. In their marriage, there were just vows, witnesses, and exchange of rings. There is no record. She also had ex-boyfriends and my brother is worried that she might him and go away one day.

I am sorry for being long on these questions. I am waiting for your reply.

Thank you.

Answer:

You knew about the fact that your wife was not a virgin when you married after three months of being married to her. You separated for a year and a half. You did not state whether the separation was due to finding out she lied to you about her past or not. You did get back together and now you've been married for four years. This tells me that you've been together for at least two years with you knowing she wasn't a virgin before you got married and you took her back knowing this as well. The evidence is that you had forgiven her of her past.

What she did was wrong. Fornication was wrong. The abortion was wrong. The lying to cover it up was wrong as well. However, I noted that she has stated that she has been faithful to you in marriage.

Matthew 5:31-32 is a warning that a husband who divorces his wife may cause her to commit sexual sin. In other words, he is going to be held guilty before God for pushing his wife into sin. The exception is that if she is already guilty of fornication, then he can't be responsible because she was involved in sexual sins before the divorce. The implication is that the wife's fornication is a current problem, not one that was in the past.

What I pick up from your message is that you and your wife have been fighting. You are not inclined to resolve the problems because you are holding her past against her. You also have a problem with pride. She, on her part, is fearful that you will abandon her so she holds on to her lies about her past. You are both in sin and you both need to resolve the issues.

Think about it for a moment. You are embarrassed that you married a woman who was not a virgin, but the person who caused you this embarrassment is a bum who had used a woman and then abandoned her. He probably is also the one who insisted that she get an abortion and murder the child he fathered. Your wife knows she made a grave mistake and changed. I would not be surprised if this guy has never changed. Yet, you hold him in higher esteem than your wife.

Clearly being a Christian doesn't stop people from sinning. In writing to Christians, John said, "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us" (I John 1:8-10). Christianity is not about never sinning. It is about changing, growing, and battling sin. "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world" (I Peter 5:8-9). If you don't understand that a Christian can fall prey to sin, then you won't last long as a Christian.

Paul once told the Corinthian brethren that they needed to take a firm stand against a brother who was committing fornication with his stepmother. They withdrew from him, but a year later Paul writes because the brethren refused to receive him back after he repented. "But if any has caused sorrow, he has caused sorrow not to me, but in some degree -- in order not to say too much -- to all of you. Sufficient for such a one is this punishment which was inflicted by the majority, so that on the contrary you should rather forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a one might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him" (II Corinthians 2:5-8). The same is happening to your wife. She has changed, but you don't recognize her improvements and so you are discouraging her from being a better Christian. Have you forgotten that it isn't enough to just get yourself to heaven? A Christian's goal is to encourage as many as he can to reach for God and that includes your wife.

In regards to your brother. I'm not in a position to determine whether he is really married or not. I find it odd that you talk about his girlfriend and not his wife. That hints that you don't think he is married.

Regarding the woman he believes he married, she is violating the command to be in submission to the government. "Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves" (Romans 13:1-2). The government requires a record of marriages (for good reasons). She doesn't want her wedding recorded, so I'm left wondering why she is unwilling to admit she is married. Does she plan not to honor her word one day, as your brother fears? She might not want any "legal formalities or records" but that isn't something to take pride in. It doesn't make her a better woman.

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