My husband is living with another woman, should I divorce him?
Question:
I am a member of the church of Christ. I am now battling with the decision to divorce my husband. I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for about five years. He got baptized while we dated. I was born and raised in the church, but he never had a real spiritual foundation. I grew up in a two-parent home; he didn't grow up with any of his parents but his aunts and grandparents, as his mom had him with a married man. The first year was probably our happiest year, which I figure is normal. By the second year, my husband began to change. I was involved in the church at the time teaching Sunday school.
I felt as if my husband was becoming bored with my Christian nature, and it was then I began to imitate the woman of the world to appease him more. An acquaintance of ours told me he was seeking to have relations with one of his ex-girlfriends, I was very hurt. I asked him about it and he kept saying they were just friends. I never believed him because I knew his female friends. If she was one too, why not tell me about her? Why keep her a secret? It was then I became friends with another female, and I confided in her.
The girl was gay all my life. I never had a gay friend or even liked gay people because of how I was brought up. I knew she liked me, but I would never leave my husband for her. The following year I found a number for another one of my husband's exes in his phone. When I asked him about it, he said she contacted him and he just used to talk to her to make himself feel good because she dumped him and now she would say she misses him.
I was hurting again, my self-esteem became so low I would always ask him about his exes and then I relied on gay girls to make me feel better about myself. When my husband would have sex with me it was so impersonal it was as like he had no feelings for me. I fought most of my marriage life to stay in the church because my husband wasn't all that interested. We had a friendship, or so I thought. I would tell him about the girls, how they liked me and would ask him how he felt about it, but he didn't care. Some of them even became his friends. Last year I started to feel really bad about it after one, in particular, tried to get me to leave my husband as I would tell her how he would neglect me.
I confided in a church sister. She prayed for me and helped me to get out of this web. She became like an accountability partner. I felt good to know that I was freeing myself from something God hates. I also became pregnant shortly after. I was happy and so was my husband, even though we weren't trying. He would come to the doctor's visits with me. Around six months into my pregnancy, I suspected that my husband was having an affair. He became abusive, would go out, and would hide his phone. I had left for a few days after one fight because I was afraid of losing the baby. In the seventh month, he told me he was talking to someone, but they had not slept together. That same month I came back home after he told me this and found a sex video on his phone. I went to stay with my parents for a few days because I was so depressed. I returned to clean our marital home one day to find that I was locked out of the house. I was 8 months pregnant and locked out. I didn't hear from him in a month. He didn't even know when I went into labor.
After I had the baby I called him. I thought he would come around. It's been five months since my husband and I have been living separately. He moved a girl in. My baby and I are living with my parents. I've tried to reconcile. He doesn't want to. He says he can't see himself spending the rest of his life with me. I am in grievous emotional pain on top of caring for an infant by myself. I am still willing to forgive the affair as I know God forgave me. But I can't force him to take me back, especially when he has started a life with this young girl. I don't know what else to do. One of his close friends told me that my husband cheated on me most of my marriage and that he has a sex problem, but I find this hard to believe I don't know.
I feel like I have the right, based on the Scripture that says if the unbeliever departs let him leave. I am not under bondage to him. Also, he committed adultery. My battle is if I divorce now, will it be considered as me being anxious (the Bible says to be anxious for nothing). My husband throws in my face I caused him to do it because of my past friendships, and also I forced him into the girl's arms when I left the house. I only left because I was pregnant and overwhelmed.
I need help. Is this a door God has shut or do I just wait around for him to hopefully end the affair, which he may or may not do? He doesn't want counseling. When our minister tried to reach out to him and he didn't want to talk to him. It's been 5 months and nothing is getting better. I'm in my mid-twenties and I don't want to be tempted to commit adultery because I'm waiting on a wayward husband. I have put certain things behind me. I've repented to God with godly remorse but because my husband hangs my past over my head like a cloud, I haven't filed for divorce, neither do I want to lie in court because I know he will use that as ammunition as to why he had the affair. Please help me. (I beat myself up. I guess I reaped what I sowed.)
Answer:
I'm left with the impression that I'm not hearing the whole story. For example, you are vague about whether you just confided in women who were lesbians, or whether you actually got sexually involved with them. I assume you were just talking for right now. I find it sad that you took your problems, not only to people who could not help you but people who were motivated to give you bad advice.
What I see throughout your story is that both you and your husband used perceived problems as justification to do things you both knew were wrong. "And why not say, "Let us do evil that good may come"? -- as we are slanderously reported and as some affirm that we say. Their condemnation is just" (Romans 3:8). I don't know when his affairs started, but it was likely in the second or third year. Your poor attempts at making him jealous with the girls you were talking to probably just pushed the events faster.
That he blames you for his sins is typical of many sinners. The fact that no one is forced to sin is never considered (I Corinthians 10:13). You are responsible for your sins, and he is responsible for his sins.
Currently, he is committing adultery. You don't have to remain married to him. "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9). The problem is that when he gets tired of the current girl, he is more likely to just start in with another girl. Unless something gets him to understand how miserable his current life is and that his soul is in jeopardy, he won't change.
The statement "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" (Philippians 4:6) is about worry. This problem of yours is not due to worrying. It exists because your husband is in sin.
In the current state of affairs, divorces no longer have to be proven. Get a good lawyer and make sure the judge knows that your husband has been uninvolved with your child from before the child was born. Ask for full custody -- though you may not likely get it. Your husband will most likely owe child support until your child is an adult. The state will handle making sure the payments are made.
Even if you do get a divorce, it doesn't mean you can't remarry your husband if he changes. But if he doesn't, then you could remarry if you so choose. However, I strongly suggest that you don't rush into things. You made some mistakes in picking a husband the first time. You don't want to repeat those mistakes. Focus instead on raising your child.
