I’ve been sleeping with my fiance. I know it is wrong, but will God still love me?
Question:
My fiance and I were sleeping together. One day I had sexual intercourse with him, though I know that is wrong in the sight of God. For the past few weeks I talked to one of the older women of the church because I would like to have deliverance, but, unfortunately, I was not able to meet her for some reason. Then she told me that the Lord impress it upon her that I don't need anybody. What I need is the Lord alone and I need to quit sinning. So I quit and repented, but after a few weeks, I went back to sinning. I had decided not to sleep with my fiance, but now we are sleeping together. We don't have sex, but there are times we are acting like husband and wife. It is happening every day, but every day I keep on asking God for His forgiveness. One day I dreamt about us. I saw him shoot me in the head with a gun and I saw his face was like a demon. I was so afraid that night. Then it came to my mind that maybe the reason for the dream was because I was continuing to sin. What is the best thing to do? Do you think that the Lord will still love me and accept me for who I am? Please pray for me that I will be consistent in my faith. Actually I want to quit, but there are times the enemy is attacking me.
Answer:
I don't know what church you attend. Many claim to receive direct revelations from the Lord, despite Paul's statement: "Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away" (I Corinthians 13:8). A prophet is someone who relays messages directly from God to other men. Such was prevalent when the church first began, but God said it was going to end. It doesn't take much effort to realize that a few verses later to realize that prophecy would end when the New Testament was completely revealed. Yet, you have a woman claiming to receive messages directly from the Lord. She doesn't show you what the Scriptures teach, nor does she feel the need to do so. She has more confidence in her "messages" than she does in the truth.
So let's put this back into the realm of truth. What you and your fiance are doing is called fornication -- you are having sex without being married. "Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God" (I Corinthians 6:9-10). You state that you only had intercourse once, but that you and he "have been acting like husband and wife." By that, I must assume you mean that, at the least, you are involved in sexual touching, the actions that normally lead up to intercourse, even though you are not allowing him to put his penis into you. But since foreplay, or sexual touching, is the beginning parts of sexual expression, it is just as much fornication as when you went to completion. "Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband" (I Corinthians 7:1-2). Paul is not talking about casual touching, such as holding hands, but sexual touching, such as what you two have been doing.
Solomon had warned, "Can a man take fire to his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals, and his feet not be seared? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; whoever touches her shall not be innocent" (Proverbs 6:27-29). Though he was discussing adultery in this passage, the same questions apply to your situation. Just what do you think is going to happen when a man and a woman sleep together? You might claim that sex was never intended, but as Solomon points out, you are not innocent in this matter. You're not that stupid. You knew what this would lead to, but you did it anyway. Then after you gave into full intercourse, you continue to sleep with a man to whom you are not married. You know full well what has happened will continue to happen. So take off the blindfold and stop deceiving yourself.
Just this morning we covered a verse in Proverbs that applies to your question. "The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the LORD, but the prayer of the upright is His delight" (Proverbs 15:8). God taught the Israelites under their covenant with God to give sacrifices for their sins. But what Solomon states is that when wicked people -- people who continue in their sins -- offer sacrifices, He finds the matter sickening and disgusting.
There is one simple reason why God is not answering your prayers. You say you want forgiveness of your sins, but you have made no effort to leave those sins. You think you can play God for a fool, but it is you who are looking foolish. "Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear" (Isaiah 59:1-2). If you realize that what you are doing is wrong, then why are you continuing to commit these sins? If you think it is acceptable to "play" husband and wife with a man to whom you are not married, then why are you seeking God's forgiveness? "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways" (James 1:6-8).
Let's put it in black and white terms. It is sinful for you to be sleeping with a man who is not your husband. It is sinful for you to be "acting" like husband and wife when you are not. It was sinful for you to have had sexual intercourse when you were not married. Therefore, the number one thing to do is stop sinning! Move out. Stop living with a man who wants to take advantage of you without any obligations on his own part. If he wants you in his bed and in his life, then he needs to marry you. Let him prove his willingness to commit his life to you before he gets the benefits of having you around. "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the bed be undefiled: but God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers" (Hebrews 13:4).
When you prove willing to abide by God's teachings, then you can approach Him for forgiveness when you break His laws. ""But if a wicked man turns from all his sins which he has committed, keeps all My statutes, and does what is lawful and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; because of the righteousness which he has done, he shall live. Do I have any pleasure at all that the wicked should die?" says the Lord GOD, "and not that he should turn from his ways and live?"" (Ezekiel 18:21-23).
Question:
Thank you so much for your help. I hope by this time my mind would be open to reality right now. I just want to be honest. I felt that I am not worth anything to the Lord, that I am a great sinner. I want to cry because I totally lost my identity as a Christian. I really lost myself. What can I do to talk to my fiance? I told him that it is not good in the sight of God to sleep together, but there are times that he is not listening, like what happened yesterday night, though I told him that it is not good, still he slept in my bed but nothing happens, but I know that I cannot justify these things. I felt bad. I hate myself for what I am doing. I want right now is to come back to the Lord, but how can I? Though I will ask for forgiveness, I feel so unworthy to the Lord. How can I convince my fiance not to sleep with me? I am afraid to lose my fiance, but I am also afraid to be lost again -- I mean to be totally lost in the presence of God. I don't want to be in the darkness again. Please pray for us. I am so depressed, so bothered for what is happening to me. Do I need to break up with him because we are both hard-headed?
Answer:
I realize that it is difficult, due to language barriers, to pick up all that I said. But please read through the prior note again. I didn't say to just stop sleeping with this man. I told you to move out of the house until you are married to him. If this causes him to no longer want to marry you, then you have your answer -- he is not your type of man.
If he is like many other men whom I've seen in similar situations, he has promised to marry you one day but no date has been set. Or, if a date is given it gets postponed for various reasons so that it never really happens. The reason is simple. He has a woman in his home to take care of things. He can crawl into her bed whenever he wants. He might not get full intercourse, but he can play with her body, and she with his. Besides, if he is patient enough, he knows she will give in -- she's already done it once. Why should he consider getting married? What is he missing?
"For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts" (II Timothy 3:6). These types of men prey on women who tend to believe anything they want to hear -- and words are cheap. They look for women who aren't confident, who feel guilty. They trap them by using sexual lust to lead them into doing things they know they ought not to do and then letting them feel that it is all their own fault. They won't leave because they don't believe anyone else will have them. They won't give up their sins because they believe the Lord won't have them. So they continue on, going further into sin and feeling more miserable every day. Sound familiar?
If you want to follow Christ, then move out today. Let him know you've decided not to sin any longer. Make sure he knows you will move back in, but only as his wife. If he is a good man, then he'll run to get the marriage arranged because he doesn't want to lose you. If he isn't as good of a man as you hoped, he'll be finding another weak-willed woman to move into his home. And such a man you don't want in your life.
After you have taken back control of your life, after you have moved out, then go to the Lord in prayer and tell him how foolish you had been and ask for forgiveness. Then move on avoiding the mistakes you made in the past. But don't make other people responsible for the ending of your sins. It is your life and it is your choice.
Question:
I got your mail and I learned a lot from you. I want to share a few things with you. A few days ago, I decided not to allow him to sleep in my room anymore because I told myself that this is a new year and I really want to follow God and change the way I am. Before, actually every weekend, my fiance comes to our house, which is his sister's house and where I am living right now. So two days each week he stays here, but starting yesterday he didn't insist on sleeping in my room. I just explained to him all those things. Actually, yesterday we had some conversation about marriage. He really wants to get married this April or May, but the problem is we don't have enough money. I cannot really decide because I am still helping my sister in the Philippines. But both of us really want to get married. One day I asked him like this: Are you really wanting to marry me because you just want to have a baby? I remembered that he told me if he had a girlfriend he would want that girl to be the mother of his future children. Right now I really desire to get more fire in my heart for the Lord. How can I be assured that he really loves me though he is listening to me for what I am saying? Sometimes he gets hard-headed but later on, he will realize what he had done to me.
Answer:
You will know that he loves you by how he treats you -- not just in the major things, but in all the little things. Take some time in the next few days to study The Greatest Love Song Written. Love is not something forced but something that develops between two people who truly care about each other. Far too many people mistake the physical actions of sex as "love." But rushing into sex, they think they are speeding up love. But far too often they ruin the tender buds of love by their rush.
Not being able to afford to get married is an old line used by some to put off marriage while they press for sexual activity. It is surprising how many make the claim that they can't afford to do get married, yet they are living in the same home. I once asked a couple living in fornication what would change in their situation financially if they got married that day. They couldn't think of one thing.
I'm glad you were able to talk sense into your fiance, and I hope that it will last until you get married. I'm also glad that you are not living together at this time.
Since you have a target date (roughly), sit down and figure out what the expenses will actually be. There will be the fixed costs of the actually wedding and there will be continuing costs of being a family. While some people spend way too much money on weddings, you can get married in most countries with very little money. Sometimes you can still have a big celebration without a big expense, simply by being creative with your plans.
Ongoing obligations, because you are married, are generally smaller than most people realize, or are non-existent. The question is more of whether the two of you can live within your combined income. Still, these are things that need to be worked out now and not put off until after you are married. As you discuss these things and work toward the goal together, you will get a good idea of what working with this man will be like after your marriage.
Question:
Actually this Saturday he will go back to work because his vacation is over. Last night I was lonely maybe because I had a fever. When we were about to sleep he asked me if I was not feeling well. I told him yes. He told me ok just go to sleep and get some rest. Before I went to sleep I prayed and realized what I had done to the Lord, to my life, and to our relationship. While I am praying I couldn't stop crying because I know I sinned against the Lord and I asked for His forgiveness. One thing that came to my mind is that I miss God so much. I know that I am not worth it anymore. After that, I laid down. He was there and hugged me and told me to stop crying. I cried again and I told him you can go now (outside) and sleep. Right now I thank God for that because I thought about the verse in the Bible that whenever you look at a person and think lustfully you commit adultery. Thank you for your advice. I pray that this is not only for today but an eternal change in our lives and in our relationship. Please pray for us. Actually I really want to get married, but my mom has not yet agreed. Thank you so much. I hope that you will touch more lives.
Answer:
I assume you are of the age that requires parental consent before you can marry. Is your fiance of the proper age or does he have his parents' consent? If what is holding things up is your mother, ask her what is her concern. Let her know that you are struggling with avoiding sin and that you don't want to give in. Discuss I Corinthians 7:1-9 with her and ask her what she would advise. You might be surprised as to what she says.
Question:
I would like to know if it is also a sin in this situation: we are not sleeping together. In the evening he will go to the salas and there he sleeps. But when he wakes up in the morning he needs to wake me up, like every Friday that we need to go to church or on Saturday that I need to go to the office. Though he doesn't sleep with me, when he wakes me up he will go there and lay his body beside me, but we don't do anything. He just says, "Wake up. It is almost time" and then he will hug me. Is it also a sin in the sight of God because sometimes I feel guilty. Today he woke up at 6:30 am and he went to my room, then he laid in my bed and hug me so tight because this will be his last day. He will come back here next Thursday. He told me that he will miss me and he loves me so much. Is it a sin that though we are not sleeping together, but he just came to my room and laid his body there without doing anything? Please let me know.
Answer:
May I suggest that instead of keeping your relationship pure, it appears he is attempting to find the limits to which he can go? Though nothing has happened, what would your mother think if she happened to walk in while he was laying beside you? In other words, are your actions those of people striving to live a pure life?
Paul was once gathering funds for the poor in Jerusalem. Though he was a trustworthy man, he insisted that others be selected to carry the money. Why? He was "providing honorable things, not only in the sight of the Lord, but also in the sight of men" (II Corinthians 8:21). He didn't want to give any reason for people to accuse him of fraud, though no fraud would have happened.
You are setting an example for your sisters, and other young women that you know. While nothing happens with you, would others who imitate your behavior be as resistant to temptation?
Thus, while no sin may be occurring, a Christian must also consider his example to others. "In all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you" (Titus 2:7-8).
There is plenty of time in the future for the two of you to display your intimate affections for each other. Don't rush things.
"He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me. I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:4-7).
