I am really struggling with worry. My biggest worry in life is ending up in hell. I read lots of questions and answers on your site, and it makes me more worried than ever.
I wish I knew what the to-do list was for each day. So as long as somebody follows the to-do list, then they are guaranteed salvation. If a person is not guaranteed salvation, how can somebody cope in life knowing that no matter what, they could end up in hell? I heard that hell is super bad and is for eternity. That scares me more than anything else. I even heard that being a Christian is not enough to keep a person out of hell as well.
Sometimes I feel the Holy Spirit tell me I have to kill everybody around and kill myself to have any hope of salvation, but I refuse to obey God in that. There is a verse in the Bible that says we have to hate everybody except Jesus and even hate ourselves. Also, there are other things I refuse to do even if it means I will end up in hell like speeding in a car. I have my driver's license but don't feel like I am capable of driving recklessly to keep my salvation.
What if God does really hate me? I do have a disability called autism.
There are verses that say to make disciples. However, what am I supposed to do when God does not set me up with somebody to talk to? How can a person cope if they are forced to spend eternity in hell because they don't have what it takes to follow Jesus?
There are some questions I read on the site that are silly. I read a lot about overcoming sexual sins. However, God told me that nobody struggles with those anymore, and if they do, they are not even human. Sins like sexual sins or even drinking and drugs are in fact the easiest sins to overcome. The sin I don't know how to overcome is the sin of selfishness. The only way to overcome that sin is to kill yourself. It's possible to maybe even end up in hell for breathing wrong.
I can use some prayers and encouragement.
It is a mistake to assume that your thoughts, even the unwanted ones, come from God. Today, God speaks to us through the Bible. He did not author confusing commands, "for God is not a God of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints" (I Corinthians 14:33). God cannot lie (Titus 1:2), so He doesn't say one thing at one time and another thing at a different time. He doesn't tell one person one thing and another person a different thing. Nor does God ever promote sin. "Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone" (James 1:13).
With these in mind, I can prove that what you believe God told you is not from God. You said you thought the Holy Spirit told you to kill everyone around you. That is false because God said, "For the commandments, "You shall not commit adultery," "You shall not murder," "You shall not steal," "You shall not bear false witness," "You shall not covet," and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself"" (Romans 13:9).
Romans 13:9 also contradicts your claim that you have to hate everyone. Most likely you are thinking of Christ's discussion about how committed a person must be to be a Christian. In his statement, he uses "hate" in a relative sense to say that you can't put other people, even yourself, before him. This is seen more clearly in Matthew's account: "He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me" (Matthew 10:37). "Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me"" (Matthew 16:24).
God doesn't even tell you to speed or drive recklessly. Instead, He tells everyone to obey the laws of the government. "Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God. Therefore whoever resists authority has opposed the ordinance of God; and they who have opposed will receive condemnation upon themselves" (Romans 13:1-2).
Nor can you overcome selfishness by killing yourself. The very act of suicide is a selfish act. It states that you think you should be in control, when you are not. It is also a form of murder, which we already have seen is against God's law.
I understand that having everything mapped out in advance, so you know what is expected of you, makes you feel more comfortable. In that sense, I understand that you would like to know in advance where you will be spending eternity. However, consider the other side of the problem. If someone absolutely knew they were going to heaven, then they would get lazy about living righteously -- after all, they would decide that it doesn't make any difference. For that matter, if a person knew absolutely that they were going to hell, there would again be no motivation to do good deeds. Instead, God tells us in advance the things He expects every person to do. Whether you do them or not is up to you, but your choice determines whether you will go to heaven or hell. "Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance? But in accordance with your hardness and your impenitent heart you are treasuring up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, who "will render to each one according to his deeds": eternal life to those who by patient continuance in doing good seek for glory, honor, and immortality; but to those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness--indignation and wrath" (Romans 2:4-8).
God doesn't hate anyone. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). He gives each of us the same rules -- rules that everyone can live by and make life better for themselves. Yes, having autism can be tough, but you are able to deal with it, be a good person, and follow after Jesus. (See: How to Become a Christian.) Sure, you'll make mistakes at times -- we all do. "This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us. My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous" (I John 1:5-2:1).
Another mistake you are making is assuming that because you don't have problems with some sins then it should not be a problem for anyone. When you do this, you make yourself to be the standard by which you think other people should live; instead of the Bible being the standard. "For we are not bold to class or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves; but when they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding" (II Corinthians 10:12). Each person has their own strengths and weaknesses. I'm glad to hear that you don't have struggles with drugs, alcohol, or sexual sins. However, do not look down on other people who are struggling with these things but are not struggling with your weaknesses. That was the mistake the Pharisee made: "The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.' But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!' I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted" (Luke 18:11-14).
In regards to the command to make disciples (Matthew 28:18-20), you see people every day. Your behavior becomes an example for them to follow. You can gently point out what God says when you notice someone is thinking about doing wrong. If someone asks how to become a Christian, you can tell them what you know and where they can learn more from God. Most people won't listen, but God only asks us to teach. Each person must make up their own mind.