My boyfriend and I have been having sex for a while. I realize it is wrong, but I don’t know how to straighten this out
Question:
My boyfriend and I are both Christians and have been dating for two years now. About a year ago we started sinning. Although, I realize now that what we were doing prior to that was wrong as well. It always seems like every time I talked with him and told him that I didn't want to take it further, somehow it ended up going further anyway. I feel horrible for not stopping it while I still had the chance, but I really felt like I loved him and those physical activities would follow. I realize this to be wrong as well. More recently, I told him that I felt God telling me to stop doing anything physical. After some intense discussion, we did stop. But, a few months later, he came to me and said that he'd been praying about it, and he felt God telling him that God had chosen us for one another and that, in His eyes, we were married. But now, I feel that to be completely wrong. The problem is that every time I try and bring up this conversation, somehow it ends up being dropped and everything goes back to how it was before. I've been honestly praying about this, but sometimes it's just so hard to hear what God wants me to do. I don't know if I should distance myself or if I should adamantly demand a return to purity. We had talked about our future together before, and we have the same views on almost everything except for this matter. I just don't know what to do anymore and would like some guidance.
Answer:
The problem is that both of you are arguing from feelings, not facts. It becomes a never-ending argument because in the realm of opinions one person's opinions are just as good as another person's. So let's look at the facts:
You are not married. Marriage is making a covenant between two people before God and before witnesses. "Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant" (Malachi 2:14). Therefore, what you both are involved in is fornication (having sex outside of marriage). "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). So while you both claim to be Christians, the reality is that as things stand neither of you is heading toward heaven unless you make some major course corrections.
This also means that your boyfriend is claiming that God is encouraging his sin of fornication. Since there is no sin in God, and He doesn't change His mind about sin. "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning" (James 1:17). What your boyfriend is doing is taking his own desires and calling them God's for his own sinful purpose -- his motives are not pure.
In a similar way, you aren't being honest with yourself either. God has been quite clear in His Word concerning the sinfulness of fornication. Yet, you claim that you don't know what God wants you to do. That isn't the truth. You might be looking for more, but God has given you exactly what He has told the whole world. Why are you saying you need more to believe Him? "Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says, "I know Him," and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked" (I John 2:3-6).
I take it that you are willing to marry this man. That is a decision I cannot make for you. All I can say is that at the moment you have gotten completely off on the wrong foot. However, there is a very simple test that God laid out at the beginning. If he is serious about wanting to claim you are married, then prove it. No more sex and no more living together until after he marries you for real. It doesn't have to be an elaborate wedding. It can be a simple ceremony in front of the justice of the peace. If he leaves you, then you know he lied and never considered himself married.
