My wife deprives me from sex
Question:
Hi Minister,
I have read many of your responses to challenging questions. Please help me.
I have been married for more than ten years. My wife has deprived me of sex to the point that the rejection felt so bad that I started looking for products I can use to get rid of my sexual desires permanently. But to no avail. We will only have sex when she wants to. If it means she goes without for years, it is not a problem for her.
She has a child from her previous relationship. That child came because of sex outside of wedlock. They dated for nearly ten years. I know the guy. He would have left her long ago if she did to him what she's doing to me.
She made me hate sex. Why is it so hard? Why must it be something I have to fight for?
Recently, I chatted with one of her exes, pretending to be her. I was looking for answers as to why she is like this. Was she like this toward her exes or just me? The response I got from the chat made me sick. The guy responded, "What made you think of messaging me? Is it because you are having flashbacks of what I used to do to you?" He remembers everything,
Since that time, I can't get it out of my mind. Whenever she rejects me, what the guy said comes to my mind. Why did the ex enjoy all the benefits I was supposed to have?
She never makes any effort to make things romantic.
I don't know how to get these thoughts out of my mind because as soon as she comes up with excuses, the ex's words come to mind.
Answer:
The problem with the situation is that you can't make a sinner do what is right. Your wife is violating what Paul said in I Corinthians 7:1-5. The problem is how to deal with the problems caused by your wife's bad decisions.
At the worst, you know how to live without sex since you had to spend years without it as a teenager. It isn't pleasant. It isn't how marriage is supposed to be, but it is better than falling into sin yourself. "For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it" (Matthew 19:12).
While the male body physically needs ejaculation, a woman doesn't have a physical driving need for sex. To a woman, sex is an expression of her desire for you. Therefore, a woman who doesn't view her husband romantically isn't usually interested in sex. Thus, a part of your problem is due to a breakdown in your relationship. Here, you can make improvements. It might not spur her sexual interest, but it will help your marriage.
Instead of waiting for her, do romantic things for her: Leave her love notes, take her out on dates, tell her what you appreciate about her, and do kind things for her. Do all these things without expectation of sex. Do it because they make your marriage better and happier. "Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).
