I’ve repented, so why am I suffering?
Question:
Is God a respecter of persons? Why is my life confused, bitter, and I even want to kill my husband for what he is doing in my life? I live for God and I tried to live the right way. I have done many wrong things in my past, but I have repented of the bad and ugly things.
I do not succeed in anything. My marriage life is horrible. I don’t have a permanent job. I am swimming in debts. I had problems with my children. I had problems with my neighbors. And what is the use of having a life if all that is important is lacking?
I don’t see God’s hand on my life anymore. I just feel bitterness. I going to divorced my husband, but then I must pay for the divorced -- another debt. Why can’t God also give him a punishment like I have to go through? He left me with a lot of debts, especially the rent of my home.
God gave Adam all his responsibilities, love, and success. Then He made Eve out of his rib to maintain his family and love as his wife. What about me? No one is looking after me. It is not good for man to be alone. Why I’m alone? If one gets weary the other one can pick up the other. When it is going to happen to me?
How will I tell my children it is going to be okay if their mother is suffering? Why has God forsaken me? Doesn’t he love me anymore? I can’t feel His presence anymore!
Please help me. I don’t love myself anymore.
Answer:
Let me understand what you are saying. You admit that you have made a number of bad choices in your life, which has left you in a bad way. You claim that you are sorry for your mistakes, but it is now somehow it is God's fault that the consequences of your bad choices are not instantly removed?
God has given us instruction on how to live life to the fullest; "as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue" (II Peter 1:3). There is a reason that God tells us that certain ways of living life works and other ways fail. God promises, "But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does" (James 1:25). Yet you say that you have been a forgetful hearer and you grumble that you are not blessed. God gives laws for our good, but when they are broken we can expect that harm will result (Deuteronomy 10:13).
God is not a respecter of people. "For there is no partiality with God. For as many as have sinned without law will also perish without law, and as many as have sinned in the law will be judged by the law for not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified" (Romans 2:11-13). Justice requires that everyone is treated in the same manner. Sins and bad choices carry consequences. Just because you claim to be a follower of God, it doesn't mean you get to avoid those consequences. What we gain as children of God is knowledge regarding what choice we ought to make and when we follow the teachings of God our lives improve.
You made a bad choice when you selected your husband. Misery came as a result. Whose fault was that, yours or God's? Even after learning that he was a bad man, and even after divorcing him, you took him back in under a month when he asked. It turned out that he had not changed a bit. Whose fault was that? You complain about the expense you are going to have to incur to divorce him again, but who chose to take him back without evidence of change?
A part of repentance is an effort to correct past mistakes. "Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter" (II Corinthians 7:9-11). You have children dependent on their mother; they certainly can't depend on their father. You have no time to waste wallowing in self-induced misery. Don't tell them everything is going to be all right. Show them strength of character. Show them that no matter how bad things become, you won't let the world pull you down. These will be the lessons they take with them through the rest of their lives. Teach them by your example of how not to become a victim, but a worker and a fighter.
The Bible teaches you how to be pleasing to God. It teaches you how to make good choices. It instructs you how to get along with your fellow men. Open up its pages and learn. You're going to make mistakes. When you do, it won't be the Bible's fault. Work to correct the mistakes and move on. Learn from your errors and don't repeat them. Grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord.
And as far as your husband, let God handle him. "Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Therefore "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:17-21). You have enough to do. Let God handle the rest.
